I returned to my blue pill hell.

[Anonymous 43]

I used to live in the Chicago suburbs. I lived there for 12 years, and in a farm town west of Chicago for 15 years before that. After my divorce, I have moved numerous times. Since 2009 I just haven’t had a sense of “home.”

in 2010 and 11 I went back to the rural town outside Chicago to go to college there, and that didn’t feel like home, after living in the suburbs for 12 years.
later I went to school in Southern Illinois, and that did not feel like home either.
I spent this past summer in Florida, and while that was comfortable and familiar, it was not home. I have lived in Kansas, taking on some s~~~ty teaching jobs, and that sure as s~~~ did not feel home. all of these college towns feel like drive up windows at fast food restaurants, there to pick up a degree to go, then drive away.

SO, I am back in the Chicago Suburbs again for the day, looking for something comfortable, or familiar, some sense of home. The roads and highways are familiar, some of the places are the same. I am presently in a suburb I don’t particularly like, having passed near where my c~~~ and kids live. This is where the c~~~ grew up, and this is not home either.

I am more a western suburb kid, but I am afraid if I go out there, it won’t feel like anything. The friends I knew and visited there have gone, lost track of them back in the 1990’s. Going to the old farm town is going to be crap too. I really hated living there, didn’t fit in and was miserable the whole time I lived there.

I can’t feel a sense of home in any place I have lived that I thought I would feel something. I’m going to start up in a new place in Kansas, and I have a feeling that place isn’t going to feel like home either. I am going there for a purpose, to go to school, find a career and save myself from marginal homelessness. Maybe I’ll find a home in 2020.

stupidly, the only place I feel at home is here in the various forums I subscribe to. But where is here? here is where ever the computer is on and I connect. What kind of home is this? What the hell, I went from an apartment to a house to a van in a truck stop to apartments in different states, and hotel rooms while travelling. I was thinking about cashing out savings and retirement and getting a truck and a camper. solves some problems and creates others.

being damaged sucks, men my age are supposed to have retirement accounts, halfway paid for houses and sending my kid off to college, unloading milkcrates full of stuff on move in day. I should be planning lessons and moving into a new school in a far away Kansas cow town. so many paths now closed and so many new ones opening.

Sorry guys, I feel lost and I’m trying to work it all out. I’m in hurry up and wait mode, and this sucks.

Some of you may be thinking old May is losing it, or depressed or something, an you are probably right, I am struggling to find some connection to society. I worked with kids and not many adults for the past 2 years, I just worked a night job, and slept during the day. I am very marginalized. I can’t relate to most people I encounter, and some of you may not understand how damaged a man can be and still function. Is this what autism or Asperger’s
feels like, this is hell.
someday I will have normal, when I do not dread looking at the mail…letters demanding childsupport, or worse a court summons, I fear the police cars I pass on the highway and in the city. plate scanners will get me my “home” state only requires a rear plate. Someday I can stop keeping the journal, the constant alibi and silent witness to my activities. I feel extremely nervous being in the same county as my ex. I know my car does not have a tracking device, nor do any of my possessions, as they are all of recent purchase.

Someday I will be able to breath freely, standing in my own backyard and wonder at my journey. I know I will not be disappointed then, I will have survived and rebuilt my life the way I want it to be, the purest essence of MGTOW.

so what is the point of all of this? MGTOW has shown us that it is ok if not beneficial to go without women, but what I am struggling with is the sense of community I think I am supposed to have, that I am not some loser drifting through life wandering for no purpose. I think I am having a blue pill moment what society things of me and how to avoid being ridiculed or sanctioned.

2 weeks until school starts, and i’m losing frame. I thought I was stronger than this.

[Anonymous 7]

I am in eastern KS. When you get here if s~~~ gets to heavy PM me and I’ll buy you a beer or 6 and lend you an ear you can vent to.

Cheers!

[PrincekieParticipant 1042]

Well dude, I’ll be honest with you (and try not to hijack your thread). I’ve moved around a fair bit in my time. Spent a few years in Ireland where I loved the country, loved the people, and even though parents are Irish never felt completely at home. It got better after three months, and after getting to know people. Then I worked in Holland (feminism hell), where I loved the warm climate, the frothy beer, the decent wages, the “coffee shops”…but never felt completely at home. I have found that once you get past the 3-6 month mark things seem to feel better.

You see I think that wherever you spent the majority of your life is where you feel at home. I think you’re nervous of starting something new, which is understandable. I would be too.

[Anonymous 43]

thanks guys

Grue, I may take you up on your offer…going to the school with the bird

[MGTOW_MikeParticipant 6253]

Quite a few MGTOW brothers have enjoyed watching this video I shared with them, hope this helps, brother:

As you can clearly see, society is falling apart. Back long time ago, there was a strong sense of community. I hear stories about the old days where people would leave their front door unlocked and not have to worry about their house getting broken into. People watched each-other’s backs. These days people would struggle to recognize their neighbor, if they walked past them on the street.

