Stay or Not?

[BeeParticipant 700]

I don’t really know what to do. I’ve been married 13 years. We have one child, a daughter age 10, whom I adore. My daughter and I get along great.

The wife and I, not as much. I’ve come to figure out this relationship is basically me trying to win and maintain her affection by doing whatever she wants. I pay nearly all of the household bills. She makes about 30K but doesn’t really have much to show for it (she paid off her car, sends a lot of money to family, buys A LOT of clothing and accesories, etc.) She has an explosive temper that she uses to boss around the rest of the family and I’m about sick of it. I’ve been scolded for the most minor things (folding towels incorrectly, leaving the kitchen not perfectly clean, etc.)

She’s not even that close with our daughter. My child is torn. She loves Mom but a lot of times doesn’t even want to be around her either. Mom will scold our daughter over anything and until recently getting physical (pulling hair, hitting, etc. until I told her that is completely unacceptable). Mom still has an explosive temper and does not hesitate to let a 10 minute expletive filled rant on any of us that would make a sailor blush.

I’m about at the point that I just don’t want to be around her anymore. I’d rather be alone than deal with the stress. The wild card of course is our daughter. I’m an involved parent. I do nearly all of the driving to activities, help with homework, tuck her in at night, get her ready and to school in the morning, almost everything. Mom’s interaction is pretty much yelling.

There is hardly a day where I don’t fantasize about going my own way. It’s to the extent that I look at houses for sale that have the features I want (large garages). I’d rather be alone than deal with the non-stop stress of marriage or even a relationship. However, the most important thing is for me to be there for my daughter. I need to be there to be the involved, mentally stable, parent that she needs and that requires being there more often than every other weekend (or even split time). I’d like to get her though childhood and then send the OL on her way. That’s getting hard to do.

[UntamedParticipant]

Stand firm and stand straight. No one is allowed to treat you like dirt in your own home and certainly not within earshot of your daughter. I cannot even begin to enumerate what I see in your situation.
You are a husband and a father and you had better live up to those to your full potential or see your heart and your manhood crushed.
Have you had a serious conversation with your wife ( and I don’t mean pillow talk!) about the way she treats you or do you take it and shut up?
Has she always treated you that way? Did you allow her from the beginning?
I hate to tell a man to up and leave without knowing there were serious attempts at imposing his will at home. If she’s willing to see that work is needed on her part, that she has an anger problem and is willing to seek help and marriage counselling and is willing to see your point of view, then there’s hope.
Otherwise, lawyer up, gather ammo, lock and load and be ready for the fight of your life!

Don't let them Blame, Shame or Tame you!
Give 'em NOTHING, not even an answer!
#GenderSegragationNow!

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Have some thoughts on this, but please throw them away if you don’t think they work for you.

When women are bossy / screaming / yelling / throwing tantrums I really believe it’s like begging for sex – and they don’t even know it themselves. I figured it out years too late but basically, a good f~~~ seemed to calm them down. THEN I realized I was TRAINING her to be an even BIGGER bitch. Essentially, even though he needed it (like a cry baby needs attention) I was rewarding her with attention and affection when she was behaving like a bitch. So it got WORSE. Then I stopped doing it.

The whole dichotomy made me mad. On one hand I wanted to calm her the f~~~ down and play the game, on the other hand, I didn’t want to play the game because it was like stuffing a bottle in her mouth when ever she started wailing. And when I mean “she” I mean it was a repeat pattern in ALL of them. If I bent her over, screwed her and smacked her ass, she was totally OK again. I hated it.

Then I started to treat her like a little kid. Not the first child .. the 3rd one.

When a first child falls down and hurts itself, everybody is overly concerned and it’s drama, drama, drama.
When a 3rd falls down and hurts itself….. it’s “Oh he’ll be fine”.

I started to make them aware of their own behavior by asking “why are you behaving like a complete bitch?”.
“Why are you behaving ___________ ” holds a mirror up to her. For some reason it works.

“Why are you behaving like that……. . That’s not gonna work.” A flat refusal to tolerate it. Like she’s 4. You can also be AMUSED by it instead of annoyed by her scolding. Just like there are 2 kids in the house.

Should you leave? Probably. But its not an entirely practical solution either.
I would definitely start recording it though. Especially anything against the child.

You pay all the household bills that means the terms are YOURS.
• You WILL leave a coffee ring on the counter if you feel like it.
• YOU WILL fold a towel how you FEEL LIKE folding a towel.
• You WILL leave the toiler seat UP. And there will be no negotiating it.
• You WILL leave the light on when you leave a room.
• You WILL cook with the wrong pan, and when she corrects you:

Start small and jab her a little. But smile when you do it. You may have to do this many times but she will notice a change in your attitude. It doesn’t bother you anymore. Let her figure out why. It will make her look like she’s being totally ridiculous – to herself. You can even react this way infront of your daughter. She will notice too and think it’s funny.

