Narcissists and the fire triangle

[TaxGuyParticipant]

Been thinking about posting this for a day or two. As background, I was married to a narcissist and before I was a TaxGuy I was a fire fighter (forest fires, during my college summers).

As a firefighter they teach you about the fire triangle. It takes three things to make fire: heat, fuel, and oxygen. Take any one away and a fire can’t burn. For a forest fire, you dig a fire containment line to take away fuel, you use water to take away heat and oxygen, you backburn to take away fuel. You get the point.

I view a relationship with a narc as a fire. They are burning you up in order for them to feel warm. So, to use the analogy:

Heat: The narc is the heat. They are just a walking heat source looking for something to burn. For some reason that makes them feel good about themselves.

Fuel: The fuel is anything you’ve ever said to a narc. ANYTHING you say to a narc will be used as a future source of fuel for a fire. The problem is that you probably don’t know they are a narc at first because they hide it well, but trust me, ANYTHING you say to a narc is a future fuel for the fire.

So, after you’ve been in a relationship with a narc for a period of time, the fuel and the heat are ready. All they need now is a little oxygen to burn you to the ground………

Oxygen: The oxygen that will light the fire is the energy you put into a fight. Once they attempt to light the fire, the size and duration of the fire will be determined by the amount of energy you spend fighting it. Your only course of action is withdrawal, to take away the oxygen. The fuel has already been provided and the heat is a constant that you have no control over.

If you must have a relationship with a narc, like you are divorced and have kids with them, you can control the fuel and oxygen in the same way: tell them as little as possible, stay away from the heat, and just stick to the kids. Don’t discuss your personal life or theirs. If they bring it up, just get back on point with the kids.

I have found this to be very successful over the last couple of years with my ex: I withhold fuel and oxygen. Eventually they WILL look elsewhere for an easier source of fuel and oxygen. Because the heat needs the fire to be satisfied.

I hope this little analogy helps anyone out there that is stuck dealing with a narc.

Order the good wine

[WarratahParticipant 895]

I’m in the same situation as you are, TaxGuy.
Also withholding oxygen although I find that she creates the fuel – imaginary or not!
The last few years together I did my damnedest to withhold oxygen from her fire. To increase oxygen flow she threatened to leave and take my children. I let her.
Almost four years apart and she’s still trying to get oxygen from me. I can only hope that she starts looking elsewhere … and soon, it’s getting tiresome.

...And in our own despair, against our will, Comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. - Agamemnon; by Aeschylus

[TaxGuyParticipant]

So, here’s a nice current example. I’m having a back and forth with the ex through email about some plans (me being gone for a couple of days). She ends it with telling me she may have to take one of the girls to the doctor for a “girl issue”. Then ends the email with “Ugh! Single parenting!”

This is a blatant attempt to get me to respond with an angry email about her not being a single parent, and that I’m there for them, blah, blah…….. Heat and fuel gentlemen, heat and fuel.

My response? Nothing. No email back, no acknowledgment. No oxygen.

Sorry honey, you’ll have to look for an alternative fuel source.

Order the good wine

[Silverstone the SecondParticipant]

Great analogy, man. Very insightful.

Feminism is a movement where opinions are presented as facts and emotions are presented as evidence.

[Knights Templar RisingParticipant 5106]

Oxygen = Energey

You’re Fire Triangle analogy is perfect. It’s always good to try to view things in a physical form, each guy can use analogies that help him visualize the situation. Visualtion is a very good way to practice these psychological self defense tactics. Like anything else, practice is necessary. I will give The Sow no more oxygen, just f~~~ing walk away smiling…

Sovereignty above all else.

[53ClicksUpParticipant 1345]

Oh brother have I been there!!!!! My last wife turned out to have a NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) of the highest magnitude. Guys for the love of God educate yourself about NPD, because it is rampant in Western women these days thanks to social media. Get on-line, Google and read at least 3 separate articles on the subject. Only then will you start to get the real picture of what lengths a NARC will go to in order to dupe, deceive, manipulate, control, devalue and finally discard you.

My ex also checked off 18 of 20 items in a psychologist quiz I found on-line as to what traits a psychopath exhibits. Unless you have experienced either of these mental disorders first hand you simply cannot fathom the psychological damage that these c~~~s will attempt to subject you to.

I was lucky in that I could tell all along that there was something “off” i.e. not quite right about her. So I never exposed my finances or property to her clutches. The only defense is to know the warning signs up front before they sucker you in. NARCS are usually very good looking, sexually promiscuous, and can lie their asses off with a perfectly straight face. No normal person with any conscience at all can pull this off. However, it’s easy for the NARC because they are insane. They supposedly suffer from low self-esteem and thus get the sense of fulfillment by sucking the life out from another person which psychs refer to as “the source”. We were only married for 1 year and I broke it off.

Now a NARC doesn’t like to lose control over their source and will expend a lot of energy doing all kinds of crazy s~~~ to try and sucker you back into their web of deceit and control. The only way you can escape is to go full-on commando “NO CONTACT” (NC). When I told her to pack her s~~~ and get the f~~~ out of my house, I actually left a week earlier before she moved out because she had threatened me with a handgun.

That was 3 years ago with no attempts at communication on my part and she still tries to initiate contact with me via email and tries to find out what I’m up to through mutual acquaintances. I never did do Facebook and I never open her emails, I simply delete them. Additionally I have cut off all associations with people who I know to be part of her “intelligence gathering network”.

There were these supposed “Emergencies” where these intermediaries told me “You must contact your ex-wife right away!” Well you know what….The f~~~ I do! I never have and never will again have anything to do with that crazy bitch. I don’t care if she gets run over by a dump truck.

By the way…Nothing either in or out of the workplace constitutes an emergency unless one of the following three criteria exist:
1. Somebody is going to get killed, unless you take action.
2. Somebody is going to suffer grievous bodily injury, unless you take action, …and lastly
3. It’s going to cost you…personally, a s~~~ load of money if you fail to act.

These are the only 3 circumstances that are genuine emergencies. All other situations are actually somebody else’s problem…. that they want you to fix for them. Tell them to f~~~ off!

[Knights Templar RisingParticipant 5106]

Most women are a NARC. It is just a matter of how high the degree of crazy is. The potential is always there, it is just a matter of their core morality.

Sovereignty above all else.

[KaidoParticipant 2395]

They are such sneaky creatures. They will try to find a way without you knowing. Don’t get to close. There is a reason why they say you play with fire you will get burned.

What people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle. Rise above. Focus on science.

[alchemistParticipant 484]

TaxGuy wrote:

This is a blatant attempt to get me to respond with an angry email about her not being a single parent, and that I’m there for them, blah, blah…….. Heat and fuel gentlemen, heat and fuel.

My response? Nothing. No email back, no acknowledgment. No oxygen.

Sorry honey, you’ll have to look for an alternative fuel source.

That’s an excellent life lesson summed up. Don’t take the bait, take a step back and get the wider perspective of the situation. Then you’ll see clearly and avoid unnecessary fights.

[Author]

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