She's forcing marriage and making back-up plans

[surfdude12Participant 4103]

Hey guys, this is my first post, please I need some advice!!

I’m 39 y/o in a relationship with 30 y/o for 4 years. She moved into my house in July 2016 but kept her apartment. For the first 3 years I told her “I have no interest in marriage or kids”, then a year ago when she threatened to leave, I went blue-pill and said “I guess I’d be open to marriage”. Honestly I just said whatever it would take for her not to leave. Not very honest of me, as I was never really open to marriage.

I think she could tell I was not honest about being open to marriage, because in the past year she has prepared “back up” plans for herself in the event I don’t marry her:
(a) she kept her apartment , so that she can just move back in there if I don’t marry her
(b) she started applying for a job in Navy, without telling me
(c) she even reserved a flight to Paris this summer without me (she asked me months ago if I was interested in Paris and I said “not sure, seems dangerous over there” but never asked me again when she booked the flight)

Now we’re coming up on 4 years and she is demanding marriage, kids, going ring shopping , etc. She is a sweet girl (loves to cook, is not materialistic at all, loves simple stuff, etc), but she has big issue – bulimia. She was honest and told me about it 4 years ago when we started and I told her I was ok as long as she seeks professional help for it. In the past year, she hasn’t sought as much help and last week I came home early from work and found her doing it in the house. It was then that she admitted to (a)-(c) above, and that she had made those plans since she really didn’t think I was up for marriage. At that time I told her I really am not up for marriage or kids. She told me she needs time to decide what she wants to do (stay with me w/o marriage or take the job in Navy). She said she’ll wait until summer when she goes to Paris to decide. In the meantime, she’s still at my house.

QUESTION: Should I let her stay until she decides what she wants to do? SHould I kick her out? I was thinking about telling her “listen, clearly you’re unsure what you want to do, why don’t you go back to your apartment, think about it, and then maybe by the time you’re going to France you can have decided what you want? marriage or me?” or should I just kick her out and say bye bye? HELP!

[AwakenedParticipant 35200]

surfdude12 wrote:

She is a sweet girl (loves to cook, is not materialistic at all, loves simple stuff, etc), but she has big issue – bulimia.

The “good” parts will probably vanish if you marry her as she heads towards pre-menopause. The CRAZY parts will NEVER leave, and probably get worse. They usually get crazier during pre-menopause, and they only get more bat s~~~ crazy with time.

DON’T COHABITATE, IMPREGNATE, OR MARRY ANYONE!!!!

She NEEDED to go long ago !!

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[TaxGuyParticipant]

surfdude12 wrote:

I was thinking about telling her “listen, clearly you’re unsure what you want to do, why don’t you go back to your apartment, think about it, and then maybe by the time you’re going to France you can have decided what you want?

Sounds pretty fair to me.

Order the good wine

[BlacqueJacqueShellacqueParticipant 6890]

She’s going to Paris to get rode.

[NerevarParticipant 8040]

I’d say end it right there. She’s a controlfreak and you’ll get sucked in much deeper if you give in to her demands (again).

"One of the best things internet exposed is just how insane women are." - Freeman_K

[HitmanParticipant]

I got to the part where she “demanded” and knew it’s a lost cause.
Kick her to the curb.

[FrostByteParticipant 19005]

surfdude12 wrote:

Honestly I just said whatever it would take for her not to leave.

This is the root of your problem. You won’t let go. A false fear is driving your behavior.
1. If you cut her lose she will be fine.
2. If you cut her lose you will be fine.
3. You already have acknowledged this going to be train wreck or you would not be asking for advice.

If there is a voice in the back of your head telling you leave. You should listen to it.

If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.

[narwhalParticipant]

surfdude12 wrote:

QUESTION: Should I let her stay until she decides what she wants to do? SHould I kick her out? I was thinking about telling her “listen, clearly you’re unsure what you want to do, why don’t you go back to your apartment, think about it, and then maybe by the time you’re going to France you can have decided what you want? marriage or me?” or should I just kick her out and say bye bye? HELP!

What do you want?

I don’t think that’s a decision she will make, because she doesn’t have to. The time you’re giving her to make the decision isn’t time she’s going to use to think about it, it’s time for to see if she can replace you with someone who will marry her. It’s called monkey branching. If she doesn’t find another guy, then she will probably settle for you. It’s not because of you though, it’s because she’d rather be with you while she searches for a husband than alone.

So the question really is, do you want to continue this with her, knowing that she will leave you eventually. Knowing that she may try and get pregnant or some other means to trap you. Knowing that she will try and make it look like it’s all your fault to gain sympathy. So on and so on.

It is not going to get better going forward. Not possible. You either let it die now and cut your loses or you get what little is left in the relationship till she’s ready to go. If I were in your shoes, I would end it, but it is your choice.

