Home › Forums › MGTOW Central › How to completely let go of the need for approval?
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Prefer Peace to Piece 2 years, 11 months ago.
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I live my life on my own terms. And most of the time I don’t give a s~~~ about what other people think about me.
However, I have my moments of weakness where I will get caught up in stressing over what other people might think of me – about my appearance, about what I said, about what I did.
I usually snap out of it quickly, but I would love to be 100% no f~~~s given, all the time.Have you completely let go of the need for approval from others?
If so, please share your thoughts and advice on how to completely let go of the addiction to approval.Peace
Thanks, Stealthy! I definitely need to work on getting more positive input in my life!
Anonymous42The only approval I need is from myself.
The only scrutiny I get is scrutiny I get from myself.
Does an oak tree need approval from a maple? No, the oak wraps its roots around the maple then grows over the maple and shades it to death.
This is just how I see it. Throw it away if it doesn’t work for you….
Most of the time I don’t give a s~~~ about what other people think about me.
I disagree with an attitude “not giving a s~~~ what anyone thinks of me”.
You know: “I DON’T CARE!! I DO WHAT I WANT!!! F~~~ EVERYONE ELSE!!”
It sounds like the declaration of a petulant 8 year old.Read: feminist dying her armpit hair green. Marching down the street making efforts to look as utterly repugnant as possible, shreaking at the top of her voice…. Madonna, basically, and in her own movie “Do we care what other people think of us? NOOOO!!!!!!” – even saying in a toddler’s voice.
However, I have my moments of weakness where I will get caught up in stressing over what other people might think of me – about my appearance, about what I said, about what I did.
It’s not “weakness”. A self-established sense of propriety is important, a sign of strength, restraint and discipline.
I still make efforts to care what other people think:
• “Good morning” instead of “hi”
• “Certainly” instead of “no problem”.
• “I’d be happy to” instead of “sure”
• “Excellent, thanks” instead of “fine”.… exercise, diet, and looking well put together etc.
“Caring” is what they lack. They don’t give a s~~~.
They will roll through a STOP sign because they “don’t’ give a f~~~”.How is that a good thing?
I usually snap out of it quickly, but I would love to be 100% no f~~~s given, all the time.
Why? Caring what other people think is what “they” lack – to a point of being totally belligerent and the kind of person nobody wants to be around. To a certain extent , you NEED to care, because when you don’t …. standards of propriety get LOWERED to barrel scraping levels. Just look at the current world around you. Don’t you want to be BETTER than that?
I’m talking self-respect and maintaining a higher standard of basic decency.
Where you should “not care” and “give zero f~~~s” is when they attempt to disqualify you, or tell you what your problem is, when they attempt to lower your self worth, and bring you down to their level. Like if someone criticizes you for being “too nice” (how the f~~~ his that a problem?). Or because you enforce an effortless/basic expectation that you expect someone to respond to your call within 24 hours. Or showing up on time. …. your own standards and sense of propriety that you establish for yourself.
You don’t need approval from others when you meet yours own standards which are higher than theirs.
Ditching an approval-seeking mentality is paramount, and takes years, because you have been conditioned to rely on it. But during those years, you establish your own social cues, and once your standards are HIGHER than theirs, you won’t need their approval for anything. Ever.
Eventually, your approval is the only approval that matters.
Believe me, I have caught myself “caring too much” about what other people think to the point of a serious flaw. Other people’s approval was FAR too important to me at one point. But holy s~~~, is it ever fantastic when you don’t need it anymore.
The only scrutiny I get is scrutiny I get from myself.
This is right.
When you’re hard enough on yourself, you don’t need others to scrutinize because you’re doing it already. Scrutinizing themselves is what others could afford to do a little more often.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.In my experience, if I’m putting forth a good faith effort. I have nothing to be anxious about on my end.
Now the other side of the coin is that my good faith effort doesn’t guarantee success. It only makes it more likely.
That’s the crux at the heart of worry. As well as others’ approval. Other people may or may not be putting in the effort. They also might have a hard time accepting that things don’t always go thier way. So then they might dissaprove of you, and you might believe there’s an actual good faith lapse on your part. Then the cycle keeps repeating itself until you understand. F~~~ it I’m only human, maybe next time it’ll go my way.
