New member. Stuck in marriage due to kids. Any advice?

[Fundamental_manParticipant 209]

Hi all – new guy here.
Thanks to the net, fantastic places like this are now accessible to a LOT of men around the globe. Two thumbs up!

Sorry about this long text…. Anyways, I am a Swedish man in my 40s, married with two kids, 4 and 6 years old. My wife and I separated about six months ago, with minimum drama and fuzz.
She now rents an OK apartment nearby, while I live in our house. The kids stay half the time with me and half with her. I pay for the house, she pays her rent etc. The kids seem to have accepted this change, and they still go to the same pre-school.

So, what’s the issue? Money and freedom – or mainly the lack of both, as we live in Sweden! While I am a professional, white collar engineer in a multinational company, my salary is just adequate to support myself, the kids (at 50%), a very modest house and a compact car of limited value.
For my wife it is even worse. She pays more rent from her lower salary, and also owns a car that she needs.

As it seems, if we keep on living separately (while being married), she needs to find a cheaper apartment. That means moving to some area where the immigrants live, with chaos, violence, noise, lower standard apartment, theft, vandalism, drug use etc. It is bad in Sweden if you are not rich, trust me. I do NOT want my kids to be exposed to those revolting MENA and former Yugoslavia “people”!

So… What to do? Move back together with a wife that I do not love, or hardly even LIKE anymore? (She is better than most, but still, smart phone addicted, lazy, too aggressive raising our kids, no initiative to fix or maintain virtually ANYTHING in house or garden etc.) I feel mostly indifference or a slight annoyance around her.
Just like most western civilisation fathers, I am willing to do SO much to make life better for my children. When they are with me, they are perfectly safe, can play in the garden, walk across the (virtually traffic free) street to play with friends etc. I think they have a good relation with me, and they get away from their (frustrated?) mother. Good life here, now, for the three of us.

If my wife moves back, many things will be worse for me and the kids, but they will not be forced to live in a lesser apartment in a bad area, far from their friends, and with very little money for vacation, occasional cinema or other event. And without their father, too…
Any ideas?

[Anonymous 25]

welcome.

If your former wife is up for it both flee Swedanistan with the kids before it’s too late. Seems like what a lot of sensible swedes are doing. If that’s not possible, you’re in a no win situation. maybe look at cutting expenses. if it’s amicable best to try keep it that way and sort out something sensible for kids that benefits everyone

[Fundamental_manParticipant 209]

Thanks!

My wife and I are still married, but living on separate addresses!

Moving abroad is high on my wish list, as society us eroding and real estate is in short supply and stupid expensive. Noone plans to really pay off mortgage on houses today. Once the loan drops to an 80-85% level, people pay only the interest.

I would really like to try my wings in USA, and might be able to do that via the company I work for, but there is still the wife/kids aspect of things. My wife is less enthusiastic, but her finacial reality might be the leverage I need?

[bladeParticipant]

STEP 1 . Get the f~~~ out of swedastan and take the kids .

STEP 2 . Ex will be fine she has probably already joined the sandpeople .

Just get ya kids dude and get the f~~~ out of there before chad the muslim steps in and ya kids start getting measured up for a jihad vest .

If you are going to stay in swedastan get ya self a light saber bro . Sandpeoples country now not yours

Do you want to have to deal with this chad and have him as a step dad to ya kids .

Welcome bro

THE PLANTATION HAS NOW TURNED INTO THE KILLING FIELDS . WOMAN ARE NOW ROLLING CAMBODIAN STYLE .

[The man in the mountainParticipant 4102]

I have never been married, but my dad did many times and payed little or basically nothing in child support.

If you have any savings you will have to go underground and show no savings or money in deposit boxes and in bank accounts, my dad used to put all hes money on other people’s bank accounts or hes own mother’s, he also did put hes own property under her name, so the courts couldn’t file him accordingly and take hes house from him.

In your average western court you are bound to loose the children or you will have to pay a hefty price to get them and keep them, it’s up to you which one way you want to litigate that almost certain and costly result.