Ok. Then do it.

[Mr. ManParticipant 2916]

With situations like this one, we men on the forums usually jump all over the woman for being, well, a woman.

But in your case, she never hid the fact that she wanted to get married and start a family and you don’t. So it’s a simple case of incompatible species.

However, she needs to be out before she jaunts off to Paris. Why? Because she’s going to Paris to test what her current SMV is before becoming a free woman again. If she flunks, and no European man she throws herself at wants her, then she’ll come crawling back to you saying you and her really don’t have to get married. But if she rides a wave of new c~~~ across Paris like a rodeo queen, then, on her return home, she will kick you to the curb so fast you won’t know what hit you.

You might think your situation is somehow unique. But it’s not. I’ve read a thousand stories like yours on MGTOW forums and it never, ever, goes well.

You both sound like decent human beings. Just end it with some dignity now so you can then move on with your new MGTOW life.

Good luck. Keep us posted on how it turns out.

[Anonymous 13]

^^^
There’s no other way.

Walk away.

[surfdude12Participant 4103]

Awakened wrote:

surfdude12 wrote:

She is a sweet girl (loves to cook, is not materialistic at all, loves simple stuff, etc), but she has big issue – bulimia.

The “good” parts will probably vanish if you marry her as she heads towards pre-menopause. The CRAZY parts will NEVER leave, and probably get worse. They usually get crazier during pre-menopause, and they only get more bat s~~~ crazy with time.

DON’T COHABITATE, IMPREGNATE, OR MARRY ANYONE!!!!

She NEEDED to go long ago !!

Wow, thanks, that’s very true. The “good” stuff are already vanishing – less “good” stuff now than a year ago, less “good” stuff a year ago than 2 years ago, etc.

Is that a subconscious thing with women or do they withdraw the “good” stuff intentionally?

[XSDBSParticipant 3598]

I offer this question/advice…
Who is in control of your life? You or her?
If you don’t want marriage or children, that is YOUR choice to make, not hers.

“flying to france” and/or “joining the navy” are her tactics to force you to marry her.
If you marry her, she will use similar tactics to pressure you for children.
If that doesn’t work, she will get pregnant anyway, making that decision for you.

End the relationship and change the locks, because she has a key even if you didn’t give her one.

FYI: ALL women have backup plans, four years ago, it was you.

[surfdude12Participant 4103]

FrostByte wrote:

surfdude12 wrote:

Honestly I just said whatever it would take for her not to leave.

This is the root of your problem. You won’t let go. A false fear is driving your behavior.
1. If you cut her lose she will be fine.
2. If you cut her lose you will be fine.
3. You already have acknowledged this going to be train wreck or you would not be asking for advice.

If there is a voice in the back of your head telling you leave. You should listen to it.

Dead on, thanks bro. I felt this way before a lot of breakups and yet I ended up being ok. Its just crazy because I just think “no no she’s amazing – you won’t find another like her!!!” , that thought is very powerful. But I need to just remember #1 you listed above. And what the previous poster said – she won’t be this amazing very long, not to mention that she’s not as amazing as the image in my head (I have image in my head and it is distorted – omits the bad stuff and only includes the good stuff = lie)

[surfdude12Participant 4103]

narwhal wrote:

surfdude12 wrote:

QUESTION: Should I let her stay until she decides what she wants to do? SHould I kick her out? I was thinking about telling her “listen, clearly you’re unsure what you want to do, why don’t you go back to your apartment, think about it, and then maybe by the time you’re going to France you can have decided what you want? marriage or me?” or should I just kick her out and say bye bye? HELP!

What do you want?

I don’t think that’s a decision she will make, because she doesn’t have to. The time you’re giving her to make the decision isn’t time she’s going to use to think about it, it’s time for to see if she can replace you with someone who will marry her. It’s called monkey branching. If she doesn’t find another guy, then she will probably settle for you. It’s not because of you though, it’s because she’d rather be with you while she searches for a husband than alone.

So the question really is, do you want to continue this with her, knowing that she will leave you eventually. Knowing that she may try and get pregnant or some other means to trap you. Knowing that she will try and make it look like it’s all your fault to gain sympathy. So on and so on.

It is not going to get better going forward. Not possible. You either let it die now and cut your loses or you get what little is left in the relationship till she’s ready to go. If I were in your shoes, I would end it, but it is your choice.

Omg THANK YOU FOR THIS!! The “its not because of you though” is what really hit home – even if she ended up staying with me, it would only be because she DIDNT FIND DUDE TO MARRY HER…YET, and she eventually will. I don’t want to be her facking back up plan. Its so painful to admit that I am, because of course (like most people) I have this fairy tale vision of our relationship in my head and there is NO WAY (in that fantasy), that our relationship could be a mere back-up plan, but its obvious that it is.

