"You're very intense."

[RockmaninoffParticipant 1641]

People usually say this to me to describe the way I interact with people (sometimes it’s meant to be a criticism, sometimes just an observation). Perhaps I can see where they’re coming from: I approach things I want to accomplish with a certain fervor, in order to be certain to effect the desired outcome. I can, and do, talk for long periods of time on esoteric subjects I feel passionate about.

But I’ve been told that my “intensity” in my reactions with people is counterproductive to my purposes. For example, I recently asked a girl to go to something with me, to which she said: “sure, sounds like fun.” Now, knowing the flaky behavior of women, I know that a “sure” does not necessarily mean yes, but I needed to know whether to reserve another ticket for her (I didn’t want her to not show up, because then I’d be out $11). So next time I encountered her, I asked her: “So, you’re coming for sure, right? Because I need to know.” And, lo, she said no. It was suggested to me that she was turned off by my aggressive and “intense” accosting of her.

Has anyone ever said this to you to describe you/your behavior? Thoughts?

". . . elle, suivant l’usage des femmes et des chats qui ne viennent pas quand on les appelle et qui viennent quand on ne les appelle pas, s’arrêta devant moi et m’adressa la parole"—Prosper Mérimée

[OneforfreedomParticipant 930]

Same s~~~ as always. They see everything wrong with the world, not with them, and so they label you like that. Wouldn’t pay any attention to it.

Good for you for confirming the date.

Rockmaninoff wrote:

I recently asked a girl to go to something with me, to which she said: “sure, sounds like fun.” Now, knowing the flaky behavior of women, I know that a “sure” does not necessarily mean yes, but I needed to know whether to reserve another ticket for her (I didn’t want her to not show up, because then I’d be out $11).

One thing though: Why would you pay for a girl you barely know/who is not committed to you nor respects you (as shown by her canceling and not even letting you know about it until you asked)?

[RockmaninoffParticipant 1641]

Oneforfreedom wrote:

Why would you pay for a girl you barely know/who is not committed to you nor respects you (as shown by her canceling and not even letting you know about it until you asked)?

I had a member discount to the concert hall, meaning I can get tickets for half price. I planned to pass the savings down to her (i.e., I buy two tickets with my membership and she would pay me back for one). My problem was that had I reserved both tickets and then she didn’t come, then I would be $11 poorer.

". . . elle, suivant l’usage des femmes et des chats qui ne viennent pas quand on les appelle et qui viennent quand on ne les appelle pas, s’arrêta devant moi et m’adressa la parole"—Prosper Mérimée

[XSDBSParticipant 3598]

Rockmaninoff wrote:

My problem was that had I reserved both tickets and then she didn’t come, then I would be $11 poorer.

$11 to find out she wasn’t interested in you?
I’d say that was a good deal.
Think of the money saved from a second, third, and even fourth wasted date.

[RockmaninoffParticipant 1641]

XSDBS wrote:

$11 to find out she wasn’t interested in you?

Nope. Found out she wasn’t interested for free. I didn’t pay anything.

Actually, I found out jack s~~~, since she said both that she wanted to go and that she didn’t want to go.

". . . elle, suivant l’usage des femmes et des chats qui ne viennent pas quand on les appelle et qui viennent quand on ne les appelle pas, s’arrêta devant moi et m’adressa la parole"—Prosper Mérimée

[RoyDalParticipant]

I’ve know one for years who says “yes” when she means, “no I don’t agree with you. but I want you to think I do so you’ll change the subject.”

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[HitmanParticipant]

yes , iv’e been told i’m ” intense ” ..as well. i think because most people who are not ” intense ” are NOT FOCUSED ! they are all over the place with their thoughts and the ” intensity ” they see is rare ..someone with the ability to stay on point .

[RebalancedParticipant 346]

I’ve been told I’m deep and or intense many times. Usually it just means they want you to be more shallow and hollow like they are.

I don't need pussy

[Soldier-MedicParticipant 2566]

Intensity. One of the traits that I have is that I look everyone in the eye. I don’t smile that often, especially in new encounters.

I have had two distinct reactions from women. The first is that they are intimidated or they misconstrue my behavior as an attempt to intimidate. The second is that it is a turn on to women.

I have had to learn to animate my face from time to time. When I was an medic instructor, one of my classes started to call me SGT Botox behind my back. I wasn’t offended but I asked why they called me that. It was because nothing on my face moved above my earlobes. From this I learned that when in a group setting it pays to animate your face from time to time. Don’t fake what I am thinking or feeling, just animate my face in line with what my thoughts are especially if I don’t understand something or if something positive is being discussed.

