My journal

[NerdTunnelerParticipant]

Ok so some of you guys have known my struggles when I came here broken and confused. I found solid ground in the support of you brothers and I was able to get my head straight to at least start moving.
I just popped in to create some sort of blog to remind myself how far I have come when the call of the plantation becomes loud…Perhaps, some of you who are in pain may learn something from my journey just as I learned from the brothers before me who opened up their pain and shared their struggles and triumphs.
Currently, I am halfway through my vacation and I can say that the change of scenery and pace cleared cobwebs from my head. Before, I was a nervous wreck and continually worrying about my life, my future, my wife, being alone and all things useless that I now find petty..You brothers are right, it does get better.
I am not so much in red pill rage and I can at times be at peace with myself. Before, I would incessantly worry about my failed marriage and the backlash from society but now…meh…It is so good to find that point where I am at peace with myself and be in the moment here and now…Just washing the dishes and zoning out to get that properly done is oddly satisfying.
One thing I am in now is lost. I dont know if its mid life crisis or whatnot but since I am no longer living my life for my wife or others I seem bewildered what to do with my life. I was so conditioned to be the white knight and be disposable..to sacrifice my happiness and health for the women/ my wife that I dont know now what to do with my life now. All I ever knew was wrong and now I have to rebuild myself.
Sometimes, I see myself as turning into an “asshole” for being selfish but I know that after years of torture, I am just respecting myself and prioritizing myself. The conditioning is strong that seeking happiness for myself is making me feel selfish and bad…but in my mind I know this path is the right one and it is not wrong or evil.
Anyway, this is my state now and I know things are going to get better. Im sorry if I was not able to pop in the past few weeks as I had been busy. I see that you guys are busy with interesting topics and I have a lot to catch up to when I get back.
I am reading some books and enjoying the scenery through a different set of eyes.Red pill eyes…
Enough with my rambling, just popped in to say hi and update you guys where I am on my growth and journey. Thank you brothers for your wisdom that I am able to recover quickly and find myself faster…

I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...

[Anonymous 43]

NT…I was lost and confused once I was off the leash. My whole life I was living for someone else…and now what do I do.

I started down the road to elementary education while I was married, went through all the coursework, observations and student teaching while going through the divorce. Once I got to the classroom, I really struggled with the career choice, and how serving others was a major strain.

So now what? Back to school for the degree I should have gotten. The c~~~ told me I should not get a degree in computer science, that el ed was so much better, and I listened to her. F~~~ me for being stupid. The c~~~ worked in IT…accounting and computers and made a crap load of money. I would potentially make more than she did, and her jealousy would not allow that to happen. I had so much sunk cost into the el ed thing I was blind to what I really wanted.

NT it is ok to turn into a selfish asshole. Do it, be the best asshole you can be, your survival depends on it. Not only that, but by being selfish, you tend to get what you want in life, and do not settle for less than the best. When you do that, the people around you work harder to satisfy you.

Do you worry about the the last s~~~ you put in the toilet? Then do not worry about your failed marriage. That c~~~ failed you. She betrayed you and left you for dead. F~~~ her and f~~~er twice for wrecking a nice guy. My God you would have done anything for that underserving bitch…where’s the gratitude? Old marriage is as relevant as yesterday’s lunch. Squeeze it out, pinch it off, wipe off the remains and pull the handle. Get up and Go!

The red pill rage comes and goes, but the red pill effect washes over into other areas, too. The ability to step back and understand the motives of other people in other situations is powerful joo joo. While you use your new found superpower, to the rest of the world you will be that asshole. lol. They will not understand, they can’t understand until they take the red pill.

Be well brother. Check in more often. Take advantage of those who are a couple miles ahead of you down this same road.

[MGTOW_MikeParticipant 6253]

NerdTunneler wrote:

You brothers are right, it does get better.

But remember this NT. Time to time you will have low points so you need to keep working on it like going to the gym. Over time you build up so much mental strength that these regular bouts of depression do not impact you anymore.

NerdTunneler wrote:

Just washing the dishes and zoning out to get that properly done is oddly satisfying.

Yes…the little things you focus on yield the best results.

NerdTunneler wrote:

One thing I am in now is lost. I dont know if its mid life crisis or whatnot but since I am no longer living my life for my wife or others I seem bewildered what to do with my life

I get that A LOT time to time, but I keep on focusing on my passion, going out with my MGTOW friend and a few other things. Keeping things simple. The reason why you feel like a “mid-life” crisis is because a huge void in your life has opened up. We men have been brainwashed by society to fill that “big void” by doing random s~~~ (i.e. getting married, working in a stressful job etc). It is a distraction put upon us by the elite.