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. --Sun Tsu
Thanks, Keymaster. That’s a completely new perspective that I haven’t considered yet.
I do think I have, on average, a much higher standard set for myself than people set for me. So maybe what I’m experiencing from time to time is doubting my own standard, or way, in comparison with other people’s standards.Rationally I think that my way of working hard, taking care of my body, working on improving myself, delaying gratification etc. is the better way. However, sometimes I worry that I might be doing all of this only to get validation from other people in the end. This is what I meant with my weakness. I hope my motivation is internal. But sometimes I fear it is external.
Maybe I should just not give a f~~~ and keep going – I’m motivated anyway, so maybe thinking about it too much is just mental masturbation…
When I was around 20 years old, I was still living with my parents, attending a local university, and had ‘undecided’ as my major. My parents didn’t pressure me too hard about making a decision about what I was going to do with my life. But they didn’t have to. They knew it was time, and I knew it was time.
As I thought about it, it occurred to me that old people nearing the end of their lives tended to regret things that they hadn’t done or hadn’t attempted more than they regretted things they attempted that were unsuccessful. I wanted to live my life in such a way that at the end of it, I wouldn’t look back and regret not having made good use of the time.
When I started to look for a way to measure what ‘good use’ would be, there was no shortage of people lining up to give me their advice. But it was inconsistent from person to person. Eventually, it all just sounded like noise. Finally it occurred to me that if I believe in any God at all, then that God would be the source of my life, and would be the holder of any debt I had for having received it. If I view my life as a gift, I can navigate through it on the premise that I should not waste it in the eyes of the God who gave it to me.
I’m not a very religious person. But I am willing to believe that there’s a God because I don’t have a better explanation for how I came to exist. It follows then that if I ever have to explain and defend how I chose to live my life, it will only be to the God who provided it. I didn’t get born or blessed with musical talent, so I can assume I was not intended to do that. I didn’t get blessed with the ability to sing or dance, or entertain or do a lot of other stuff I don’t have the ability to do. I don’t have enormous skill at relationships, and have not been born into a world where there are many attractive offers to form them.
What I got was an ability for science, and so I have navigated my life accordingly in order to try to make best use of it. If at the end of my life, God appears and asks me why I made the decisions that I made, my answer is basically going to be that I was playing the hand that was dealt me as best I could for the result I was guessing was going to fit His definition of ‘best use’ of the time.
This is a long way of getting around to the point that NOWHERE in this equation does the approval of other people fit in, because NOWHERE in this equation have other people had much role in providing my life to me, or of contributing much to it. You provide my house and you might get to decide what neighborhood I live in. Pay for my clothes and your approval of the color of those clothes might matter. But I’m a man, so most people wouldn’t give me a cup of coffee if I were starving in the street.
The approval of other people might be nice to have, but I’m not going out of my way to get it. Because at the end of my life, when I look back on it, those people will not have contributed a damn thing to it. And I expect to view any time or effort I spent trying to get that approval to have been a waste of time.
Just my humble opinion, but if you find something more important to you than the approval of other people (your approval within yourself, God’s approval, whatever…) then the value of the approval of other random people diminishes in that context.
Look, it's not my fault that tornado dropped a house on your sister. Now get back on your broom and get your ass out of here... and take your monkeys with you
“to thy own self be true. ”
simple, pure, priceless.
God bless peace and freedom.
Thanks, Keymaster.
“My pleasure” instead of “you’re welcome”.
…. because saying “my pleasure” implies thanks was not required.
(smiles)
That tiny little difference, makes a BIG difference.
So go ahead and give a f~~~ from time to time.That’s a completely new perspective that I haven’t considered yet.
Has any man ever heard a woman say those words? I have not.
When I have tried to teach a woman something of value, she thinks I’m being cruel.However, sometimes I worry that I might be doing all of this only to get validation from other people in the end.
You don’t do it for their validation.
You do it — >> to deny them the opportunity to disqualify & criticize.Whatever works as a motivator is OK. I don’t polish my boots because I WANT to or enjoy doing it. I polish my shoes because that effort is noticed. You wash and keep your car clean for a reason too. It FEELS GOOD to have a snappy and clean car, and when someone gets into your spotless car, they may not say anything to “validate” you…. but they WILL think “holy s~~~, my car is a disaster compared to this”.
