I feel nothing but despair

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

Hey gents,

I had a c~~~ of a day today. It was the catalyst for this post right now. But this is what it always comes back to. Have the odd decent day here and there, feel a flitter of hope, institute different forms of forced escapism. But then its back to feeling like all I want to do, is eat the barrel of a shotgun and cease this f~~~ing s~~~ miserable existence of mine. I don’t want to die, but i wish i could just switch my self off and not feel or think anything what so ever.

I know I’ll wake up in the morning and read this and feel embarrassed and regret that I wrote it, because I’ll probably feel better. But as the day goes on, my mind caves in once again and I’m right back to where i was feeling as i type this.

This is just myself being honest. This is how it is,every f~~~ing day of my life. (Or most days anyway.)

I work long hours at work. I have horrific nightmares when i sleep. Just really f~~~ed up weird s~~~. I’m searching through strange buildings and places. I’m meeting faces from the past. It’s like im in hell, or an alternate reality. I’m tormented, im chased by faceless entities and thrown into chaotic worlds of psychotic sub human filth, and i flee to a dark insidious woods where i smell death all around me and dive into this sun lit field where the sky is blue with big white fluffy clouds, and the motherf~~~ers can’t touch me when im the other side. The dreams are so real im convinced i live other lives and s~~~.

Before i had this new security job, i numbed the pain and misery with drugs and alcohol. Yeh, the stereotypical tormented artist.

I’m finding it increasingly hard to go out in my car driving anywhere, or being anywhere in public. I despise humanity and get really bad anxiety. I wish someone would f~~~ing smile at me just once. Offer a gesture of good will, like i do all the f~~~ing time.

I aint looking for pity or sympathy. I’m just…releasing maybe. I’m f~~~ed if i know anymore.

I dont understand anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. My son is going to have to be home schooled as hes having problems too, and i feel like i just come from a family line of f~~~ing losers and f~~~ ups but i refuse to share the same fate as my birth father, not become the losers that the rest of my family are.

His mother is unrecognisable now. A land whale hag who was once a youthful not bad looking kind, caring woman. Now shes a bitter twisted old hag who gets worse by the day.

Alot of people have told me im really sensitive. To me that sounds gay and stupid but i would have to agree. I’m a thinker. I cant stop thinking about everything. I question everything and dont agree with how the system works and am a cynic about everything. People call me negative but i unplugged myself from the matrix many many years ago.

Anyway, im gunna regret the f~~~ out of writing this when i read it in the morning. F~~~ it. I’ve got nothing to lose anymore. I’m not here to prove how manly or tough i am. The cracks were there years ago. I’m amazed im not in a straight jacket already.

I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at me.

So i guess i’ll leave it there. I’m not sure where to go from here in my life, all i know is i want to make films and make music and would be happy living a poor man if i could only get my own peaceful abode and live bare minimum. Just as long as no body gives me stress or bulls~~~.

My only solace and comfort is coming to this website and talking to you guys, so thanks.

DYD.

[bladeParticipant]

Don’t feel bad for been honest. Every man has there breaking point no matter who they are.Can relate to what ya say.

THE PLANTATION HAS NOW TURNED INTO THE KILLING FIELDS . WOMAN ARE NOW ROLLING CAMBODIAN STYLE .

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

blade wrote:

Don’t feel bad for been honest. Every man has there breaking point no matter who they are.Can relate to what ya say.

I’ve been brought up to just ‘harden the f~~~ up’ and bottle up your feelings and the usual s~~~ where men arent allowed to feel any emotion. And if you did you were shamed or humiliated for it.

It wasnt long ago i was in my car and drank half a bottle of jack daniels, listening to metal, then electronic, then some more chilled out stuff while trying to make sense of all the s~~~ that has happened to me. I then roamed the streets at 3am in the morning p~~~ed out of my face, mumbling like a ranting madman to myself, talking to myself about how i felt and then laying down on a grass verge with my head spinning and looking up at the stars imagining i was ascending to the heavens and everything was going to be ok. I was leaving earth and giving humanity the finger. Yeh…thats why i dint fit in here, because i didnt belong here. I’m finally escaping this s~~~hole planet!