NerdTunneler wrote:

Sometimes, I see myself as turning into an “asshole” for being selfish but I know that after years of torture, I am just respecting myself and prioritising myself

There is nothing wrong with letting go. It is a healthy practice in Buddhism. Letting go of external conditions such that you can experience true freedom. Society wants you to feel like a selfish asshole, in order to keep you in its grip.Think of it this way; by giving into the system you are making things harder for yourself and other people (i.e. young men fall for the trap and suffer). In other words, lead by example. Action speaks louder than words. Life is MEANT to be tranquil, NOT stressful. A lot of people are terrified of the concept of a tranquil mind. Do not be scared. Sure, at first, it can be a little scary, but you build up a strong relationship with this “emptiness”. Over time your mind becomes more and more stable and not on a “roller coaster”.

I recommend you to watch this video when you are relaxing:

A tranquil mind is neither happy nor sad, it is uninfluenced by external conditions.

[Anonymous 18]

Think of it like this ….

Now you know something is off. Your man-radar picks up on this feeling of being lost and instead of finding meaning in a woman’s bosom who will pretend to give meaning by hijacking your sexual/emotional needs to meet her own imperative… You are here.

Now you are free.

Prison life is structured. Whether in a penetary or marital home.

But structured life that is independent of others’ influence on you takes a) introspection b) effort c) calibration d) time. It is only enjoyable when its designed to meet your needs specifically.

Its a process and a struggle at times to create a wholesome life without the standard blueprint of blue pilled blues.

Misery loves company. Contentment stands alone.

Rest assured it will be your life. Society will never validate and encourage you to go your own way so have no expectation from external validation cues. That’s for plantation dwellers.

Being lost is a good thing because the walls have come down. The vastness of your life and possibilities is intimidating. Your subconscious picks on it.

But lay that foundation good.

You will have inner peace.

[Anonymous 1]

Best treatment I can prescribe is get yourself a motorbike.
It’s a mainly mens world, so join a club of like minded men. You seldom see one parked outside a shrinks office.

[CombatRollParticipant 2594]

Anonymous wrote:

Best treatment I can prescribe is get yourself a motorbike.
It’s a mainly mens world, so join a club of like minded men. You seldom see one parked outside a shrinks office.

Absolutely – If not a motorbike, a 4×4, or a Mountain Bike. Maybe some rifles and take up hunting. Maybe join a boxing gym or start kayaking. Archery? CrossBow? Travel?

The world is your f~~~ing oyster! Go live it – do what your heart desires now that you are fee to. Don’t apologize to anyone for doing it. You deserve to be happy. We’ve all been programmed to work like a mule for the happiness of our women and kids and this is scam.

[NerdTunnelerParticipant]

Anonymous wrote:

The red pill rage comes and goes, but the red pill effect washes over into other areas, too. The ability to step back and understand the motives of other people in other situations is powerful joo joo. While you use your new found superpower, to the rest of the world you will be that asshole. lol. They will not understand, they can’t understand until they take the red pill.

Thanks May 7 for the insight. I am at the point where I want to do a lot of things but getting so overwhelmed with the countless paths that I seem to be at a standstill…On one hand, I want to dive right in.. on the other hand there is that fear that I will get stuck on that road and unable to try new things…Perhaps I am just making excuses so that I will stay in my “safe bubble”…But I want to grow and I know growing is going to involve a lot of pain especially when detoxing from the pull of the plantation. Your words gave me insight into why I am unable to move and have come to realize this fear..Thanks May 7..Hope you are doing well too in your recovery…

I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...

[NerdTunnelerParticipant]

MGTOW_Mike wrote:

But remember this NT. Time to time you will have low points so you need to keep working on it like going to the gym. Over time you build up so much mental strength that these regular bouts of depression do not impact you anymore.

Thank you Mike..It really is weird to feel happy and content one moment then sad and depressed the next..I hope to get back to the gym when I return and just to live a day at a time for now.

MGTOW_Mike wrote:

I get that A LOT time to time, but I keep on focusing on my passion, going out with my MGTOW friend and a few other things. Keeping things simple. The reason why you feel like a “mid-life” crisis is because a huge void in your life has opened up. We men have been brainwashed by society to fill that “big void” by doing random s~~~ (i.e. getting married, working in a stressful job etc). It is a distraction put upon us by the elite.

You nailed it brother. This big void is making me agitated and frustrated of not being able to fill…So much so that I seek just random s~~~ to fix…LOL…I still havent gotten the hang of doing something just because it makes me happy…It really is still a long road ahead to remove these societal programming. I intend to join the ranks of our enlightened brothers who live their lives for their own sake and not because they were coerced into doing it…One thing I still have to practice is that I am responsible for my own life and happiness and that a woman IS NOT the sole giver of happiness as we were programmed…

I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...

[NerdTunnelerParticipant]

Anonymous wrote:

Prison life is structured. Whether in a penetary or marital home.

Anonymous wrote:

Misery loves company. Contentment stands alone.

Rest assured it will be your life. Society will never validate and encourage you to go your own way so have no expectation from external validation cues. That’s for plantation dwellers.