Let it feel good.
Yesterday evening I went to my car with a toothbrush, and vinegar & water solution to remove a couple of coffee spots. Barely noticeable to anyone but me. Someone might say “are you f~~~ing kidding with that?”. That’s when I would “not give a f~~~”.
Maybe I should just not give a f~~~ and keep going – I’m motivated anyway, so maybe thinking about it too much is just mental masturbation…
“Think” about it, just don’t WORRY about it because you got it covered. Let “no f~~~s given” be about more about rejecting any DOWNER someone would attempt to impose on you. The world works very hard at that. Let it be your bullet-proof shield.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.You keep busy and a full mind. Audio books.
Garden, learn s~~~ non stop.
Cooking, plant a spice garden, really research about each spice.
Acquire knowledge, not idiots in your life.
Master s~~~ and you are self sustaining.
Have projects.
Clean and unf~~~ s~~~.
Last night was sewing up my ripped sleeping bag.
Organize s~~~.
The lizard brain requires input, you change the inputs.
Stealthy
Can’t believe you said all that without even mentioning the fleshlight lol.
Δεν υπάρχει τίποτε αδύνατο γι’ αυτόν που θα προσπαθήσει. - Μέγας Αλέξανδρος
Anonymous42But I’m a man, so most people wouldn’t give me a cup of coffee if I were starving in the street.
That says it all about approval! The other side of the approval coin is guidance, those who seek approval at the same time also seek guidance. Perhaps those that seek approval suffer from low self esteem…
However, I have my moments of weakness where I will get caught up in stressing over what other people might think of me – about my appearance, about what I said, about what I did.
There are times when it’s entirely appropriate and and a very good idea to be concerned about such matters. These are not “moments of weakness”. They’re things like meeting customers, job interviews, legal matters. Any time you are pulled over by the police you want to make a good impression.
However this does not mean being obsequious. It simply means being honest, forthright, well dressed, well spoken, and well mannered. It means holding yourself to the highest standard you can such that it becomes automatic. When you do that, you cannot help but gain the approval of the people who matter.
Note that random women you meet do not matter. However when you are maintaining your own high standard with no concern for their approval, women start seeking your approval. It’s in their nature to do so. Often to the point of becoming annoying, because they set no standards for themselves whatsoever.
Thank you guys for your honest advice and feedback.
It has given me a lot to think about.Perhaps those that seek approval suffer from low self esteem
Too many people would rather a man did “suffer from low self-esteem”.
They often prefer men that way.
A man who “suffers” from HIGH self-esteem is the greatest force on the planet. It freaks them out. They just can’t deal with it.
You know that extreme bulls~~~ “Men are intimidated by a strong /independent/successful woman”?? Well, strong/independent/successful women will f~~~ing RUN & HIDE from you when she realizes you’re not “intimidated” in the least.
If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.Wanting validation from others in normal. We all want to fit in and “win” at life. Winning at life means a pretty girl, 2 kids, a high paying job, fancy cars, expensive vacations and lots of friends to brag to. Some are dealt better hands than others.
It is our internal psyche that keeps telling us to keep trying to run up that hamster wheel. You are almost there! There comes a point in every mans life where he must sit back and disconnect from ramming his head against that brick wall.
Some men discover this at 20 others at 60. No matter ones ages eventually all humans sort of “check out of life”. Ever look at an old person’s behavior? They simply don’t care anymore. Same clothes, furniture, attitudes since 1978. They no longer are concerned about anyone’s opinions.
I have a friend who is brilliant. He had a 4.0 in high school. He was well liked, funny and popular. He was the guy who was everyone’s friend and the life of the party. He had multiple scholarships and was regarded as a guy going place in life. As he got to college drinking and drugs overtook his life. He eventually developed mental disorders (it was in his family) and was institutionalized multiple times.