Then the nausea set in from the booze and i think i puked up a few times before staggering back to my car and passing out o nthe back seat leaving the whole car unlocked.

I woke up feeling like someone had kicked me a thousand times in my head. The car stunk of whiskey. Someone was staring at me from the other side of the car park. I was still parked i nthe big local library car park and people must have seen me passed out like a drunk bum.

I now say this to myself every day like a mad mans mantra, i really relate to it haha:

[Freeman_KParticipant 3524]

The choices we make, not the chances we take, determine our destiny

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

I like that freeman! Thanks.

Its OK to FEEL guys. We are ALLOWED to. F~~~ the system, and what people say. It’s normal. We are not machines, we are human f~~~ing beings.

[Dashing Young DissidentSpectator]

What i mean is, its like we’re branded ‘pussies’ if we talk about things bothering/troubling us, or dare mention when we’re having a tough time, like its taboo. If we express ourselves then we’re ‘f~~~~~s’ and less of a man. We lose manly points and have shamed ourselves. To me this is bulls~~~.

[Anonymous 1]

Hello brother, if your anxiety builds up it could be related to some activities that you do in the day(along side with the f~~~ing past). My brain do the same thing and I cannot stop thinking, I have used a lot(too much) time at the computer instead of doing drugs(sometiems alcohol, but I would like to avoid that aswell, I kinda need my liver), but I think that both internet and those things basically shut down your brain to have some peace.

What has helped me is analyzing what I do during the day, shut down what was the probable cause of anxiety, filling the time with something new. I used to write nothing about life and about myself, kept everything inside of me, and that was wrong, totally wrong.
Auto-analysis is what has saved me.
I think that this free webspace is for everything that you want to share, men have less and less places for themselves, so do not bother too much sharing what you think and feel, there is no shame in being human.
Other than writing/reading more, what has helped me is balancing my diet and working out, basilar things works the same way for everyone, but you have to find what you like and fill your time with that.
You are not alone, all of us have suffered, some still do. And not everyone had the luck to find the answers he needed before taking his own life, take adavantage of what you know, do not let the world bring you down.

[Anonymous 42]

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

eat the barrel of a shotgun and cease this f~~~ing s~~~ miserable existence of mine.

That’s NORMAL for a man to feel that way in this society. Hold that thought.

Dashing Young Dissident wrote:

switch my self off and not feel or think anything what so ever.

You can, training your thought patterns to abandon negative thinking like it’s a hot stove, oven, and crematory all rolled up into one, we decide which door we want to enter, or just burn our hearts and hands on the range top, or we recognize it for the killer beast that it really is and we see it as one demon with all the lures from mild to severe, the trick is to train your brain and entire being to always abandon that place and think of the things you “want” to do, or the highlights of your life in the things you already did,

Your mind is like a railroad system with tens of thousands of spur switches that lead to dead end thinking.

Time itself your one and only locomotive down the tracks of time, a good engineer doesn’t waste time allowing negative thinking to throw the rails over to the spur line, some of these spurs are deadly lines with steep grades that will kill you depending on the baggage or load you’re carrying, it becomes a spiraling wreck as you go off the rails of negative thinking.

You need to be signaling the switch man to stay on the main line. Once you get good at this you’ll be on your own EXPRESS LINE signaling miles ahead instead of being a train wreck that took a wrong turn in his thinking.

You have to control you mind or it will f~~~ you in the ass.

I swear there’s times when I said to myself” “f~~~ it, SPEED UP and JUMP THE CANYON! So I did! And found myself back on the main line going even faster!

I think they’re called stumbling blocks and we’re supposed to jump them.

Stay off the Freddy Kruger RR! Get on the mainline!

It’s like a magnetic polarity, you have to keep hitting the electromagnetic switch every time the ground fault circuit goes off and cuts the power. Once you’re good at it it’s like playing PING PONG!

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

There is no tomorrow & yesterday is done.

Something I’ve learned from a flying career ….

