I need to vent a moment gents…

[Jeremiah JohnsonParticipant 2219]

So…My b-day was recent…I did not do anything, or expect anything, it is just another trip around the big glowing star…Anyhow…My mother made me dinner, and at that dinner, I PURPOSELY, said many, MANY, MANY times…”That for the next few months, I am going to be out of my mind BUSY, I have one project after another lines up, and when you factor in my daily chores, and the just regular routine s~~~ that has to be done, I have ABSOLUTELY NOT ONE MINUTE to spare…I said it many times so it would sink in THOROUGHLY that I WILL NOT have a spare minute to come over for dinner, or to help out with ANYTHING AT ALL…I AM JUST TO DAD-GUM BUSY…And I was not lying, I don’t have time for this, but I am so god damned p~~~ed off right now, if I don’t vent to someone I could f~~~ing implode….So, here were are a few days later, and she calls, to ask if I could come over and help move around her old deep freezer, and move in the new one…I said, laughingly, when? TODAY??? She goes no, now….BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is me f~~~ing IMPLODING…I say as calmly as I can too her, no mom, I don’t have a minute to spare, I do believe I told you this a few days ago, right, remember me saying, I am super busy…She says yeah, I remember, but thought you could at least take a second to help out…I said politely no mother, I really don’t, I am sorry, just don’t have the time…So she gets all f~~~ing quiet, and f~~~ing god damned butt hurt, and was all okay then, bye…I said, I love you mom, she says yeah, love you and hangs up….NOW I KNOW I SAID I HAVE NO F~~~S LEFT TO GIVE BUT THIS S~~~ IS F~~~ING KILLING ME GOD DAMN IT…I CANNOT F~~~ING TAKE IT….I should not have to deal with this kind of kiddy god damned bulls~~~ games she plays…holy s~~~ I mean, f~~~ing why…why….why….

Men are at a time when panning for gold in a urinal has a higher probability of success than finding a faithful and loving woman, it is time to go your own way.....

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

Well congratulations for surviving another year with your sanity relatively intact. It is sad that your mom is playing power games and playing on your emotions—she knows just what buttons to push and when to push them. But your knowledge of reality makes you strong enough to deal with it. Hang in there man.

[Veritech AceParticipant 699]

Whenever anyone tries to manipulate me, I ask myself what I would do if they weren’t trying to pressure me…and then I do that. And if they continue, I calmly say no one time. If they still continue, I look at them like they are slowly growing a 2nd head. Eventually they figure it out and stop with the manipulation.

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

If she gets to you again like this—simply remind her that one day you’ll be the one pushing her wheelchair.

[Jeremiah JohnsonParticipant 2219]

Veritech Ace wrote:

If they still continue, I look at them like they are slowly growing a 2nd head. Eventually they figure it out and stop with the manipulation.

I only wish it were so easy brother, she still wouldn’t get it…MIND you I am disabled, and my back is totally f~~~ed up and the f~~~ing pain is unbearable, she knows that, and she still asks me to do s~~~ she knows I shouldn’t and couldn’t be doing…see, the woman knows what she is doing….jab jab jab jab jab f~~~ing jab, stab stabby stab…the men I have never even met here on this site know I cannot do this kind of s~~~, but my own mother, see, she knows what she is doing…If I would have given in today, s~~~ no f~~~ing end to it, still won’t be, but at least now, she sees me trying to stand my ground, just wonder what the consequences are going to be for this little insubordination…jesus, gonna give me a f~~~ing stroke

Men are at a time when panning for gold in a urinal has a higher probability of success than finding a faithful and loving woman, it is time to go your own way.....

[joetechParticipant]

Mothers are like that. I never gave mine the chance…thank you U.S. Navy.

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

[Puffin StuffParticipant 25019]

I’m in the position of taking care of my 85 year old mother, after my brother died. This means living in her house as she is scared to sleep alone in the house. She has literally never slept alone all her adult life.

