Sometimes the psyche is just plain weird…

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

I haven’t had much time to bash away at my MGTOW keyboard lately….a move, new job pending, etc.  Well, very early this morning I finish up my last night on the graveyard shift at the Death Star.  I have been waiting to savor this moment as I am absolutely sick of working nights for the Dark Side of Buttholes.  I start a new, better paying job with a normal schedule next week.  I should be jumping for joy right?  Not….exactly….

First, I realize I have actually made some pretty decent friends at my now former job.  These are guys that have been in the trenches with me in this hell hole called “work”.  This group of guys went out and got me a cake and we hung out and shared it while shooting the b.s.  I have to say I was really touched at the fact that these guys thought enough of me to make such a kind gesture.  I feel really weird about it.  First, I guess it has been a very long time…perhaps even a lifetime that anyone reached out and treated me with that brand of kindness.  I was really blown away by their gesture and felt kind of sad as I said my goodbyes to everyone.  I have been dying to get out of this job and now that I am finally able to walk out for the last time I am truly sad about it.  Then….

I am driving home about 4am.  It’s a cool wet Saturday morning.  I have the windows on my car cracked enjoying the cool damp morning air.  I have B.B. King on the radio.  I’m in no rush.  There’s no traffic.  I’m just taking my time cruising, listening to B.B. and reflecting…then…my mind starts drifting as I am looking around this familiar city from which I am about to move thinking, “This is probably the last time I’m going to drive this route that I’ve driven hundreds of times.”  Then the thoughts and vivid mental images of “her”…”the one” start flooding my mind.  I start thinking about how perfect things seemed in the beginning and how good it made me feel.  Then I realize that’s gone and I will never reclaim that feeling again.  Maybe “she” was a lie but damn it felt good for a while when it seemed real.  I realize that I cannot afford to let my guard down like that for anyone ever again.  It’s self-preservation.  She left a huge indelible scar on my heart, mind, and soul.  It was a heavy toll to pay for a fleeting moment of fantasy.  The truth is ugly but in the truth we can survive.  As Stevie said, “The Wall of Denial must tumble down…”  Indeed, the wall fell and left me exposed, wounded, and naked.  One step forward, ten steps back.  It sucks…but I am trying to survive.  I have to survive.   “How?” is the question.

Yes, the psyche is a cruel trickster sometimes….thanks for indulging my ramblings.  I had to get this out.

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

[Puffin StuffParticipant 24979]

Thanks for sharing. I think the personal stories are most touching on this site.

You never get over this sort of pain. It dulls but it is always there. It is a reminder not to put yourself in a position of getting hurt like that again because it’s as bad for your health as placing your hand on a stove.

When we were 2 we learned to stay away from the stove, not by being told by our mothers, by 2 most kids know their parents are liars.

No, we learn not to touch the stove by touching the stove, being burned and the pain is so severe that we never do it again.

My point is that the pain of being treated like s~~~ in a relationship, which accounts for 90% of relationships in the west, doesn’t go away like a burnt finger. It lingers on and may never go away.

It has to be figured in to the cost of a relationship when you are considering, against your brothers advice, to get into one.

#icethemout; Remember Thomas Ball. He died for your children.

[experiencedParticipant]

Best wishes in your new locale. Sometimes it helps to think of the boy(s) and be cautious for him(them). Seems like bitches come outta nowhere.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

The heart wants what the heart wants. Even though our brain out votes (now) our hearts …… the heart still wants it ….. or the ellusion of it.

It’s a real kicker because it comes from the blue, when watching tv, playing with kids, ordering a burger ….. on the drive home. It waits for when our guard is down.

But ….. just remember how you ended up driving you car home this morning. Why you’re moving. How it all ended.

Reach down and peel the lid off of that ‘if only’ feeling and smell the real s~~~ that happened.

We are men and we CAN love. Because it ends, doesn’t mean the love goes away …… we just do.