I’m not sure if this is in line with what you are experiencing. I do understand that people are fearful, intimidated, or turned off by those that express themselves or don’t express themselves in a more extreme manner.

"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

Most women … in the general population are …. when it comes to male interaction …. idiots or void of anything one would label stimulating.

I find the effort I put in …. is very very seldom returned.

You saved money & had a red flag revealed. I call that a job well done.

Who cares if you’re intense. That’s what put men on the moon.

[Knights Templar RisingParticipant 5106]

“You’re too intense” <- had more than one girl dump me this way in my younger days.

It basically means I was not a flaky borderline loser like them and their friends. Sure, it is no problem to be “laid back” when you have no goals or responsibilities.

Sovereignty above all else.

[22DeeboiParticipant 259]

Have heard this term before. Its kinda of the same correlation to being called to serious. I didn’t care to much cuz I never worried about being called that. But I noticed girls who called me that never had their life in order. Always had something to complain about and were afraid of being looked upon as a child. I’m happy that I’m serious and intense about my life. If I wasn’t, I be a loser with no ambition. And I rather be serious and intense than be a care free hippie loser

[KeymasterKeymaster]

“You’re very intense.”

“Thank you for noticing!”

Women will often attempt to shame you for being intense, theatrical or emotional in your delivery. That’s how they operate. To try and drive you crazy and accuse you of being intense when your eyebrows come together and you are rigid about something. It’s a deflection. You would have to get pretty intense just to get a woman to understand the word “no”.

She doesn’t want to talk about her being WRONG — or a FLAKE — so she deflects the topic to your personality. Take it as a compliment and keep her on topic. “Don’t try that cheap s~~~. I was pointing out how you were wrong — and a flake”.

Whenever a woman tells you something you don’t like or she tries to criticize “your personality”.. take it as compliment. She meant it as a dig, but you have to thank her for it. Even when she calls you an asshole. After all, when a woman calls you “asshole” that’s when you know sex will happen within minutes.

Men generally ARE more passionate than women. That’s where the great classical music comes from. Operas. Art. Architecture. How passionate would you have to be to build the great wall of China? How INTENSE would you have to be to write Rachmaninoff’s Concerto #1? That’s pretty intense right there and it brings audiences to their feet.

She just paid you a massive compliment.
It’ not YOUR problem she’s boring as s~~~. At least you have a pulse.

“You’re very intense.”

“I knew there was a reason you liked me..”

When you’re NOT intense, the same woman would accuse you of being “boring”. That’s the kind of hypocrite you’re dealing with. They will flip anything into a negative. Especially your positive traits. She won’t say “he’s smart”….. she says: “he demeans my intelligence”. She doesn’t say “he’s hard working”….. she says “he’s obsessed with work”. Even your positive traits will be spun into a negative. So you drive HER crazy and flip it into a positive.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[BloodyNineParticipant 87]

If a woman ever responds with a “sure” you can bet that it really means “I’ve got you down as a placeholder for the evening until something better comes along. If not, I don’t mind a free meal/entertainment for feigning interest in you.”

Being intense is good when that energy is channeled properly. There’s a difference between positive/negative intensity, the latter of which is generally conveyed when people are intense/passionate about something and uses that passion as a means to judge others.

Be cool. And intense. And humble.

[RockmaninoffParticipant 1641]

It’s not women who call me intense, actually. It’s usually the men around me who tell me that, when I describe to them my encounters with women, and my encounters with people in general.

". . . elle, suivant l’usage des femmes et des chats qui ne viennent pas quand on les appelle et qui viennent quand on ne les appelle pas, s’arrêta devant moi et m’adressa la parole"—Prosper Mérimée

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Rockmaninoff wrote:

It’s not women who call me intense, actually. It’s usually the men around me who tell me that,

Oh I had a male boss who would do exactly the same thing. He was f~~~ing psychotic and a manipulator too. He had a very slippery way of pulling the same kind of crap. He had the kind of “monotone” personality for the PURPOSE of grating on people’s nerves. And people HATED him.

One example….. out of 2 1/2 years.

He called me from Beijing (I was in charge of his website) and said “hundreds of new members are signing up but they are not being assigned a username”. I looked into it and told him it’s not true. I’m looking at it and I sent him the list., ALL of the members in the database had a username. There wasn’t ONE member without a username. And then I asked him where he got that information from?

He calmly said “are you calling me a liar?”

I said: “Are you calling ME a liar? It’s right in front of you!!”