She f~~~s with me constantly. My mother s~~~ tests me, f~~~s with me, manipulates me. Then the quiet..”do you think I would be better in a home??? Maybe that would make you happy.”. Yawn.

I go my own way. Right now it’s in taking care of my mom but, if she p~~~es me off, I still have my own house with the cable and internet connected so within minutes I’m out the door and back to sanity.

You’ve got to be willing to walk away. Learn to say “No”. (I’m still working on this stuff myself…lol)

#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.

[Anonymous 54]

Sounds like you handled it just fine. Why be mad? You just calmly state your limits, and she has no choice in the matter. Then say love you Ma!.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

My mother does exactly the same s~~~ and she does it ON PURPOSE – TO IRRITATE.

Understanding that is the first step to not getting worked up about it.

Mothers have an uncanny ability to drive a man to drink. They are worse than wives if you don’t put your foot down. And they will milk it and expect you to be weak because she is “your mother”…… so in her mind, saying no to your mother is cruel if not impossible.

But don’t you ever cave.

Jeremiah Johnson wrote:

She says yeah, I remember, but thought you could at least take a second to help out…

… which is just her way of saying she doesn’t respect your time, or your commitments and priorities.

This is when you can confront her directly and say “how does your freezer somewhow TRUMP all of my previous commitments? Because the last time I explained this to you, I extended you the courtesy of giving you an explanation. I explained WHY I can’t help you this week. But it’s clear you didn’t pay attention, so now I’m just going to say NO, and you’re going to have to accept it as my final answer.”

Click.

She’s a woman. It’s a s~~~ test like any other.
If you drop everything to help her move that freezer, you failed the s~~~ test.

The freezer can wait. And so can she. There is not a single goddam reason why that old freezer needs to be moved today except to see if you’re WEAK enough to do it. (winks)

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

More sympathetic I could not be. After four strokes I finally went on disability—not SSI but another program through OPM. I was an attorney working first for the VA and then for the DoD and the stuff I was told to do; and the s~~~ I had to put up with you wouldn’t believe. You hear the VA is incompetent and corrupt? Believe me you don’t know the half of it. The stress kept getting to me so I would stroke out—usually paralyzing my left side, arms/legs/eye etc and in a few months I would come back and start all over again but the last stroke took me out of the game for good.

I say good riddance to it all. I never want to hear about motions/pleadings/briefs etc. ever again. I took up gunsmithing and you know what I really like it. As an attorney I would produce stuff and handle cases but in the end it all goes down a rabbit hole. Now when I restore a rifle or pistol back to excellent condition I’ve done something that will last a hundred years. Something that will be used and admired. I should never have gone to law school (I was talked into it) but instead pursued my passion from the start.

When you start pushing around her wheelchair she better hope there isn’t a cliff around.

[Anonymous 1]

My mum has been the cause of a great deal of stress in my life, and we’ve fallen out many times. She puts me under and awful lot of pressure to go over as many times as possible. Her expectations are that I should be visiting once a week, but I just cant afford the time every week.

I have 2 brothers that barely bother to go round at all. When I asked why she doesn’t have the same expectations on them, she replied “because you’re the caring one”

She once called me at work and said exactly this “I think I have depression and it’s your fault” – CAN YOU F~~~ING BELIEVE THAT?

Mother’s have the potential to cause us a great deal of pain, and they often and reservedly meet that potential.