“EDWARD!!! YOU LEFT A COFFEE RING ON THE COUNTER AGAIN!!!”

…. and leave the room.

You will not refold a towel because SHE told you to. After she sees you are unaffected, when /if her attitude changes for the better……. fold a towel HER way – ONCE – as a reward for not being a total bitch to you. This has worked with me in the past when dealing with controlling bossy bitches. There are a few in my family. I actually had to smile and tell my sister-in-law “I’m not your husband. I don’t HAVE to listen to you”. It was so perfectly timed too.

Starting today, you WILL NOT do whatever she wants anymore.
When she barks orders, let it be funny to you.

Try it. Your ultimate decision to leave or not will be a while off, but this is an immediate fix you can start TODAY. Start flipping the script.

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Soldier-MedicParticipant 2566]

@keymaster is exactly correct.

Every time you comply with her wants after she yells/scolds you, you are rewarding her bad behavior. This needs to stop as it is unhealthy. It is unhealthy for you. You comply to placate her. In actuality, it is tacit approval for her behavior and you have trained yourself in to satisfying a person that behaves badly. This behavior could/may already be affecting you outside of your home life.

For you own mental well being, this needs to stop.

"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.

[MENGINEERParticipant 583]

When you keep the house clean you are secretly doing it so you won’t get yelled at by her. I stopped doing all the chores and instead just washed my clothes and cooked for myself. Told her to start carrying her own weight and stop acting like a spoiled brat.

Then I took pictures of how big of a slob she was. When I threatened to show other people how big of a slob she was, she started changing her tone..

I started recording our conversations since all of this equates to more arguing. In the end I left her and moved out and life has never been better. Record when she yells/abuses your child.

If you are thinking about getting out start the liquidation of your assets now. The longer yeou wait the more expensive the divorce will be. Do this all under stealth however.

[OldBillParticipant]

Bee wrote:

The second she touched your daughter your marriage was over. The second she started screaming expletives at you and your daughter your marriage was over. Consciously or not, she’s already preparing for your divorce. You need to start planning now.

Head over to Terrence Popp’s redonkulas.com site. He has few videos touching on this subject, including one that lays out step by step what you should do to get ready for the divorce papers she hoping to surprise you with. IANAL, but you should also immediately consult a lawyer who specializes in family law and/or divorce. You need to get ready not only to protect yourself but also your daughter

As the others have already suggested, you need to start recording her outbursts. You also need to begin documenting just who pays for what in your marriage.

Good luck. While the next couple of years are going to be hellish for you, you can be prepared for it.

Do not date. Do not impregnate. Do not co-habitate. Above all, do not marry. Reclaim and never again surrender your personal sovereignty.

[Biggvs_DickvsParticipant 3725]

Hey Bee,

The advice from all these guys is pretty good, but I suspect you only tolerate this kind of behaviour because of the consequences of resisting, no? Is it maybe that you sense she’s ready to divorce and take everything from you, and you’re afraid if you don’t comply with her demands/wishes she’ll leave and take your daughter, the house, all your money, etc?

Is it that you’re just going along so you can get laid occasionally and/or preserve some semblence of harmony in the family?

Is there something she’d holding over you? You don’t have to provide details – I’m honestly not trying to bust your b~~~~ here – just trying to get a feel for why you put up with it so far. I’ve seen a number of situation like these and even been in one or two myself, so it would help to know more about the why’s etc. fro your side.

Bottom line: try to document as much of this abuse as possible. And make no mistake, it is abuse. If you were to behave like you’re description of her behaviour, you’d be arrested if you lived in California or Washington state. Seriously.

Try to get it on video. If she’s really carrying on like that for ten minutes then get it on film and upload it somewhere it can’t be erased.

Document everything. Keep a secret journal and write down every incident, the time and date it happened, and some details; Was there physical contact/abuse? Verbal abuse? Profanity? Raised voice? Write all of that down. By itself it probably isn’t admissible in court, but if it involves your daughter, she’s old enough that they may ask her to corroborate it. I’m not a lawyer BTW, and don’t know where you live, but it’s always a good idea to document it.

I went through something similar with my parents growing up and believe me, if you keep your cool and be the one who is trying to keep your kid safe and happy she won’t ever forget it.