“Relax….. you’re getting emotional” , he says. A very common manipulation tactic known as “gas lighting”. It’s even a film with Ingrid Bergman. It’s cleverly designed to make you go out of your mind and question your own sanity. It didn’t work. He kept insisting and I told him “NO. You’re WRONG.” … while he kept accusing me of being “emotional” and “intense”.

It’s bulls~~~. Complete bulls~~~.

One day, I finally had enough. He emailed me on a Saturday and pulled a similar stunt expecting me to take care of it. Normally I just would, but this punched a 6 hour hole in my weekend. So I sent him an invoice for DOUBLE time. He refused to pay it. I told the boss – “then don’t f~~~ing email me on a Saturday expecting me to help you …. you ungrateful piece of s~~~”. End quote.

It felt f~~~ing fantastic. He was f~~~ed for the next 2 weeks.
Intense? Overly emotional? Goddam right. “Thank you for noticing”.

•••••••

Anger is a legitimate emotion in the face of injustice. You’re NOT REQUIRED to be OK with it and take s~~~ quietly. The passive acceptance of wrong doing is not a virtue. Don’t ever fall for that shaming s~~~. Especially from a white knighting losers. They would let a woman fart in their faces if they thought it might get them laid.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[DeepInThoughtParticipant 2710]

Well said @keymaster. I, like you, have met many gaslighters and they are the absolute worst. Worse still is all the naive people that side with them.

[KeymasterKeymaster]

DeepInThought wrote:

have met many gaslighters and they are the absolute worst.

They are truly THE WORST. And when you call them out…. holy s~~~. Prepare for a Tasmanian Devil. They totally lose their s~~~.

By the way, he ended up paying the invoice. But I didn’t take his calls until I was paid. He was in agony over there, I refused to answer his calls, help him – or speak to him – any more until the cheque cleared. He went out of his mind with rage. And then I finally got to say “Relax!!! You’re getting emotional”. That comment just about institutionalized him.

Perfect.

Fortunately, NOBODY is easier to manipulate — than a manipulator.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Anonymous 12]

Here’s the deal, she was never going to turn up and was probably going to use some last minute excuse like her cat dying or something. She didn’t like being called out and having to make a commitment so she blamed you.

I have been in this situation a number of times. One girlfriend would start fights if I got too serious about her in order to create distance, another would blame me for all sorts of s~~~ that just wasn’t my fault. It’s always someone else’s problem never their’s. This is why I sometimes now double book dates in advance as I know some won’t show up or some will stop chatting before hand etc.

Works well.

[AncientwisdomParticipant 6089]

The second is that it is a turn on to women.

Completely agree.

When I was an medic instructor, one of my classes started to call me SGT Botox behind my back. I wasn’t offended but I asked why they called me that. It was because nothing on my face moved above my earlobes.

Thats funny because I have the exact opposite problem – I tend to facially express everything. Sometimes I wish I didnt reveal so much.

OP, onto your point – intensity, which is typically the result of being passionate, is typically a good thing in womens eyes; depending on the subject at hand of course. I dont think theres anything wrong with you asking her if shes sure shes going. But keep in mind Im saying this as a level headed dude, not some douche bag concerned about appearing “alpha” or a PUA. The latter would say “ya bro, way off game. You looked uncertain and didnt project confidence.” I dont agree with that, but I also know how fickle females are. Like cats.

If you really wanted her to go and at the same time cover your ass from a loss of cash on her ticket, which is understandable, I would have simply added the straight forward caveat when asking her-

” Im about to buy the tickets so I need to know youre going to make it”.

Shouldn’t even need to be asked, granted, but if you are going to engage with chicks its unfortunately necessary. Which you obviously know or you wouldnt have verified with her.

The only other comment I have is theres a distinction between being “intense” and starting conflict or having the desire to argue over everything. Nothing you said in your original post makes me think youre that way. I just mention it because I have met people who want to argue over everything under the sun and they chalk it up to being intense/passionate.

I just got to the following part of the thread:

It’s usually the men around me who tell me that, when I describe to them my encounters with women, and my encounters with people in general.

Its tough to say without having met you, but I will say in general: its the rare few friends in life that you can trust their opinions and who will tell you the truth. The rest can be relentless douche bags building themselves up and putting you down in order to both boost their own ego and try and get pussy. Could be these guys are saying that to make you feel like theres something wrong with you.

So many “friends” I would have would do this. Ive even had a female friend notice this, because a guy around us was trying to get in her pants and she had no interest in them.

When the chick wasnt around the guy would ask me “are you tapping that?”. Wasnt even attracted to the chick. But she was the rare type that was a good friend. Hell, she didnt even think women should be allowed to hold public office!…End rant.

Resident cynic.

[Author]

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