Letters to Santa

[J.R. “Bob” DobbsParticipant 521]

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How ’bout I send you a f~~~ing book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

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Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house. You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the baby-sitter? He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.

Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,

It blows my f~~~ing mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed like Chutes and Ladders.

-Santa

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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe’s, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who the hell names their kid “Francis” anyways?

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the s~~~s and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing c~~~tail waitresses’ asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa

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Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping yourhouse…

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that s~~~ doesn’t fly up here. You’re getting a sweater….again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,

We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

SweetDreams!

Santa

Quote from a former boss: "Don't get married...the fucking you get ain't worth the fucking you get."

[MACHOParticipant]

J.R. “Bob” Dobbs wrote:

Dear Santa,

I read all your Dear Santa letters 😜

and I Thought that I Was Cynical ! You Win !! 🍺🍺🍺

You must own a better Crystal ball than I

[Anonymous 43]

Dear Santa,

What’s your return policy? The stuff you gave me last year sucks. Seriously, an Ace of Base CD? A Miley Cyrus t shirt 2 sizes too small, and a Zenith computer, from 1986. Come on Santa an 80086 processor with 1 MB of RAM? WTF? where am I going to find 2 inch floppies?

May

[xlrsnbrgParticipant 1786]

Dear Santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer.

Dear Santa, please send me your list of naughty girls.

Dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother.
Santa: Send me your mother.

A man shouldn't make his life's objective to be on the side of the majority, but to avoid finding himself in the ranks of the insane. (Marcus Aurelius)

[Author]

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