Never memorise the checklist (your life) because each time you go through it, an upgrade may of happened.

Don’t expect yesterday’s list to be the same today or tomorrow.

What you can’t fix or change … IGNORE.

What you can change … do it for your benefit first and foremost.

Tomorrow may never come. Get through the shadows one day, hour and minute at a time.

When the sun shines for you … stay in it all day and bask.

When the shadows & night falls … hour, minute and seconds are your targets.

One thing WE do here is F~~~ING SAVE LIVES.

Reach out 24/7 then when the sun shines help another brother.

That is your true meaning now.

1. Yourself

2. Your brothers ALL MEN.

You may be cursed but also blessed. Play them off.

[SunStormParticipant 1277]

Don’t wanna plug my stuff too much but your dream is a pretty typical example of 4d navigation.

Please check out my forum for lots of info about dreams and the nature of reality.

http://www.truthspoonforum.com

By the way switching brain off, yes, it can be done. Zen meditation. Find peace amidst the bulls~~~. That and fine scotch in moderation keeps me sane.

[ShineParticipant 1696]

Thanks for this thread DYD, weather the storm and order your dream.

I’ve had a good day, caught up with a mate in the great outdoors for some recreation.

But what jarred me about your post is that I realised how dead inside I have become.

I used to be the guy who was nice to everyone, always smiling, happy to help, offer my time freely, not argue small points.

Basically my niceness has been used up, and no one gave a s~~~ or appreciated it. It’s not until you cross paths with a rare individual who goes above and beyond, that it seems like a dream and that there is some good left in the world.

I don’t know man, I’ve always been a glass half full, optimist, but f~~~, it’s the constant getting slammed for being HUMAN and not a TOOL that hardens us up.

I sometimes got to remember it’s ok to smile, even if the world ain’t smiling back.

Peace

"Society is to blame" Denton

[Anonymous 0]

What was helpful to me was to allow no external inputs. No TV, no radio, no “friends” especially women friends. I stayed in my apartment a?one and found that I could process everything that was on my mind. It takes time. Give yourself all the time you need. Eventually you arrive at a point where you say, OK, now what do I want. That is the more difficult part because you have spent your entire life being something for someone else and denied your own wants and needs. Cut off the sources of anxiety to start with; what ever way you have to do that. I met a fellow that moved to his remote fishing shack and didn’t come back for 9 1/2 months. But he was changed. Good luck, brother.

[Anonymous 42]

It’s 7:30 AM, I just ate a cold delicious baked chicken leg.

Now I’m going outside to the stove house, lighting the rocketstove and playing with my latest modification, THE TRIDENT OIL INJECTOR! I think that lion is gonna roar like never before!

MGTOW! WHAT AN EXCELLENT LIFE!

Beats loading the minivan and driving the rugratts to school, then get home and c~~~ wants to divorce rape the single man in this world she hates the most!

Someone hand me a pistol!

[xlrsnbrgParticipant 1786]

I have emotional meltdowns too sometimes. During the night things seem worse than they are. Alcohol is a depressant so it will enhance these feelings (you might think it helps but it clearly doesn’t). But things always get better eventually.

Remember that after you hit the bottom, things can only get better.

Never give up. If you give up, they win. If you can’t pull yourself together from hope and courage, do it from anger. As a sort of F~~~ YOU to society, I’m still here c~~~s, you can’t get rid of me so easily.

If achieving your life goals seems difficult, break down the task into baby steps, and complete them one at a time.

A man shouldn't make his life's objective to be on the side of the majority, but to avoid finding himself in the ranks of the insane. (Marcus Aurelius)

[BoarParticipant]

DYD, I have started down that road. It is not a good place to be, but there exits that do not involve endings.

I don’t know if you are much of a reader, but there is a good book called F*ck Feelings. I think it would be helpful to you.

Part of it lays out how you cannot hold yourself responsible for things you cannot change and have no control over. It also covers how expectations and fairness-seeking can actually prevent you from living the life you have.

And we are always here for you!

Untamed wrote: Quit complaining and Go Your Own Way in whatever manner suits you best.