Also love the question: “do you want to be with her, knowing she WILL leave you eventually?”

Thanks for summarizing it perfectly. I was in blue-pill world thinking “oh no, if she decides to stay with me, then she’ll STAY WITH ME”…now I can see that’s total BS, thanks guys

[surfdude12Participant 4103]

Mr. Man wrote:

With situations like this one, we men on the forums usually jump all over the woman for being, well, a woman.

But in your case, she never hid the fact that she wanted to get married and start a family and you don’t. So it’s a simple case of incompatible species.

However, she needs to be out before she jaunts off to Paris. Why? Because she’s going to Paris to test what her current SMV is before becoming a free woman again. If she flunks, and no European man she throws herself at wants her, then she’ll come crawling back to you saying you and her really don’t have to get married. But if she rides a wave of new c~~~ across Paris like a rodeo queen, then, on her return home, she will kick you to the curb so fast you won’t know what hit you.

You might think your situation is somehow unique. But it’s not. I’ve read a thousand stories like yours on MGTOW forums and it never, ever, goes well.

You both sound like decent human beings. Just end it with some dignity now so you can then move on with your new MGTOW life.

Good luck. Keep us posted on how it turns out.

Again same as poster above, THANK YOU SO MUCH. This really echoed the point that I’m merely her TEMPORARY BACKUP plan. Painful to realize, but essential at the same time. I agree on the Paris theory , although I did NOT see that at all before opening the thread. I was in fairy tale land of “oh, she’s just going to Paris because she’s always talked about going there to visit the scenery, etc” LOLOL.

I’ll end it before she goes to Paris, definitely. Thanks guys!!

[surfdude12Participant 4103]

XSDBS wrote:

I offer this question/advice…
Who is in control of your life? You or her?
If you don’t want marriage or children, that is YOUR choice to make, not hers.

“flying to france” and/or “joining the navy” are her tactics to force you to marry her.
If you marry her, she will use similar tactics to pressure you for children.
If that doesn’t work, she will get pregnant anyway, making that decision for you.

End the relationship and change the locks, because she has a key even if you didn’t give her one.

FYI: ALL women have backup plans, four years ago, it was you.

Great points, thanks!!

By the way, isn’t it true that even if you got married or had kids with someone like this, they’d STILL engage in manipulation tactics to get you to do stuff? I.E = marriage and kids won’t stop the tactics??

[UntamedParticipant]

surfdude12 wrote:

QUESTION: Should I let her stay until she decides what she wants to do?

You should let her leave until she decides to marry another guy.
She doesn’t deserve you and has already shown to be untrustworthy, like all the others. Why should you spend YOUR time, YOUR money and YOUR energy in trying to couple with that creature? All she’ll be able to do is let you down at best or get you locked up at worst.

When it comes to weemins I only got ONE advice: UNc~~~!

Don't let them Blame, Shame or Tame you!
Give 'em NOTHING, not even an answer!
#GenderSegragationNow!

[Solo MAN’S WisdomParticipant]

surfdude12 wrote:

She is a sweet girl (loves to cook, is not materialistic at all, loves simple stuff, etc), but she has big issue – bulimia.

GET. THE. F~~~. OUT. NOW.

The binge/purge cycle of bulimia is a visible manifestation of far bigger problems. This cycle likely also shows itself with her sex life – meaning if she goes to Paris alone, the odds of her railing 6 guys in 4 days are high. It’s probable that she’s a manipulative control freak. Having the experience of dating 3 of them before, I speak with some authority.

“By the way, isn’t it true that even if you got married or had kids with someone like this, they’d STILL engage in manipulation tactics to get you to do stuff? I.E = marriage and kids won’t stop the tactics??”

Correct. Marriage cements this behavior in place because it’s already been successful for her.

When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.

[AwakenedParticipant 35200]

surfdude12 wrote:

Is that a subconscious thing with women or do they withdraw the “good” stuff intentionally?

Does it matter if it’s intentional or not ?

Personally, I think the LONGER they are with you, and the more comfortable they are with you, YOU begin to see THEIR true side. At the beginning, they are TRYING so hard to impress YOU in EVERY area. With time, it all fades away whether it’s cooking or blowjobs. It all starts becoming less and less. They get LAZIER and BITCHIER in ALL departments !!

Also, if she’s not in pre-menopause yet, that fun stuff is right around the corner. If you think she can be a bitch now, just wait til her hormones start dipping!!

In a World of Justin Beibers Be a Johnny Cash

[AutoliteParticipant]

Anonymous wrote:

Walk away.

Solo MAN’S Wisdom wrote:

GET. THE. F~~~. OUT. NOW.

I’m quite certain that this guy already knows what he needs to do. He’s here on a MGTOW forum asking a question when he already knows the answer. He’s just looking other guys to support what he already knows he must do…

[Author]

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