Being lost is a good thing because the walls have come down. The vastness of your life and possibilities is intimidating. Your subconscious picks on it.

This is deep iLearn and touched a nerve. Yes, now I see that I got used to the structure and expectation of married life and looking back at it, it was prison. No real freedom to be yourself but just to act and talk according to the demand of the wife…It is during these insights and I am glad my wife left so I can discover this truth.
I have to validate myself and stop looking for that validation from other people. Damn these programming. They are deeply ingrained and needs to be incised one by one.
The vastness of life and possibilities are intimidating and I understand why most men turn back to the plantation. But I choose to stare back at the void like you guys did and dive headlong into it. I dont want to just exist. I want to live. For now, I have to move irregardless of the debilitating fear that is taring me down….It is one thing to know this vastness and this fear, it is another thing to be standing on that precipice and deciding to continue leaving the plantation and live my own life…
Your experiences give me strength brother. To know that when I dive into the darkness of possibilities that there is water there to break my fall.
I give my thanks to my countless brothers here who have faced similar situations and dove first into the unknown to be able to bring the message that it is going to be alright. I salute you my brothers…

I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...

[NerdTunnelerParticipant]

CombatRoll wrote:

Engineer wrote:

Best treatment I can prescribe is get yourself a motorbike.
It’s a mainly mens world, so join a club of like minded men. You seldom see one parked outside a shrinks office.

Absolutely – If not a motorbike, a 4×4, or a Mountain Bike. Maybe some rifles and take up hunting. Maybe join a boxing gym or start kayaking. Archery? CrossBow? Travel?
The world is your f~~~ing oyster! Go live it – do what your heart desires now that you are fee to. Don’t apologize to anyone for doing it. You deserve to be happy. We’ve all been programmed to work like a mule for the happiness of our women and kids and this is scam.

Thanks Engineer and Combatroll…I laughed at the suggestion because one of the things on my bucket list is to purchase a motorbike. I planned to do this when I get my finances in order. Not just a small motorbike but those that cost as much or more than a nice car…Yup…I love the freedom and thrill of riding a motorbike when you think of nothing but the road and the wind in your hair…Hopefully as soon as I can when I recover the feeling that the world is my oyster. I felt it before after the my ex gf monkey branched and I am expecting to feel it again now that wife life left me…
PS..my ex gf tried to reverse monkey branch when I was getting married but I ignored her. Hopefully I can do the same with my wife when she tries to return to me after putting me through the emotional pain and torture…

I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...

[AstroParticipant 2045]

Well, you know I have been there. I feel like I am over my Red Pill rage but after two relapses into depression, I’m afraid to say it. Still, I feel better than I have in the last six months. OK, the finances suck, so I won’t be exploring the world unless I stick my thumb out. What I do have is an inner peace returning and better than before.

[NerdTunnelerParticipant]

OK…So I am done with my vacation and it was very therapeutic for me. Breaking the cycle of monotony in my life helped me to detach myself from my relations~~~ and focus on myself. Yes, the vacation allowed me to learn to accept myself and the situation I am in. Being able to breathe in my situation and expel it. I know I am alive, and I know I can survive. Oh, and I did a skydive, crossed that one off my bucket list. It was great. Sky-O must be having a blast with his job.
Anyways, I am now unwinding from my vacation and trying to start a new business. The old cobwebs and memories and fears resurfaced but I was able to better handle it. I skydived for effing sake so that boosted my trust in myself. The loneliness is there but I am appreciating it that no one is nagging me what I should or shouldnt do. The only voice in my head now is my own and not from my x. Before, its like the voice of my x is in my head that I am very fearful of my own action in case she is displeased. Pure bliss but somewhat unnerving to be alone with my thoughts. Still, I know this is just a phase and win or lose I have no one else to blame but myself.
I gained a lot of pounds from my vacation…come on…I need to sample good food they have.
So I am going back to the gym and changing my life. The pull of pussy worship is still there but then I see defeated guys with wives and gfs bossing them around in the mall and I bless my lucky stars I see the slavery through red pill eyes.
Anyways, hope everyone is ok. Its amazing that despite all the negativity in media that I am now able to detach myself and give them no attention. Just an empty chair. Its great guys. It is a ride of ups and down but I know this is just me shedding my lifelong blue pill indoctrination and becoming stronger to pursue my own life. To live life to the fullest. Never again to just exist because of fear. This is life, and I can glimpse that it is colorful. The rage is hopefully going to subside soon and I could just focus on me and not on emotions or issues or others stupid s~~~ that wants my attention. Freedom boys. That is what is waiting for us and we will live life for our own sake and not for others…
Funny…That line was similar to the one by John Galt…Cheers brothers and stay strong despite the shaming and provocations…

I stand with feet apart and let my balls hang free...Manginas dont have balls...See how they stand and sit at the whim of their masters...

[AttonParticipant]

Good to see you are making progress within you’re life you now know its do able.

A MGTOW is a man who is not a woman's bitch!

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