Next time something happens, particularly if it looks like it’s heading towards being physical, FILM IT. Then immediately make a copy of the film somewhere it can’t get “accidentally” erased or disappeared.

If you can get a couple videos or even just audio recordings of her behaviour, then it will be much harder for a court to dismiss your journal.

Listen to OldBill’s advice. If she’s gotten this bad you need to get out for your sake and your daughter’s. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Just be wise, cautious, and plan and execute your egress very carefully.

"Data, I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When I have some, I'll let you know." --Captain Picard,

[MemberParticipant 323]

Like some of the other guys said you can attempt the difficult task of reversing her behavior by changing your own. It will go against your instincts because in order to shut down some of her crummy behavior you will have to become as cold and ruthless as she is. It will mean many arguments and many confrontations and can take a long time to gain traction. Even if she reacts somewhat favorably to it over time she will NEVER get to the point where she won’t test you for weakness. So basically get yourself set for a long drawn out fight for dominance. However, at the same time develop a Plan B…..sock away money…..find ways to divert assets into things she cannot claim if divorce happens. Protect your daughter at all costs. Frankly, for most men you are better off digging in for the long haul and waiting until your girl goes off to college…..by that time you should have your divorce figured out and all the details squared away for a quick exit. Can’t imagine dealing with this for more years?…..well what people don’t tell you is that even if you divorce her you still have to deal with her regularly over kid stuff for a long time. If she is a bitch she will continue to torment and abuse you using the kid as bait. And to make things more fun you will pay her child support and possibly alimony while you live in an apartment somewhere not seeing your kid about 80% of the month. Think I am exaggerating? No I am not. Dig in soldier…….that is my advice if you can stomach it. The alternative of leaving may some better initially but once the kid is kept from you then it will seem like a horrendous decision. Remember everyone from the local police to the courthouse judge will be on her side in any and all matters pertaining to custody etc. You will learn very quickly what Second Class Citizen means. Bide your time and strike when the time is right……be patient.

[Truthseeker82Participant 6406]

The fact that many men are forced to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy domestics living situation because of custody and finances is a testament to how screwed up America’s family law system is. Rather than recognizing that it took a male and a female to create the child – men are just assumed expendable. Men must start to take ownership of their lives again. Just like different races continue to fight for equality, so must our gender. You will be of better benefit to your daughter as a strong, well adjusted father. I know legal matters are costly and the arduous process of facing some c~~~ and her attorney in court is about as appealing as eating out of a garbage can in Manhattan in mid July – in the end it may give you some freedom. In my area at least, there are some very respected father’s rights attorney’s. These bitches cannot always win – no matter what they think. Their t~~~ and pussies may have blinded us in the beginning, but in the eyes of the law they are just another person on the docket. I wish you well, brother. At the very least on this website, you are amongst friends.

[bachelor4goodParticipant 170]

There´s just one needful hint I can give you on that matter. You´ve got advice from many different angles by now. This is what a friend of mine once told me … If you decide to prepare for a breakup and get a lawyer, make sure it´s one who´s divorced.

IDGAF

[BeeParticipant 700]

Update ;

I’ve decided to bide my time. I’ve also decided to try gaming more…. and not let her bad behavior get to me because then she wins.

[OldBillParticipant]

Bee wrote:

I’ve decided to bide my time. I’ve also decided to try gaming more…. and not let her bad behavior get to me because then she wins.

Considering your daughter’s age, not divorcing now is most likely the wisest choice. Because you’re a good man you’ve decided to sacrifice yourself for your child, something most women today would never actually do. Women will make all sorts of mouth noises about how their children are “everything” while their actions prove the complete opposite.

As much as I applaud your choice in this matter, I do hope you do more than just bide your time. You need to use this time to plan and lay the groundwork for the divorce that is most certainly in your future. Mark my words, whether consciously or subconsciously you wife is readying herself for the divorce she’s hoping to surprise you with.

Rather than retreat into video gaming, you need to become even more involved in your daughter’s life. You need to begin documenting your wife’s horrific behavior towards not only but also your child. You need to begin building a hidden “rainy day’ fund for the time when your wife and the government try to rape you financially. You need to begin burnishing your reputation as a caring and loving husband and father. Suggesting that you and your wife attend couples therapy – something she is bound to oppose – is one such action that will put you in the best possible light. While the system is rigged against you as a man, you can still take measures to lessen the bias somewhat.

Hard times are in your future so now is the time to prepare.

Good luck. We’re all pulling for you.

Do not date. Do not impregnate. Do not co-habitate. Above all, do not marry. Reclaim and never again surrender your personal sovereignty.

[Author]

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