When you have a good quality community, you feel motivated to contribute in whatever way you can.

You are not alone.

A tranquil mind is neither happy nor sad, it is uninfluenced by external conditions.

[Anonymous 7]

Anonymous wrote:

Grue, I may take you up on your offer…going to the school with the bird

Feel free. I know the Uni you are talking about. It isn’t that far from where I cool my jets.

I ride through there all time.
One of my guilty pleasures is to ride through the main party area in the summer to look at College Slot-Cs in their summer hoochie wear.

[Anonymous 7]

If you like the outdoors (camping, fishing, hiking etc) there is a beautiful lake a hop, skip and jump North of where you are going to be.

Kansas is pretty lame compared to the ‘fun’ States but there are little gems here and there.

[Anonymous 43]

Part of what I am dealing with is I rushed from Florida to Kansas to find a place to live before the rest of the students showed up, and I found a suitable place but cant move in until the 15th. Now I am staying with family in south Illinois, waiting for orientation day and a school schedule so I can find a job out there. I want things to move, but I have to wait. Pull out couches suck, driving hours and hours sucks, and I can’t afford t live in hotels right now.

just getting itchy, I know what I want but I can’t have it right now. frustrating. tired of taking up space at family’s place. I thought a day trip to some old places would help. nope, just not feeling it today.

just feeling rage.

[Anonymous 43]

lol
Grue, is it better than the Gunsmoke rv camp in Dodge City? I spent 5 fabulous months there.

dust, heat, tumbleweeds, illegals, beef jerky smell, cows~~~ smell, random gunfire and trains every 45 minutes. Awesome place to be homeless

[Anonymous 42]

Anonymous wrote:

I am struggling to find some connection to society.

Don’t bother finding that connection, I found it and it’s utterly broken in a million little pieces! I’ll save you the time, trust me, don’t waste your time looking, just concentrate on living out the seldom joys life delivers.

Connection to society? that’s a good one!

Anonymous wrote:

I am struggling with is the sense of community I think I am supposed to have, that I am not some loser drifting through life wandering for no purpose.

Bro, our “purpose” has been “altered” to serve and not be served anything! In other words we’ve been re-suited for the purpose of disposable utility! Wouldn’t you rather not have any purpose at all knowing that?

All this “drifting” and “wandering” without “purpose” is all a big s~~~ dropped in your head by society telling you that you need validity.

Valid is a matter of relativity and not subject to anyone else’s opinion!

I’m VALID and the rest of the world can stand in line BEHIND ME!
If ^^^^that doesn’t skullf~~~ feminism nothing will!

[Anonymous 7]

Anonymous wrote:

lol
Grue, is it better than the Gunsmoke rv camp in Dodge City? I spent 5 fabulous months there

LOL!
I have no idea as I have rode through Dodge City once few years ago.

I can tell that the lake does not smell like cattle feces like Dodge City does.

Actually belay that, the area you are going to be living in is waaaay better than Dodge City.

[Anonymous 43]

yeah Tower, I know deep down, there will be nothing for me except the place I stand, and I am being repurposed to work for myself, and not the common good, or the good of the c~~~ and family. It is total disconnection that just hits me once in a while. I almost felt connected when I was teaching, but those were connections I did not want, and could not fit in to the communities. I couldn’t relate to the teachers…small town long term residents. How do I tell them about living in a tent for 5 months, or the other s~~~ I went through? the vast majority of my co workers were women, I can’t talk about anything more than scrambled egg recipies with them.

dam rage, disconnected from women, disconnected from people in general that just don’t wont get it.

[Anonymous 43]

That is a relief Grue…

I spent a couple days in the college town last week, seems like a decent place. Living out west was far out man, like driving to 180 miles Amarillo to find a bookstore? WTF

[Anonymous 1]

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

I have literally 3 friends, and only 1 one them I see regularly (and not even that regularly). I cut out most friends, and all my family (not an exaggeration). I feel alone a lot. My child’s mother is crazy, and I have a no contact order against her. It sounds stupid, but I still have occasional dreams where she’s hitting me. I avoid cops, any governmental buildings even if I’m just accompanying a friend, and for the most part I try to avoid females as much as possible.

It’s not easy once one takes that first red pill. What we do after that is what defines us. There is no “just do this,” or “just think about this long enough.” You know yourself best, and you probably know what’s best for you. Do you, and return here to get your red pill dose if you need to. It’s not like we’re going anywhere.

The only advice I would give is probably the same advice many others would offer:

No relationships.
No cohabitation.
No reproduction.

You’re valued by people you don’t even know, and you should know that.

[Anonymous 7]

Anonymous wrote:

That is a relief Grue…

I spent a couple days in the college town last week, seems like a decent place. Living out west was far out man, like driving to 180 miles Amarillo to find a bookstore? WTF

The area has most everything you will need close by.
There are also a couple of reasonably sized cities 25-35 minutes out. Again, not the fun capitol of the US but……

[Anonymous 43]

ty SJAWman666 I just need to settle down and wait for things to happen.