Moving back with her is not an option, it’s going to be like walking on razor blades since she can start by killing the relationship further, until she feels confident and charges you with a rape allegation or domestic violence, THEN you get thrown into a kangaroo court (worse case).

You should stay in your house, be with your children all the time that you can so they remember you and NOT mistake you by another man your wife might bring into her pathetic life, keep in mind that if she gets the kids is NOT the end of the world, many men have married, drop the wife, left the kids with her and had more kids with others as they moved on (not recommending this to you).

The path that lays right before you will be hard, but Lord Buddha said”pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” (keep in mind he left hes palace, a son and hes former wife behind).

Control your emotions, be strong and be on top of your situation, make sure to get an appointment with an attorney to discuss this before you take her to court, Good luck.

[Fundamental_manParticipant 209]

Thanks guys!

Family courts (should it ever come to that) seen rather “fair”, and though I have seen many divorces, it is very rare that healthy, middle class couples are not both sharing custody.

As for allimony etc, that is also rare, due to the above scenario.

As for finding a new man, I can say she is not at that point now. She definitely has higher moral standard than most women, far from some sluts among the people we know. Her SMV is not super high, either.

Again, staying apart, potentially forcing my kids to spend 50% of their time in an less pleasant surrounding and 50% in a better area with me.
Or, moving back together into a “flat mate” life. More consistent and maybe (!?) better for the kids.

[AwakenedOneParticipant 58]

Hi, I’m a Dad going through it also. I’m new to MGTOW so I’m just doing a lot of reading. Just wanted you to know from one Dad to another, I’m thinking about you and hoping it works out for you and the kids. As my son would say “Go get em Pa!” You can do this.

[DorkShitParticipant 4353]

You are in the position of the majority of mankind.

Where a man is when he awakens to mgtow is a result of the decisions made up until this moment. You have married and have children.

You see the world as the reality that it is now. A man in your position should realize one thing. None of your dreams will come true.

This means that you don’t have the luxury of doing what you want to do.

Your wife living in a separate apartment is a luxury.

Peace brothers

[OgreParticipant 5863]

Finish the divorce and rent her a room. The kids get both parents around and because she is a tenant she would be encouraged to be on her best behavior with you. She knows now that her financial situation will not allow her to live in a good area.

If you even care, the neighbors who know enough of the situation will think you are a saint for making the deal. The ones who know less will just think you are a family that does things separately quite often. The rent money she pays can be used to finance vacation for you and your sons.

As a final note, if she’s truly in dire straights it behooves her to be reasonable during the divorce proceedings and keep the lawyers bills to little or nothing on her side.

I failed to realize in my youth that I was the prize. I was going to work. I was going to earn. Little did I realize that due to feminism, that no longer meant I had to share. Road soon, Desert after.

[Anonymous 54]

Youve got her out of the house, and acsess to your kids.
No alimony.

You are doing better than most.

Let it ride for now.

[RhinoParticipant 3477]

As a property manager I see this scenario play out all the time here in Canada. Depending on your finances there are a few things you can do to help this situation although some things may be different in Sweden the government does support women with children. First thing you or your wife should do is start the divorce process so she could start collecting benefits from the government. Talk to a lawyer about your options in this regard as the laws will be different. You don’t want to drag this process out as soon as you are able get the divorce final because you have children under the age 16 you may have to go through a reconsideration period.

Link:

A legal separation period is not a preliminary requirement under Swedish law. However, both parties will go through a reconsideration period under two scenarios: firstly, if both parties request for a reconsideration period. Secondly, they have a child below the age of 16.[16]

If one spouse does not consent to the divorce, a reconsideration of 6 months will follow before the divorce.[17]

If the spouses have been living separately for two years, no reconsideration period is required and divorce can take place immediately.[18]

Under special circumstances where marriage was entered into despite the fact that the spouses are related to each other, no reconsideration period is required before a divorce. Similarly, in an event of bigamy, either party from the earlier marriage is entitled to an immediate divorce.[19]

Now for your living arrangement will depend on the finances you have and what you can do to help your children. If your house has a basement I would recommend turning it into a rental apartment where either you or your wife can live separately yet still be in the same location. This will only work if you two are still on good terms but eventually no matter what you both decide to do she will eventually change and bring around another guy to be her new supporter.