Be strong and walk your path. It will pass my friend.

[narwhalParticipant]

Perhaps I’m lucky, but I don’t really get those remorseful feelings for my ex.  For the most part, I don’t have flashbacks of the good times with my ex.  As well, I don’t see my ex as the same woman that I was married to.  She has similarities,  but in my head, the wife I had is as good as dead.   That’s not to say that I don’t get physically attracted to my ex at times, but that’s all it is.

I do still desire to be in a loving relationship, but not with her.  I don’t have a face for the woman I’m with in those dreams.  It bothers me tremendously that I can’t trust this faceless woman, even though I know nothing about her yet and she has done nothing to lose my trust.  I often wonder if, even though the high risks are true, if giving up on a trusting relationship is missing out on life.  As if I should considering taking a chance despite the risk.  It doesn’t really matter though, as I haven’t meet anyone since my divorce where the risk was possibly worth the reward.

 

Ok. Then do it.

[33wolfmanParticipant 216]

Its funny how most times the people we think are there for us ultimately let us down and a those who were a total stranger one day can show us complete kindness. For being the most evolved species on this planet (at times debatable), humans also show the greatest capability to do the greatest damage to each other and everything around us.

[RoyDalParticipant]

On this Memorial Day weekend, I am thinking about absent friends too. In my case, none of them are female.

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[treelville..miamiParticipant 893]

Yea, I know the feeling theres always that pain buried beneath it all, that will always hurt,the damage is nonstop. I always take a deep breath and say to myself f~~~ em, to hell with them all.

"The wounds of honor are self inflicted"

[Great-OzParticipant 226]

There are times when it seems to me that I don’t understand the inner workings of my mind and heart as well as I would like to. It always seems that right before I make some huge change to my lifestyle there’s a piece of me that fights it and refuses to accept the good that will come from said change. I know that in many times once I’m a few more miles down the highway I feel better about the decision and the fear and thoughts that plagued me at the beginning seem to fall into nothing more than background noise.

Thankfully, in my life most of my friends that were worth their salt are still my friends. I’ve been extraordinarily lucky in that regard. I’ve been allowed to keep my friendships for many years some of them now being counted in decades. It is a rather large blessing if you ask me. I wish you luck in this new adventure of yours and hope that your worries too slide into background noise.

"Life is the future, not the past." Wizard's 7th rule, Terry Goodkind

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

Thanks to everybody here in this thread for expressing their thoughts and perspectives about this topic.  That’s what makes this place so unique in my humble opinion.  I think most of us have shared a common paradigm that was very galvanizing to our inner man.  I wouldn’t call it a “brotherhood of the broken” because we are MEN.  We are Spartans.  We have battle scars.  We’ve seen the carnage of a savage inner battle first-hand.  We are hardened on the outside to protect what is inside.  It’s a difficult way to live one’s life but it is what it is.  It’s survival.  Behind every smile, every laugh, there is also a tear.  It’s the dichotomy of joy mixed with pain….joy because we look upward and onward to new horizons….painful because we realize that certain someone won’t be making that journey by our side.  At least that’s the way I feel.  I would venture to guess many more here feel the same way even if they do not admit it or ever recognize it.  We all possess a precious soul that is just as easily wounded as anyone else.  The plumbing we are born with is irrelevant in that context.  However, the society and world at large ignores this fact.  But I digress…

I know I have been a somewhat “hardcore” MGTOW presence on this site since I joined.  I like to share insights.  I like to make people smile and laugh.  But on the inside I am a bit of a clown with tears behind the makeup.  I have let bitterness and anger get the best of me these past few years.  I’m f~~~ing injured in a way I’ve never experienced in my life.  I am making an honest effort for healing by doing my best to be a kinder, gentler man.  God has led me to the conclusion that I need to work on patience and understanding, both with myself and others.  That’s probably why I’ve spent the past 2 1/2 years working in isolation in the middle of the night;  I needed to be alone with my pain so I could receive divine revelation about my situation.  This is not to say I will be a doormat for anyone.  There is a BIG difference between meekness and weakness.  Unfortunately, the world at large often mistakes a man’s meekness for weakness.  This is a critical error on the behalf of others.  However, as a man learning to be meek, I do have a choice in how I react to the malicious intent of others.  I can’t own the feelings or intents of others.  I can only control how I react or do not react.

