Here my adaptation of Cap’s masterpiece(Adjusted for regional differences):
About Chad
Let’s play a game I call ‘Reverse the Genders’. I’m going to write a profile similar to those of women in my dating range (mid 20s to late 40s). Since you all have this Santa Claus long checklist where every box needs to get ticked, let me treat you in a similar fashion. I can’t speak for all men, but many, more than you know, agree with me. Don’t worry, plenty of thirsty simps out there. Wondering what you’re doing wrong? Wondering why you can’t find the ‘perfect’ guy after being on multiple dating sites for 5 stinking years? Don’t act like you haven’t been. Imagine if every male profile you read was like this:
Hello. My money is my own and you will get none of it. Not for some time at least as trust and respect have to be earned. I prefer petite, women who aren’t land whales with at least shoulder length hair, and so if you’re amazon like tall, have a short ditzy-bob haircut or can’t control your eating, you need not apply.
My exercise and hobbies take up much of my time but I’ll squeeze you in if I can. They also take up money…and that’s not going to stop even if we dated on a regular basis. You need to have job. You’re all equal now. If you’re not liar and are truly interested in real companionship, why does what I do for living, what car I drive or where I live matter? Pick equality or chivalry, you can’t have both. At our age, let’s face it; marriage is out of the question as most of us have been dragged through the divorce ringer. Why is just having a long term relationship a problem? Marriage is bulls~~~. Disagree? Probably means you’d like the law involved to get your hands on my cash. Move on.
You will never be my best friend as those are the guys I’ve known since the age of 17. They like me for who I am. You never will. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Yes, it takes more than sexual attraction and looks but let’s not kid ourselves. You know within the first 45-60 seconds of meeting us if you want to get horizontal (more on this in the date section). So none of this ‘friends first’ bullsh*tas that means I’ll be shelling out lots of cash for God knows how long. We’re all adults here. No sex by the third date? Move on. Nor did I just fall off the turnip truck.
You think I don’t you’re texting the guy you’re probably going to **** later while we’re sitting at dinner? I’m on to you and tired of competing with your 24/7/365 connection to the hive mind. For the love of God, stay off your phone for 10 minutes, it that’s even possible.
You like to talk about how relationships take work while you won’t do it yourselves.
I know your inboxes are over flowing so why work you can sit back and get your ego stroked? Same goes for first dates and as the relationship goes on. I work for the ‘pleasure’ of your company while you do nothing. I won’t put on a clown suit? The next sucker will, on to him. You want to work for a relationship about as much I like the Lifetime channel. It’s all empty rhetoric.
In no particular order, don’t message me if:
1. You have high angle pictures or other deceptive ways of hiding your body. We’ll have to meet in real life eventually so why lie? You want an honest man? Be honest yourself.
2. You think overweight means ‘average’ body type.
3. Have pictures of you with men in them. Who are they? Old boyfriends? FWB’s?
4. Pictures of you with your girlfriends. Which one are you? I’ll wager not the attractive one.
5. Pictures of you with duck lips. Are you 15?
6. Text talk. See 5.
7. Pictures of pets, flowers, motivational quotes, etc. Who the **** cares?
8. Talk exercise and your body doesn’t reflect it. See 1.
9. Pictures of you in New York. I’ll just assume you’re pretentious.
10. Pictures of you with wine, going on about wine, good wine, etc. Giant red flag of pretentiousness.
11. What I should be doing or how much I should be drinking on the first date. Anything else mom?
12. You plan on giving me a job interview on the first date. Instant walk out.
13. On your phone? Instant walk out.
14. You have a motorcycle. Cool, but no thank you.
15. You have stupid statements in your profile. “I like to have fun!” No s~~~?
16. You are a ‘career’ woman. Pass.
17. You can’t cook.
18. We live in the same town and you want to drive all the way to the city to go to bars. ****ing really?
19. You get your life lessons/ideas from Sex in the City.
20. I like super heroes and science fiction. Deal with it.
21. Baseball season is coming. Hope you like watching the Braves.
22. If you started liking the Braves in 2010, Do. Not. Contact. Me.
23. If you can’t explain bunting or stealing don’t even talk to me about baseball.
24. I’m a straight male. I don’t dance.
25. I own guns. I carry one. Get used to it.
26. If you’re “Waiting for Superman, Mr. Right, Prince Charming or the Perfect Guy”. Don’t hold your breath. Remember what I said about being on here for 5 years?
27. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” I just threw up in my mouth.
28. “Tired of games, liars, players”. Heard it before. Prove it.
29. You’re ‘just looking’. This is a dating site professor.
30. I mostly watch animated shows. Deal with it.
31. I will not go to 50 Shades of Grey. Have fun.
32. If you like the beach. I hate sand.
33. You can’t pull off a bikini. A real one.
34. You have snakes.
35. You have anything in your profile stating how crazy you are or how you’ll stab somebody because of your ethnicity. No thank you. Don’t want to be killed in my sleep.
36. You live in Atlanta. Too far. Don’t like crowds, waiting.
37. If you think I’m meeting your friends anytime soon.
38. You’re looking for ‘casual dating/no commitment’. Translation – free sh*tand no sex.
39. You list travel as an interest. It means I’ll be paying for trips. Plus, who the hell would want to go to an airport if they didn’t have to?
40. You think I care what your sign is.
41. You think you’re a queen or princess.
42. You’re pushing 40 and looking for someone to marry. For what exactly?
43. Your tongue is out. Put it back in your damn mouth.
44. “I’m done with the bar scene.” No, it’s done with you.
45. You do anything in mud. Are you a pig? Just another stupid fad you latched on to.
46. You have pictures of girls’ night out with stupid sideways peace signs. You’re always telling us to grow up, why don’t you do the same?
47. Contact me if we dated/talked before. I have a mind like a steel track and I will burn you.
48. Go on about your ‘career’. This does not turn me on, nor do I care.
49. Get surprised when I tell you to go **** yourself if you flake on the first date. No, I won’t’ reschedule.
50. All your friends are guys.
First Date
A bar I will pick and you can pay for your own overpriced drink. Or, for once, you come up with something. Do I look like a jester that’s supposed to entertain you? You’ve gone on and on about how educated and intelligent you are but can’t figure out a date idea? It won’t be dinner. Whatever it is, you’ll be paying for your own s~~~. We’re adults, so if you think we won’t be horizontal after the third date, just move on because you want free dinners or lack the will to act which is probably worse. $40 is my limit. $0 is optimal.
Whoops. I just disqualified every woman in America. How does it feel? There are reasons you’ve been on dating sites for half a decade. Keep searching for that unicorn.
Friendly advice: Peruse the interwebz for multiple articles and videos of women lamenting about “Where have all the good men gone” and the like. You may control sex, but we control LTR’s and marriage. A little self-reflection wouldn’t hurt either.
Anonymous 3 years, 10 months ago.
