Tower started these jokes under "Dating Tips with Uncle Rob"

[GregB0Participant]

Tower, Here’s another joke/reality check inspired by your “Dating Tips with Uncle Rob” thread:
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An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.

The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?”

The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, “Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?”

“No madam… I’m neither blind nor stupid… I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice.”
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​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland

[MarketWatcherParticipant]

GregB0 wrote:

man out there who had sex with you twice

Ha! Where is the “You had sex” meme when you need it? I tried to come up with something funny, but right now I’ve got nothing. /sigh/

[GregB0Participant]

Don’t worry, this thread will be around all night, as they say, and I am looking forward to a possible posting by Tower himself! Patience sometimes leads to inspiration.

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland

[FrostByteParticipant 19005]

Some Rodney Dangerfield Jokes
I’m not smart enough to come up with my own.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired then stays up and reads her book.

My wife’s not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, “all kids smell that way”

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife gives good headache

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint–a Saint Bernard!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.

[Solo MAN’S WisdomParticipant]

FrostByte wrote:

Some Rodney Dangerfield Jokes

My wife gives great headache. One of my favorites.

When women lead, destruction is the destination. -- Me.

[Can’t Stump TrumpParticipant]

I knew a black woman with seven children all named Tyrone. When I asked her how she distinguishes them, she said, “I call them by their last names!”

Women are better at multitasking? Fucking up several things at once is not multitasking.

[Anonymous 42]

An 11 is a 10 that swallows!

Do you know Dick Hurts from Holden?

[GregB0Participant]

FrostByte wrote:

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Thanks Frost, I could make a list of people to stand along the interstate as I drive home. 1 for 10 would give satisfaction at the end of some days!

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland

[GregB0Participant]

Anonymous wrote:

An 11 is a 10 that swallows!

Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.

Dick is related to Prince Albert who is still waiting to be released from his can!
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In an attempt to put this myth to rest once and for all, the Bowling in the Dark Investigative Reporting Unit has spared no expense in uncovering details of the life of the mysterious and elusive Dick Hertz. Solid information was hard to come by; the often-hidden Dick Hertz has lived a life of secrecy, punctuated by broad travels and a multitude of jobs:

1958: born Peter Hangsleaux, Loveladies, New Jersey.

1958–1975: early childhood in nearby Buttzville.

1976: frustrated with a childhood full snickering and snide penis jokes, has name legally changed to Peter Fitzgerald.

1977: moves to Bumpass, Virginia, to work as a plumber’s apprentice. Employer documentation recovered by Bowling in the Dark investigators praises young Fitzgerald’s aptitude for laying pipe.

1980: with penis-centric teasing having apparently returned to an unbearable level, changes name to Gerald Fitzwilliam.

1982: flees to the United Kingdom in hopes of finding dignity among the more proper English. According to tax records, his places of residence include Hooker Road, Norwich; Backside Lane, Oxfordshire; Wham Bottom Lane, Lancashire; Spanker Lane, Derbyshire; Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire; and Scratchy Bottom, Dorset.

1989: returns to United States as Dick Fitzwell.

1996: first recorded appearance of the Dick Hertz. Residence: Stony Bottom, West Virginia.

1999: moves to Ding Dong, Texas. Credit card receipts collected show an unhealthy appetite for meals from Arlington’s In-N-Out Burger.

2002: Dick Hertz surfaces for a time at a Wahoo, Nebraska, construction company, having been hired to operate a pile driver.
It is after 2002 that the man last known as Dick Hertz from Wahoo vanishes without a trace. Claims that he has been spotted near Fuk Man Road, Hong Kong, appear to be unreliable, as are the reports that he returned to the United Kingdom and is living in Wetwang, North Humberside, or Dorking, Surrey. He appears to have cancelled his credit cards, given up on writing checks or establishing a permanent residence, and chosen a life of quiet solitude, like Greta Garbo except with a much s~~~tier name.

The Bowling in the Dark Investigative Reporting Unit has decided that to lengthen its search for the obviously tormented Dick Hertz would cause nothing but further discomfort, and to continue pounding on Dick Hertz, merely to supply comedic fodder for an extended dick joke, would be cruel and unethical. However, based on his widespread travels and extensive work experience, we strongly suspect that Dick Hertz now hangs his hat in one of the following three places:

http://bowlinginthedark.blogspot.com/2011/06/curious-case-of-dick-hertz-from-holden.html

​"​My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.​" - Clarence Buddinton Kelland

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