In conclusion, I think most any human being with a soul feels the compulsion to love and be loved.  It’s in our nature.  Otherwise, how would we wind up here at the MGTOW emergency room seeking critical care and advice to be better human beings moving forward.  I think of this site in the context of Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  I hope I can/have sharpened others here by being open and offering advice.  I know I have been sharpened by others here.  That’s what make this place unique and special in my humble opinion.

 

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

[bigboy83Participant 11312]

Soul man: a lot of interesting characters, personality, opinions, and topics we discuss here, my fellow member, we here to provide a new beginning, not a means to a end. We are a United Brotherhood!

-cheers

 

Shit Tested, Cunt Approved.

[DurdenParticipant 1051]

I’m not a neurologist or psychiatrist but it is very possible that that you having a good time with buddies was associated with the good feelings that you once had of “the one.” Especially since such friendships may end as did the illusion of “the one.” The thought of someone finally loving us unconditionally in this harsh world has a very calming effect. It is the most bitter part of the red pill to swallow by far. Letting go of what you once believed in is never easy. That’s why the majority of people never do.

Strong men throughout history have had to hold the burden of the emotions of others as well as their own. Both men and women. Women used to understand this and accept it. Respecting that we did and being an ally. Unfortunately they do not anymore. In many ways because of thousands of years of doing so and childhood teaching we still carry the emotions of the one we will never have.

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything

[experiencedParticipant]

“Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers.” Pvbs.

"It seems like there's times a body gets struck down so low, there ain't a power on earth that can ever bring him up again. Seems like something inside dies so he don't even want to get up again. But he does."

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

Durden wrote:

I’m not a neurologist or psychiatrist but it is very possible that that you having a good time with buddies was associated with the good feelings that you once had of “the one.” Especially since such friendships may end as did the illusion of “the one.” The thought of someone finally loving us unconditionally in this harsh world has a very calming effect. It is the most bitter part of the red pill to swallow by far. Letting go of what you once believed in is never easy. That’s why the majority of people never do. Strong men throughout history have had to hold the burden of the emotions of others as well as their own. Both men and women. Women used to understand this and accept it. Respecting that we did and being an ally. Unfortunately they do not anymore. In many ways because of thousands of years of doing so and childhood teaching we still carry the emotions of the one we will never have.

I totally agree with you.  I think a large element of what society scoffs at as “mid-life crisis” is in reality a point in life when a lot of men finally pull back the curtain and see what is really outside of their window.  The Matrix analogy is so contextually appropriate in drawing the parallels of having your entire paradigm shattered.  It has some pretty unpredictable effects on one’s own psychological condition.  It is an opportunity to open the door inward and self-examine.  Sometimes we find things that frighten us.  Sometimes we find things we thought we threw out long ago. But somehow it crept back in to a dark corner of the psychological closet only to jump out and startle us at the most inappropriate time.  Looking inward is also a good place to find inner strength and inner peace.  Sometimes you are navigating a spiritual and psychological mine field to reach that goal though.

Great insight though Durden….I hadn’t really thought of last night in that context but I think there is a lot of validity in what you said.  That’s what I love about this place.  Different perspectives can offer insights that one may have not explored.  Cheers mate!

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

[harpo-my-“SON”Participant 2410]

I think a large element of what society scoffs at as “mid-life crisis” is in reality a point in life when a lot of men finally pull back the curtain and see what is really outside of their window.

As liberating as taking the red pill is I often see dread and a burden in the eyes of men who know the truth..it is a mid life awakening ..They are aware that nothing can be done to change the fact that they have been trapped men for a good many years…Trapped, and deceived..

