Post Divorce – MGTOW

[olderwiserParticipant 65]

Long read but would love your feedback guys. I am recently divorced from a possibly undiagnosed BPD. Glad to be out of it. We were married for 5 years and known each other for 6. I am from another country and met her while studying. She’s British. I never considered myself a blue pill man but had huge people pleasing / rescuing tendencies based on the environment / Country I grew up in (South-East Asia). We met and became friends, she was very charming and seductive and given this was my first ever long term relationship (I was not a virgin but had very little experience), I was head over heals in love with her. She has a child from another man, who was abusive and she was living alone and seperated from her ex-partner of 7 years (abusive relationship, she would go off the handle and he would end up hitting her, typical bpd/npd, constant s~~~ testing, nothing is good enough behaviour.)

None of these things seem red-flags to me, like I said I came from a very different background saw this as strength, based on the stories she told me of her abuse in the childhood, from ex-partner etc. What a White-Knight I was, but given I had never seen this before in my life, all of what happened to her felt very unfair, I was young and stupid (23). She wasn’t doing well but it seemed that she needed someone to pick her up (I guess thats where my beta ass came in for the rescue). We became good friends and started seeing each other, I became very close to my step-son. We dated for about a year, with a lot of volatility in her mood which I thought of as she is just hot-tempered, huge issues with her dysfunctional family, her mum was married three times and always blamed men for breakdown of the marriage and I was told I never want to be like my mum.

She was still entangled with her ex who was on the scene because of the kid, and would cause trouble to which she would engage and try to triangulate me with her ex, which happened couple of times but I spoke to him like man to man, we were able to sort things out reasonably ok (not always). We decided to get married, the decision came from her, I looked at it as a good thing to be able to stay in the country. Drama started as soon as I started dating her but it never deterred me from doing the right thing and standing up for myself. We started running a business together and it worked really well into the first year of our marriage before another emotionally induced decision started its downfall (getting dysfunctional family involved despite my warnings to her and my lack of assertiveness). Fast forward into two years of marriage, tons of drama, family s~~~ and problems, I am constantly getting involved and being the man of the house starting to feel responsible for fixing the drama caused by her. Another year goes by, I for the first time getting into proper job market after doing internships. First job arrives and I am extremely happy, I am self taught and in IT and things are starting to look good. While the drama continues, I am starting to become addicted to it, started to lose my identity.

While continuing with my work I am constantly supporting her to do what she always wanted to do. She went to an actual acting school and worked in theatre with some good people but stopped doing it when got involved with her ex. I support her, make sure she has her s~~~ together and she starts going to auditions, rejections, disappointments and other problems but she started to get some work eventually. Drama continues. Third year into marriage things are looking better, more harmony, we both are making good money, she teaches in between her acting jobs, almost middle class lifestyle, but one problem, she doesn’t seem happy. A slight issue can send her flying and creating drama where there isn’t any. I am confused especially the house I grew up in was completely almost drama free, always saw my parent resolve conflicts amicably. She is triangulating my step-son, her ex, her mum, her bother and everyone else between me and her and people seem to understand what is going on and talk to me and I am making excuses for her.

One thing out of all, she is very flirty but I have no problem with that as I have the same thing. I get constant remarks and my facebook is constantly filled with female colleagues, friends etc liking my statuses. She knows I have options. Fourth year, things are calmer than usual, she starts collaborating with a musician but then tells me she likes him, I am never jealous kind so I say good for you. She sees him couple of times and says she wanted to kiss him but he wasn’t interested. I say too bad. Don’t make anything of it (I know, I know major red flag).