He is now in his mid 30s and finally stable with medication. He lives in a dumpy apartment and works 20 hours a week as a waiter in restaurants. He enjoys reading, football, poker, video games, pot, smoking cigarettes, shagging bar flies and drinking with his buddies at the restaurant. Society regards him is a loser because he has let his mental disorders get the better of him. He never used his brilliance to finish college or make a ton of money. He used his mental disorder as an excuse and never went back to school because of the stress of it all. He told me one day he used to get bummed about not doing anything with his life. People were always judging him and telling him to suck it up. He got to a point with therapy where he learned to accept his life and his choices. He said it was the best life possible because it was easy and there was zero stress. Today he is his happy go lucky self because he is going his own way.
The last step in any sort of loss/change is acceptance. It is our opinion that MGTOW is the logical pathway when you accept that modern society is stressful and not worth the constant struggle. The red pill offers a way of peace from the crazy that is women and chaos of “the system”. It is up to each of us to determine whether or not we accept MGTOW as truth or will continue to slam our heads against the wall.
Anonymous42A man who “suffers” from HIGH self-esteem is the greatest force on the planet. It freaks them out. They just can’t deal with it.
I get that allot!
You know that extreme bulls~~~ “Men are intimidated by a strong /independent/successful woman”?? Well, strong/independent/successful women will f~~~ing RUN & HIDE from you when she realizes you’re not “intimidated” in the least.
That too!
P.S. That “strong independent women thing”, I still can’t comprehend what that even means, it never made sense to me and never will, to me it’s a total oxymoron…
Hey OMW,
In my own words:
I’m not not giving a f~~~ just because i don’t care what other people think.
I’m not giving a f~~~, because i’m giving MORE of a f~~~ what i think/want, and that’s so important that i can’t spend energy giving a f~~~ what other people think.Paraphrasing from Mark Manson at https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-f~~~
Anonymous54I only need the approval of those who sign my check.
For a Man, the first step towards true freedom, is when you no longer care what women think of you.
Wanting validation from others in normal. We all want to fit in and “win” at life. Winning at life means a pretty girl, 2 kids, a high paying job, fancy cars, expensive vacations and lots of friends to brag to. Some are dealt better hands than others.
It is our internal psyche that keeps telling us to keep trying to run up that hamster wheel. You are almost there! There comes a point in every mans life where he must sit back and disconnect from ramming his head against that brick wall.
Some men discover this at 20 others at 60. No matter ones ages eventually all humans sort of “check out of life”. Ever look at an old person’s behavior? They simply don’t care anymore. Same clothes, furniture, attitudes since 1978. They no longer are concerned about anyone’s opinions.
I have a friend who is brilliant. He had a 4.0 in high school. He was well liked, funny and popular. He was the guy who was everyone’s friend and the life of the party. He had multiple scholarships and was regarded as a guy going place in life. As he got to college drinking and drugs overtook his life. He eventually developed mental disorders (it was in his family) and was institutionalized multiple times.
He is now in his mid 30s and finally stable with medication. He lives in a dumpy apartment and works 20 hours a week as a waiter in restaurants. He enjoys reading, football, poker, video games, pot, smoking cigarettes, shagging bar flies and drinking with his buddies at the restaurant. Society regards him is a loser because he has let his mental disorders get the better of him. He never used his brilliance to finish college or make a ton of money. He used his mental disorder as an excuse and never went back to school because of the stress of it all. He told me one day he used to get bummed about not doing anything with his life. People were always judging him and telling him to suck it up. He got to a point with therapy where he learned to accept his life and his choices. He said it was the best life possible because it was easy and there was zero stress. Today he is his happy go lucky self because he is going his own way.
The last step in any sort of loss/change is acceptance. It is our opinion that MGTOW is the logical pathway when you accept that modern society is stressful and not worth the constant struggle. The red pill offers a way of peace from the crazy that is women and chaos of “the system”. It is up to each of us to determine whether or not we accept MGTOW as truth or will continue to slam our heads against the wall.
F~~~ all that s~~~. The guy seems to be confused. He hasn’t destroyed anothers existence. Destroying another takes percieved non accountability.
This man from your description is what t~~~s would call privileged. He seems to have internalized something he may not.understand yet.
Yet he’s judged by a privileged standard.
Some people are saying to him “you should be better than this.”It’s possible that he’s thinking, what exactly am I supposed to be better than. No easy answers are forthcoming so he may continue to apply a salve to an unknown.
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. --Sun Tsu
Anonymous11I only need the approval of those who sign my check.
Ditto! F~~~ everyone else!
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