I was bound to be misunderstood, and I laugh at those who misunderstand me. Kind mockery at the well intentioned, but unfettered cruelty towards those would be prison guards of my creative possibilities. This so as to learn as much from misunderstanding as from understanding. Taking pleasure in worthy opponents and making language fluid and flowing like a river yet pointed and precise as a dagger. Contradicts the socialistic purpose of language and makes for a wonderful linguistic dance, A verbal martial art with constant parries that hone the weapon that is the two edged sword of my mouth.

[AFTParticipant 2726]

It is our curse to see reality, ignorance truly is bliss, I am constantly trying to figure out how to exploit my awareness. Unfortunately, any contact with the feminine requires total corruption of my character, no honor, trust nor fairness may be displayed. I am forced to choose between being the honorable man I want to be and remaining isolated, or playing the feminine game of corruption and deceit for companionship, and paying the price of self loathing for pretending to be the asshole.
How long can I pretend to be the asshole, without it taking effect on me? Is just becoming the asshole a simple decision to make? Is there a middle ground? I would rather be myself than have to submit to all the pretense just to qualify for temporary companionship. Is it worth it? What’s so wrong with life as it is now? Better to lament the problem of not having a unicorn, than the problem of finding out your NAWALT is a fake.

When the war cemeteries are half full of the corpses of dead conscripted women, only then will women have earned the right to speak of equality. Sidecar “A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.” - Bob Dylan

[Soul ManParticipant 1856]

AFT wrote:

It is our curse to see reality, ignorance truly is bliss, I am constantly trying to figure out how to exploit my awareness. Unfortunately, any contact with the feminine requires total corruption of my character, no honor, trust nor fairness may be displayed. I am forced to choose between being the honorable man I want to be and remaining isolated, or playing the feminine game of corruption and deceit for companionship, and paying the price of self loathing for pretending to be the asshole. How long can I pretend to be the asshole, without it taking effect on me? Is just becoming the asshole a simple decision to make? Is there a middle ground? I would rather be myself than have to submit to all the pretense just to qualify for temporary companionship. Is it worth it? What’s so wrong with life as it is now? Better to lament the problem of not having a unicorn, than the problem of finding out your NAWALT is a fake.

I couldn’t agree more with your statements AFT.

I honestly believe that this dysfunction between the genders is simply a symptom of a greater flaw in the species Homo sapien.  We may be technologically advanced relative to our ancestors but our species definitely lacks the collective wisdom to raise the collective conscience and build a better world.  As a species we are still too much of a slave to resources and our own egos.  My prognosis is the human species is doomed to failure unless our spiritual I.Q. makes a quantum leap forward in relatively short order.   Is that possible?  I honestly don’t know.  I think it could only be possible by some massive shock to the global civilization that awakens humans to the fact that it’s time for humanity to rise above the petty differences and realize we are all in this together whether we like it or not.  Maybe this is just “pie in the sky” thinking but I am honestly puzzled by my own species.  We are capable of creating such wonderful and beautiful things but at the same time we are so destructive to ourselves and others.  It’s a sad state of affairs.  It’s truly heart breaking.  I love the world but it scares the hell out of me at the same time.  Maybe I’m just a statistical outlier in my worldview?  I’ve always had this strange feeling of being alone and apart from this world ever since I was a child.  Maybe I’m just an old soul who is baffled at the lack of spiritual progress our species has made?  Maybe I’m a new soul that is shocked at being dropped in the middle of such chaos and contempt?  Maybe I’m a space alien sent to observe a primitive species?  No….I haven’t lost my mind or grip on reality.  However, I do question what exactly reality may truly be.  I’ve only been on this planet for 47 years and from what I’ve already seen I guess anything is possible so I rule nothing out.

YMMV…

HISTORY...learn from it, memorize it, DON'T repeat it...

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