Fifth year into marriage, drama continues but not as much, but I feel isolated, I don’t have any friends outside, I don’t have a family here and my entire support system is broken and my free time is spent with her trying to fulfill her needs. I am not a husband anymore, I am a caregiver. We still bang though, infact we bang regularly and extremely well. I don’t come until she has had few orgasms and is shaking and by now I have learned how to squirt her, sheets filled and soaked. She looks blushed and weak in the knees most of the times after sex, although I don’t find any intimacy. I don’t feel closeness, deep down I resent her, I do not feel myself because I am walking on eggshells. But I am unaware of it all as I have changed considerably. Although I am flirting outside and find that other women are sweeter to me and crave their company and ended up becoming very close to couple of them, never slept with them maybe kissed and held them close (No excuse but I am running instead of sorting out the s~~~ that is my marriage).Every other morning she starts a fight before I leave for work and it drains me before I get to work. My work is starting to suffer and the company I worked for was not what I should have been working for but never thought of leaving as being conditioned growing up in SE-Asia, I am the man of the house so who will take care of the bills etc, while she earns her money and spends it, not save it, spends it.

I am starting to change, I am not happy, I am grumpy, I don’t hold her. She doesn’t have any friends, neither do I. We are entangled, enmeshed and co-dependent. I am sleep deprived at times but the sex continues, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night from my dick being sucked and some nights I wake her up and we have sex. But again no, intimacy. Things get pushed under the carpet. When we do talk, we are able to sort some things out but she forgets about it all and starts again. I am sure she has some complaints about me and I have tons of s~~~ I don’t like about her but when we are apart for few hours we miss each other and make up all the time and cycle start again.

Last year, she had an invite to go abroad, she has been abroad to see one of her old friend she once had a sexual thing with in the past while working with her, I like the girl, she’s kinda messed up herself so they gel together well. She has not so great time out there with her and came back and said she missed me a lot. But last year, my job became really stressful and I decided to go self-employed and got enough clients on the side working in the evenings sometimes to replace my current job. So I tell her and say I am going to go full-time self-employed to which she sn~~~~~s at and says ok. At this point the wife doesn’t respect me at all, but instead vacillates between hating me and cherishing me (very few occasions) but mostly despising me. By now I am a complete beta, doing everything she wants me to do at home, walking on eggshells and not standing up for myself. Now time for her to visit abroad where she wants to start a project with an orphanage, she shows me few pictures of the orphanage and points to a guy she thinks is good looking. I smile again and say go for it jokingly. I am now not working full time so slightly nervous about the future, she asks me to come with her knowing that I don’t have enough money to cover the bills. Anyways she goes and for first 3 days she really misses me and calls me everyday telling me that its amazing and feels overwhelmed because she’d never been to Asia in her life.

Fourth day, she meets a guy who is a tour guide, she spends some time with him, he gives her some attention and runs some kind of game. Remember at this point I still think of soul-mate and beta style of thinking, still people pleasing tendencies but parts of my being are very strong with regards to self-preservation. Long story short, she slept with him and told me next morning. This is where I guess I panicked, never been in a position like that my entire life, It hit me like a ton of hot bricks. Despite naturally ignoring her flirtatious behaviour when she told me about this, it stung, very bad, almost like spear through my heart. She feels bad but cannot seem to stop seeing the guy, another day she spends with him, says she made a mistake, 6th day she says to me, I don’t know, something has happened and I cannot control it. I ask her to cut short her trip and come straight back, she doesn’t want to and says you cannot control me. I freak out and become complete beta and start chasing. This has the opposite effect and she tries to triangulate me with the guy and says speak to him, he’s a nice guy.

I cry that night, extremely painful night, drank half a bottle of vodka in a matter of 5 minutes and pass out. I wake up feeling numb but my emotional boundaries were crossed, still felt extreme pain, anguish and hurt. I call her and tell her that I had a fling while she was hoping something with the musician, she freaks out and thats when things start to go downhill. I am unemployed, cannot focus on any client work I get and devastated.

She comes back from the trip next week, its her birthday. Now I am vacillating between unconscious self-preservative behaviour and beta behaviour I am buying flowers and then getting angry at her for causing trouble. She asks me to move out, knowing full well I don’t have a full-time job. That was it. I did something in me. That night despite the pain, I changed, something inside me flipped. I smashed the rest of the bottle of vodka and signed up for gym. I applied for a job and got a new job within a week and moved out next month.