The key here is to try to live separate lives and improve your situation. So if you can get your house converted do it and it will also increase the value of the property and eventually if she decides to leave or you decide to sell the house you can sell it for more money or rent out the basement to someone else for more income.

Second option is to create a basement apartment and rent it out to someone else and the income can go to your wife until she gets someone else to support her I have seen some people do this and it did work out for them.

Third option is if you don’t have a basement or its an old house and it can’t be properly converted sell your house and buy one already with a basement apartment.

Fourth option is you let her live in the house with the kids and you move into a s~~~ty apartment if you have to. But this is the last resort arrangement and you don’t want to give up your home unless you have to.

Final option once the divorce is finalized is called “nesting“. In this option you both maintain separate residences but the children never visit the apartment but instead always stay at the house. On the days your wife gets the kids she gets to stay and sleep at your house and you move into her place. On your days with them she moves back to her place and you live with them at your house for the days you have them. So instead of the children moving around it will always be the two of you moving around between the two places. This is also a great option because that apartment can be a one bedroom which will be low on rent it doesn’t have to be big or fancy to accommodate a family. You will both need to agree to this and have a lawyer write up this arrangement and you both will have to stick to this agreement until they get older.

The downside to this of course is when your wife finds someone new to spend her time with it will eventually happen. Your lawyer will have to write this up as well so that you two have to decide if the new boyfriend or your new girlfriend are allowed to be with your children at the nesting house while the other partner is in the apartment. That is something you two will have to discuss.

The best advice would be to just move out of Sweden I have a uncle that lives there and he tells me all the s~~~ that is going down and it is pretty bad. I would not move to Canada either it is s~~~ here as well. Unless the wife will be moving with you wherever you go she will probably not allow you to leave the country with the kids so keep that in mind. Remember to record her when having these conversations as she will change her mind and lie to the courts to get her way. Keep a journal and save all your text messages when talking with her and if she starts to go crazy cut all ties and go through lawyers only when dealing with her or anything to do with the children.

Hope this helps but remember she will try to get you back down. One chance, per person, per lifetime do not take her back or you will regret it. Do not cohabitate together you must sever your ties with her once and for all try not to live with her under the same roof unless you are not there or she is in the basement create separation entrances so you don’t have to see her. Good luck brother if you need further advice just ask we are here to help.

[RhinoParticipant 3477]

Didn’t allow me to edit this part so I will post here the nesting can be agreed upon while you two are in the process of divorce you don’t have to be divorced to do this option.

[NeroParticipant 1466]

Fundamental_man wrote:

So… What to do? Move back together with a wife that I do not love, or hardly even LIKE anymore? (She is better than most, but still, smart phone addicted, lazy, too aggressive raising our kids, no initiative to fix or maintain virtually ANYTHING in house or garden etc.) I feel mostly indifference or a slight annoyance around her.

Any ideas?

I know this seems like a rational and practical solution, from my own experience, I have to discourage you from that choice. I spent far too much of my prime (for the kids) with a wife I didn’t want to be married to. Then, one day at 41 you wake up and realize that your life is passing by while you are marking time with this person. Not only that, but I was depressed, miserable being at home and felt like a shell of my former self. Kids are resilient. They will adjust. A happier you means happier kids.

[AutoliteParticipant]

Fundamental_man wrote:

That means moving to some area where the immigrants live, with chaos, violence, noise, lower standard apartment, theft, vandalism, drug use etc. It is bad in Sweden if you are not rich, trust me. I do NOT want my kids to be exposed to those revolting MENA and former Yugoslavia “people”!

I would ask those people who voted in your current government. They created the problem. What would they suggest as a fix???