[AttonParticipant]

i want to make films and make music

Please do make some music.

A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!

[Mr. SmithParticipant 686]

All I can say is: If you are not feeling comfortable in your current situation get out of it. Think about what annoys you the most, what really bothers you the most. Try to get to the root of the problem, not just the symptoms. Then think about what type of life is really different to yours and what would you probably like. This depends entirely on you, do not just copy the solution of someone else.
Maybe getting into another town or different climate zone is all it needs, maybe you have to change your complete life. For some people it was enough to get a bike and ride every day for two hours, others changed the circle of their “friends” to people who are really care about them. One true friend is worth the world! Sometimes it needs a dog to show you what friendship, trust and love really means. Try to find this in people. I for myself would prefer a dog to superficial friends at any time, because the dog will love you unconditionally, but for you it’s maybe something else, self improvement maybe, start painting or play an instrument. Remember, it’s all about you! Don’t give a f*** about other people, society and it’s expectancy.
I can tell you what I did, maybe it gives you a hint: First I got rid of the XX-chromosome in my life. Second I stopped worrying what my neighbors and society thinks about me. This is responsible of 95% of my happiness and would be probably enough. Everything else was much less relevant, but I see it as a statement to myself to get to 100% happiness as close as possible. Next I did was get rid of my big house. It had 320square meters (some 3400sqft) and 11 rooms. My former girl friend insisted in it, first we could afford it, second…. She didn’t really gave any reason, but blind as I was at this time I agreed. After realizing I haven’t been in some rooms for months I suddenly understood it more of a liability than in my favor. Same was with all the junk in this house. I got rid of most of the furniture and other things, except those stuff I really need and who are personally important to me. I bought a small house, just 90 square meters (850sqft), removed as many walls inside as possible and have three rooms now. A kitchen, a bath room and a really big living room. The bed is in the roof top, I build a kind of compartment in it, hard to explain. No rooms for kids, hobby etc, because everything is for me and nobody else. Nobody complains I am parking my antique motorcycle in my living room, because it belongs in the garage or one has to ride the hobby horse in a special room. I am doing it where I like.
I also went from a bigger city to a smaller town in the mountains, because I hate the city. For four years living there I have not locked my car or house once, simply because there is no crime. This is freedom and that’s what’s really important.
I also quit my job and started my own little company, but this gives you less freedom than I expected. I work less, anyway, but one has not only to do the actual work but also deal with bureaucracy and many social problems your employees create. I would not do it again, but it’s ok. My other life compensates for everything and such small downsides are nothing compared to what I had before.
Another important part I learned: Have dreams, make your dreams a goal and work on it to get it. For me it is an old military truck. My dream was always to travel to real adventurous places, like Sahara dessert or the Himalaya. So I had this idea a rugged, offroad-capable camper would be great. I did some research what type of truck, how to convert it from a military vehicle to something you can live in for weeks or months. I am working on this project in my free time, on weekends and sometimes after work. I know every second is for me and it brings me closer to my dream.

One final word: You are a winner, as long as you live your life. You are a loser if you live the life other want you to have. Never let peer pressure force you into something you don’t like.

"I need men, real men, men with balls, certainly not sissies. I would never ask them to take an enemy position, but I insist that they follow me to that position. If you are one of those men, raise your hand." Napoleon Bonaparte

[Anonymous 54]

Its good to let these things out.

If you are human, you have emotions.

Sensative does not mean delacate.It means you have big anteni.

F~~~ the world..give yourself a smile.

[JustSomeGuyParticipant 5]

DYD, if you (or anyone) needs to get some good sleep try using Benadryl. Non-addicting and it knocks me out for a good twelve hours. Beats the heck out of booze which is a depressant.

[SunStormParticipant 1277]

Booze might be a depressant, but that only means it depressed superfluous mental activity, such as stress. It doesn’t mean booze is depressing, it just means it relaxes you. Personally I like a couple of drinks from time to time and think that a good glass of scotch is sometimes very good medicine. But whatever works for you.

I still maintain that zen is the way though. It allows you to put some distance between You and The World.

[Author]

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