http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/topics-to-discuss-before-marriage_us_596f96b6e4b01696c6a23b7e?section=us_divorce
OK, one of my guilty pleasures, reading stupid Huffpost articles where they give absolutely s~~~ty advice. Ready? Here are the 10 Big, Divorce-Proofing talks to have before getting married.
1. The talk about what you want to change about each other. I think we are off to a good start here actually. Because when start telling a woman what is wrong with her, she’ll kick your ass out so fast you won’t know what hit you. Which is THE single most effective way to never get divorced. Never get married. Congratulations Huffpost, you are 1 for 1 so far!!
2. The Money Talk: Now, everyone tells you to have the money talk. No surprise here. You can bet that he wants to save and she wants to spend. That will cover about 90% of relationships. Just realize that she will just go get a credit card and max it out anyway. Oh yeah, and then you will get to use all that money you saved to pay it off.
3. The Sex Talk: HAHAHHA! Take a jar and put a penny in it every time you have sex for the first year. Now from there on out, take one back out of the jar every time you have sex. Hint, you’ll always have money in the jar.
4. The Personal Space Talk: Really? You’re going to tell her that you need a little space and don’t want to give up your hobbies? Idiot. That will lead directly to………
5. The Kids Talk: You selfish bastard!! When we have kids do you really expect me to be with them all day and then not get a break at night so you can hang out with your asshole friends? Why don’t you just marry your mother? Prick.
6. The Talk about How You’ll Raise Your Kids: Or, from a man’s point of view, the LISTEN about how she’ll tell you how you’re raising HER kids. She’s the one that carried them around for 9 months. You think you have any say in this? Why don’t you ask your divorced friends whose kids they are? They’ll tell you.
7. The Monogamy Talk: This is the one where she tells you that it is completely unacceptable to friend any girls you went to school with on social media. Because she knows that will lead to those girls hitting on you. Because that’s why she’s friends with all the guys from high school on social media. Excuse me for a minute, Chad the old high school quarterback just liked the picture I posted today!!…..
8. The talk about family traditions and rituals: This is the talk where she gets to go through every family member you have and tell you why they are a piece of s~~~ and why therefore WE will only be going forward with her family traditions and rituals. Forget the fact that she hates her mother and fights with her constantly. And wasn’t there a story in there somewhere about an uncle that got drunk one night and fondled her? Wait, that wasn’t a lie was it?……..
9. The talk about handling future problems: Holey Hell! Another f~~~ing talk? OK, look buddy, you need to pay attention here. This is like setting the rules of the board game before you start playing. Now, she will hold you to these rules for the rest of your life no matter what. She on the other hand has a purse full of Get Out Jail Free cards, so don’t even think for a second that she will play by the rules. But you have to because you’re a guy, so negotiate for life here.
10. The what’s your ideal marriage? talk: FINALLY! The last goddamn talk! This talk is only meant to give her a chance to end on a high note. This is where she gets to pretend that you are Prince Charming and she is Cinderella and you’ll live in a big castle and live happily ever after. After beating you down on the other nine talks, this is like making a birdy on the 18th. Just meant to keep you coming back.
There you go gentlemen. Doesn’t that sound like FUN? I get tired just reading about all of the s~~~ty conversations I need to have with pumpkin. There is an alternative, but it’s rather drastic.
Just say no.
xenon 2 years, 6 months ago.