She freaked out and tried to reach out to me. I was in so much emotional pain that I could deal with it. I spent the days at work trying to wait for the day to finish and nights to understand the disaster that is my life. No money in the bank account but the only thing that is keeping me going is my career and my passion with technology. I immerse myself into the job, I start reading, I realised the train wreck my marriage was from day 1 and didn’t realise it. I faced some of my own daemons from childhood, my people pleasing tendencies, my ability to not love myself before I love others and my passive aggressive and walking on eggshells behaviour. She tried to contact me, I refused, didn’t say anything but refused, wished her well and told her that if she wants the divorce, start the proceedings, I don’t have time neither money to start the proceedings.

I start understanding things, study psychology, book upon book upon book, human psychology, female psychology, pick up, power of presence, David Deida, Eckhart Tolle and The Game (I know). I feel like Neo, the more I read, the more I become disgusted with myself and the entire illusion I had been living. Parts of me still want to get back together with her since she was my first love but the logic and reason doesn’t let me even think about it. I read stories upon stories on divorce, cheating, deception, lies, manipulation and stealing babies. I read about men and women ruining each others lives and people leaving long term marriages after in just a matter of weeks. Then I discover MGTOW and everything falls into pieces, feminism, patriarchy and consumerism all sit next to each other the role they play in peoples lives in the WEST and how gynocentric societies are ruining generations.

I am just divorced, luckily there wasn’t any assets / money involved so its all finalised. Better yet there weren’t any children involved. I sit here now writing this, a year after what has happened and at times miss the old married life but know that the illusion is just very strong without any benefits but deep down I know that I have dodged a major bullet. Divorced before thirty. I have banged several girls since then, have had short-term relationships and literally walked out on first bit of drama I see from them. Have got a better job in Advertising, taking care of my body, regular socialising and working on 2 startups. Older! Wiser!

Life consists of two days, one for you one against you. So when it's for you don't be proud or reckless, and when it's against you be patient, for both days are test for you.

[FermatParticipant 3478]

Yo dude you are a freaking boss. I am only 22 so my words may not be as eloquent as the older gentleman on this site and may not carry the same weight as their advice but the level of research and soul searching you did is a testament to just how powerful mgtow is. It’s not just another move to or some cult. Its not another fad. It’s takes massive determination and self discovery to harness that potential. It’s a lifestyle and awakening and you are in it and you are going to win it. I’m Nigerian and know for a fact that marriage in many non western cultures like West African culture is very important because a lot emphasis is placed on taking care of your parents and making them grandkids. I imagine this is prevalent in Asian cultures as well. However gynocentric indoctrination has ruined the family dynamic and I no longer subscribe to that aspect of my culture though I respect my culture very much. Congratulations to realizing the game of life is rigged via marriage control contracts and I look forward to hearing more of your life experiences and insights. Welcome to the crew.

I have discovered a truly remarkable list of reasons why women are not necessary for a happy life, but alas this margin is too small to contain it.

[ILiveAgainParticipant]

If I was your friend back then … I would have taken for a drink and told you to

“Control your f~~~ing wife and marriage”

You were all sorts of pussy, mangina & white knight …. f~~~ me man …. you ‘were’ so messed up ☺

However, that massive screw up has given you the realisation and strength to forge forward with your new found freedom.

You have done exactly the right thing, educated yourself. You now have the power other men envy.

The price you’ve paid was incredibly high but that is what makes where you are now, very sweet and hard earned.

Keep taking the pills …. buckets of them.

Stay here and become one of the brothers. We need you & your knowledge … experience.

There are others that will need your help.

Welcome

[Anonymous 1]

Thank you for posting.