[Fundamental_manParticipant 209]

Thanks everyone!
Many ideas and suggestions, all appreciated. Unfortunately, some of them are not relevant or applicable, as the laws and support structure are different from in US or even UK.
A divorce would be financially OK for me, and with a 50/50 custody, we will be neither responsible to pay child support, nor qualify for any special child support.
The residence, cars etc would be split according to our individual contribution, so again, no disaster for me.

Extra apartment? Ok, she rents a 7-800 sqft apartment, that cost approx. 40% MORE than the monthly interest and loan amortization (?) + tax on “my” house loan.
Both she and I then pay for heating and electricity on top of the fixed rent/bank sum.

“Nesting” might seem nice, but she and I do have the share the view on cleanliness and tidyness. I am not pedantic and NOT perfect, but I find it problematic to lower my standard to hers. I have been somewhat depressed with the whole scenario, so I have very limited energy. Still, I feel I am SLOWLY but surely “reclaiming my home”. Cleaning, sorting, throwing stuff and selling some. I like that.
On the other hand, she has not even unpacked 10 or so moving boxes, but put them on the floor in one of the rooms.
Also, her hoarding tendencies (like having literally dozens of pairs of socks for each kid), storing boxes and boxes of childrens clothing (right now in my basement) etc…

Speaking if basements – no can do. There is a “furnished” (?) basement in the house, with bathroom etc, but practically it can not work in this (and most other) small and s~~~ty swedish houses. As for moving, we have been looking for something better for years, without success. Given the great demand for houses, many estates change owners in the family, or at least without being advertized in the open market. This is done to minimize the official sales price, as there is a “profit tax”, making the seller forced to pay tax on the estate’s appreciation. With various “informal” deals in the family, one can reduce that number.

And yes, I hate many, many things about my country. The more I learn, the worse I feel.

[Fundamental_manParticipant 209]

I will consider all suggestions and see where they bring me!
A special “thank you” to @rhino for writing such a thought through and informative reply. Very kind of you.

[TicParticipant 4329]

Just know that it’s very rare for a woman to breakup with her husband, live in another location, and NOT have sex with another man.

In fact, women don’t leave unless they have someone in the wings.

So, I would say that your obligations are first to your children, and yourself. She should not be your concern.

I don’t have kids. But, don’t allow her to manipulate your using them.

Much respect for being a man and taking responsibility for your children. Keep it up.

Whatever you do, don’t go back to this relationship based on finances. I doubt you will be happy and you might actually create a hostile environment for you kids based on how you interact with your wife.

God bless peace and freedom.

[PuniShredderParticipant 2268]

Do Not move back in with her!!! Divorce her. Stay where you are. She is not your problem anymore. Take care of the kids. If you can get the hell out of Sweden. We would welcome you and your family in the United States.

Be professional be polite but always have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

[RhinoParticipant 3477]

Fundamental_man wrote:

I will consider all suggestions and see where they bring me!
A special “thank you” to @rhino for writing such a thought through and informative reply. Very kind of you.

My pleasure brother we are all here to help you I wish the advice I give could be of benefit. Have the talk with the wife and see if moving to another country is an option where the things I suggested could work out for you let us know if you need any more advice.

Forgot to add make sure you get your divorce in Sweden first because if you go anywhere else you will be divorce raped for sure.

[Anonymous 1]

man – I feel your pain… just going through similar housing split here and forking over 50% of the equity in the family home. Not sure I can afford to keep it after that (the figures have yet to come in), but our combined housing costs (her rental + my mortgage) will increase by about 150% (ie: 250% of current)

Rhino has some interesting financial options – especially the ‘nesting’ (where the parents effectively swap, rather than the kids) – but I’m pretty sure living with the ex, or being around her s~~~ would drive me absolutely bats~~~ crazy, so there’s no way I’m thinking of any of them.

Moving countries is difficult — but the kids are at an age where it only gets harder as they grow and get established in schools etc. Its also a difficult sell for the spouse.

Europe’s not real big — is an adjacent country like Norway an option?

[Author]

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