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

May I suggest Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life January 2, 2002 by Susan Forward. Yes I know A woman wrote this so it is suspect but when you cut through her psycho-babble BS the points made are worthwhile.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Sooner – or later – a man has to have this uncomfortable conversation with his parents.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Anonymous 54]

Anonymous wrote:

When I asked why she doesn’t have the same expectations on them, she replied “because you’re the caring one”

Women will take advantige of this fine qaulity in a Man. Do not let them! They will use you up till theres nothing left. You have a right to set the limits on how much of yourselfe you give. You have the right to take care of your own health. Physicaly and pshycologicaly

[Back in BlackParticipant 1732]

This is a boundary issue. My mother, as I see her, has histrionic personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies and abandonment issues. I am 100% aware she is this way and fully EXPECT her to act like your mother is acting (and much worse). This keeps me sane around her. My mother is incapable of respecting boundaries. As such, my time with her is minimal and my boundaries with her are very strong and clear and I have almost zero flexibility. The reason being, she would destroy me if I allowed her to.

I won’t tell you what to do but what I do is set my boundaries and when she inevitably tries to cross them I simply re-interate my boundary. I explain NOTHING to her. I just restate my boundary very clearly and briefly. “No”. That’s sometimes it. Sometimes I have to restate my boundaries three or four times. Believe me, my mother doesn’t give two s~~~s about me or anyone else. And she will never stop.

Open your eyes brother. Google some info on cluster b personality types. Maybe your mother does not fit the criteria exactly but I would be willing to bet she ticks some of the boxes.

You are at war brother. Get informed.

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man, who is a man in the strict sense of the word. Consider how a young girl will toy day after day with a child, dance with it and sing to it; and then consider what a man, with the very best intentions in the world, could do in her place.” Quote from Arthur Shopenhauer, 17th century philosopher

[Anonymous 1]

Anonymous wrote:

Women will take advantige of this fine qaulity in a Man. Do not let them! They will use you up till theres nothing left. You have a right to set the limits on how much of yourselfe you give. You have the right to take care of your own health. Physicaly and pshycologicaly

Definitely. As soon as she made the comment I saw straight through the manipulation.

It’s a shame that she would use my good nature in order to manipulate me.

I don’t tolerate bulls~~~ from women, but I do struggle when it comes to my mother.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Anonymous wrote:

I have 2 brothers that barely bother to go round at all. When I asked why she doesn’t have the same expectations on them, she replied “because you’re the caring one”

She once called me at work and said exactly this “I think I have depression and it’s your fault” – CAN YOU F~~~ING BELIEVE THAT?

Yeah I can.

Saying “You’re the caring one” and then blaming you for her depression …. is like a woman telling you that you’re “too nice” so now she’s gonna treat you like an asshole for it.

Your two other brothers know the score.

Anonymous wrote:

Definitely. As soon as she made the comment I saw straight through the manipulation.

And now you do, too.

Anonymous wrote:

It’s a shame that she would use my good nature in order to manipulate me.

Don’t feel too bad about it. You’re hardly the first.

Women constantly exploit men’s good nature. And they are fully aware of it.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Back in BlackParticipant 1732]

Also, it is not necessary to be a dick. When I set boundaries with my mother I keep it simple and civil. No emotion. The emotion of anger is just another way for them to control you and they get off on this too. Be cool.

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man, who is a man in the strict sense of the word. Consider how a young girl will toy day after day with a child, dance with it and sing to it; and then consider what a man, with the very best intentions in the world, could do in her place.” Quote from Arthur Shopenhauer, 17th century philosopher

[Anonymous 1]

Keymaster wrote:

Yeah I can.

Saying “You’re the caring one” and then blaming you for her depression …. is like a woman telling you that you’re “too nice” so now she’s gonna treat you like an asshole for it.

Your two other brothers know the score.

True. Although my brothers are extremely narcissistic. One just had a very plush wedding financed by my parents and he showed no appreciation. At one point he was forwarding invoices to my parents for thousands without any message or note of appreciation.

My mum actually called me to moan about him and my advice “pull the f~~~ing plug”

They didn’t.

I’m going a little off topic here. That’s a story for another day.

[Anonymous 18]

Keymaster wrote:

Don’t feel too bad about it. You’re hardly the first.

From the article:

Over a quarter of the women questioned said their one regret about their wedding day was their choice of groom.

[Author]

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