I wake up screaming most nights with the c~~~, cops or someone in my room there to f~~~ me up. even 1000 miles away, I am still subject to the one phone call.

avoiding women is an important part of my day. last thing I want is to be derailed on my new career path.

[DiogenesParticipant 373]

May 7, I thought you wrote once that you are an artist. There’s a possible answer for you. And you don’t even need much in way of materials to express yourself – just start breathing the gases and exhale.

I’m not a professional artist but I have done it all my life. You know how therapeutic it can be. It kept me sane and contented more than once during my blue pill hell days.

Every place has a community of artists. Of course, they usually are as crazy as loons, but they don’t give a rat’s behind. Some times hanging out with folks like that is just what the doctor ordered.

[StealthParticipant 5335]

I’m going to give you my thoughts unfiltered.

May, I have followed your posts and am cheering you on. You are on the cusp of breaking out into the new, successful you.

Anonymous wrote:

SO, I am back in the Chicago Suburbs again for the day, looking for something comfortable, or familiar, some sense of home. The roads and highways are familiar, some of the places are the same.

What the f~~~ does this even mean.
You are looking for the wrong things. And in the wrong places.
Drop the “C-word” (“comfortable”). It is for women and childish consumer culture. Replace it with the word “proactive.” Seek growth and being your best self. The c-word is against these things, and against you. The c word is a synonym for death. I have dropped this word from my vocabulary, and it has served me well.

The c-word would have you exist where you are at now, combining misery with pain killers, rather than grow past it. Maybe you do that now and then, but stop looking back, and look forward. Enjoy your time going back to your old neighborhoods, but actively decide to repel nostalgia from consuming you, unless you just need to bathe in it for an hour or two and move on. It’s often an important part of the grieving / changing process, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you feel you’re losing frame when going back.

Think like an athlete. Heck, become an athlete. Anything that trains yourself to win. The comfort zone is a thing to avoid. Familiarity keeps people stuck in mediocrity. You of all members here are fighting for survival and learning these important lessons. When you are through this s~~~ vortex, you will be one seriously bad motherf~~~er. At the same time, I could understand with all the chaos you’ve been through, seeking more center, balance, unity, a sense of home. I have sought these things myself but no longer from people or places, since those things change without you.

I can relate to your journey. At one time I was hung up on the nostalgia I felt whenever I returned as well. Chicago will keep changing and the places and people you knew there will scatter. You are part of these changes too. I’ve lived overseas and have come to understand the saying that you can never truly go back home. But that saying really refers to personal growth, not a change of locations. You outgrow your former worlds, and initially that loss seems very heavy. But eventually you get used to it and realize that your home is bigger, it is wherever on this earth you put yourself, whether homeless or not. And your friends become those people who have gained similar knowledge through similar experiences, rather than the people you once knew and have past memories with.

The journey itself becomes your home. It’s not a place, an era, or people. It’s you moving around through the flux life. It’s making acquaintances and losing them, changing jobs.

The ideal of home is a nostalgaic vision, an illusion.
These lyrics by Lyle Lovett’s “Road to Ensenada” come to mind:

As I lay sick and broken
Viva Mexico
My eyes just won’t stay open
And I dream a dream of home
I dream a dream of home
Where coffee’s on the table
And there’s kindness in your hand
Honey I’ll help you rightly
But right now I’m feeling bad.
Right now I’m feeling bad.
Listen to your heart that beats
And follow it with both your feet
And as you walk and as you breathe
You ain’t no friend to me.

Remember: People make it big in NYC or Kansas or LA . . . but they come from Chicago! I have complete faith in you and your ability to continue kicking ass, and believe your trip just understandably hit some nerves. I hope this school year is your best one yet.

"Once you’ve taken care of the basics, there’s very little in this world for which your life is worth deferring." -David Hansson. "It’s not when women are mean or nasty that anything is out of the ordinary. It’s when they are NICE to you that you have to be on high alert..." -Jackinov.

[Anonymous 43]

thanks for the kick in the ass Stealth, just exactly what I needed.

yes, I have outgrown this place, and I have moved on. Like I said, some blue pill bs was coming over me. everything I cared about is gone and moved on.

I spent a lot of time in Dupage Co and maybe I was looking for some vestige of the blue pill blinder comfort, but it won’t be there. I have too much time on my hands and I am going to get into trouble.

I’m here for another reason, meeting up with someone on the MGTOW forum.

[AutoliteParticipant]

Anonymous wrote:

Someday I will be able to breath freely, standing in my own backyard and wonder at my journey. I

Patience my friend. I had moved around all my life and had lived in many different places all across the country. Each place has different memories but none feel like ‘home’. Even returning to where I grew up feels completely foreign to me now.

“Someday” will be when you’re too tired to keep moving around and that will finally be ‘home’. And that day will probably come sooner than you think so don’t be in such a rush… 😀

[Author]

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