Welcome, and I hope you enjoy the forums…

[RoyDalParticipant]

Welcome aboard. Like the proverb says, this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[Robert HallamParticipant 696]

Older & Wiser:

Wow! What a journey.   You suffered probably triple my burden in the same amount of time.  But you have arrived and its great to have you as one of us.

What struck me most is your closing paragraph.  “Walked out at the first sign of drama”.  That’s a clear demonstration that you have achieved complete control.  Absolutely the perfect attitude.  Have all the women you want.  Let them think you are playing their game, but underneath always remaining in full control.  Never getting hung up on relationships and always fully capable of pulling the plug at any point without regrets.  I love being in that position.  I became a Player (which sounds much like what you have become), and the women always, and I mean always, felt that there was some long term payoff.  They figured if they put out, and I was a Beta they would be able to control the situation.  But as soon as I felt I was being pushed (either started to talk about moving in together or making some sort of commitment to a long term relationship), I just dug in my heals or up and said good bye without any notice.  I would have no hurt feelings, regrets, or remorse.  Women are a dime a dozen and they all have a pussy.  I’d have a short break and get right back at it.  It’s my sport.

[FullMetalExoParticipant 2383]

This was so good to read, thank you for this. Motivating. Wonderful ending to a horror story, and life ahead. You are lucky and well now, I must say and you worked for it. Worked on yourself.

You dodged a life killing, soul crushing bomb.

Never forget it.

I talk from experience: my friend is 1+ year in marriage and he is a lifeless husk sometimes.

 

Will repost in to my own thread, to gather more general advises for my specific situation.

-----------

[olderwiserParticipant 65]

Thank you guys. I really appreciate your comments. Although I am moving soon from the area and leaving memories behind. I have bumped into her in the last few months at a cafe that is owned by common friends of ours and is my local (I try to avoid it mostly but do pop in to say hello to my friend) and every time I’ve seen her it seems that she goes into some kind of funk and act weirdly, she is good at hiding it from other people but I know her inside out.

I mostly ignore it but the only worry I have is that the lies and smear campaign(s) she might spin to some of the friends, although they know what she did and tell me what she says(mostly her version of events, self-victimisation for attention, lying by omission), I believe if someone tells them their version of the story people will believe and start to think of her ask victim, it doesn’t effect me and I won’t mind if I lose some of those people forever but it does sometimes makes me feel frustrated that people would rather listen and believe her than contact me, but I guess what people think is out of my control, that’s something I have stopped worrying about a while ago. People will think you are what you are based on what they want to believe at that point in time. Its rare they will want to know the fact unless they value the person.

Nevertheless I have realised that I have been able to live on such a small amount of money, extremely organised and well paid. My only worry is now that any women I meet will think of me as a meal ticket and I need to somehow not give them provider vibes, I mean I like to dress well and have complete control of myself even talking to an absolutely gorgeous broad but do feel that few of them realise very quickly that I am not going to buy them drinks, I even said to one of them, I don’t do s~~~ for anyone until they earn my trust and she said to me, didn’t know you were that badass.

Although I have a lot to learn and this site has given me so much to understand and look forward to in terms of GMOW.

 

Life consists of two days, one for you one against you. So when it's for you don't be proud or reckless, and when it's against you be patient, for both days are test for you.

[S3attl382Participant 0]

Listen bro, your marriage is over. It hurts, it sucks, but don’t give your energy to something dead that will not bear good fruit. I’m also recently divorced and my ex-wife had the princess complex. My marriage was stressful BC of her demands and I’m glad its over. She can go back to sleeping around and watching Project runway and going to happy hour so guys can buy her drinks. All I can say is just evaluate your life. Women don’t bring anything to the table but strife. Focus on making the world a better place for everyone (including women). If everything you do is only for self gratification, congratulations, you’re a woman. Also, remember MGTOW is about being aware of what’s going on but using it constructively. Anger, bitterness, hate, don’t breed anything positive. Look ahead and apply what you’ve learned from the past. Goodluck bro!!!

[Author]

Posts