Joke of the day

[joetechParticipant]

A man walks into his favorite sporting goods store and approaches a clerk. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to get a new fishing rod for my mother-in-law.”
The clerk replies, “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t accept trades.”

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

[KeymasterKeymaster]

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

If you keep doing what you've always done... you're gonna keep getting what you always got.

[Can’t Stump TrumpParticipant]

Does this dress make me look fat?

No, the FAT makes you look fat.

Women are better at multitasking? Fucking up several things at once is not multitasking.

[Anonymous 42]

Keymaster wrote:

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

Except for seeing your own feet!

[John Woods 13Participant 2855]

Can’t Stump Trump wrote:

No, the FAT makes you look fat.

I am stealing that.
HaHa. Laughing with tears…

The answer is NO. “I could but I won’t”. Memini murum!

[BushidoParticipant 637]

Here’s a two-for-Tuesday special:

A dyslexic Man walks into a bra.

Four men walk into a bar. The fifth one ducks.

Logic guides your actions, emotion guides your morals. Only you may decide how you use them.

[bladeParticipant]

Me….hay you dropped something

Her… looks around on ground says what

Me…. f~~~ ya bleed to death

THE PLANTATION HAS NOW TURNED INTO THE KILLING FIELDS . WOMAN ARE NOW ROLLING CAMBODIAN STYLE .

[Back in BlackParticipant 1732]

A man and a woman were extremely happy and satisfied with their lives. Then they met.

"Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish, and short-sighted—in a word, are big children all their lives, something intermediate between the child and the man, who is a man in the strict sense of the word. Consider how a young girl will toy day after day with a child, dance with it and sing to it; and then consider what a man, with the very best intentions in the world, could do in her place.” Quote from Arthur Shopenhauer, 17th century philosopher

[Can’t Stump TrumpParticipant]

Two goldfish were in a tank. One of them asked, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Women are better at multitasking? Fucking up several things at once is not multitasking.

[WolverineParticipant 90]

A man walks into a bar…

…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

“Take this apple.”

“I don’t want an apple. I want a JD and coke.”

“Trust me, try the apple.”

The man takes a bite, and exclaims “Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!”

“Yup. Turn it around.”

“Wow!” He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, “This side tastes like coke!”

Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple’s mysteries, another patron walks in.

“Vodka and tonic please mate”

“Here’s an apple.”

“I don’t want a f~~~in’ apple mate, I want a…”

“Trust me, try the man’s apple. They’re incredible!” Interrupts the first customer.

He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; “Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!”

Both the barman and the first customer yell “Turn it around!” in unison. The man obliges and exclaims “Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!”

A third man saunter’s up to the bar; “Pint of IPA please mate”.

“Hold on!” Says the second customer. “This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it’s incredible!”

“Any flavour?” Asks the third man.

“Any flavour you want sir.” Say the barman.

“In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!”

“Um.. alright” says the barman as he hands him an apple.

The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar.

“EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like s~~~!!”

“TURN IT AROUND!!”

[joetechParticipant]

That’s a good one, Wolverine! LOL!

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

[Y_Participant 4591]

A couple were having a picnic near a lake. Suddenly an old guy and an equally old lady show up some distance next to a fenceline atound a private property.

Suddenly the old geezer drops his pants and starts screwing the old lady from behind. Needing balance they fall onto the fence and the old guy goes berserk – giving a show that would make a porn star weep. In a short while the couple fall to the ground completely exhausted.

The picnicking couple goes up to the old man and the husband says ‘Sir – what you did was incredible. How did you manage it at your age?’

The old man says ‘ I used to bang girls here on this very fence when I was your age. Didn’t know it’s electrified now.’

[FrostByteParticipant 19005]

3 guys bragging about their what was the most painful thing that ever happened to them.

1st guy speaks, “I was in Nam and I lost this arm you will never feel that much pain”.

2nd guy says, “That’s noting I lost this leg in Korea now that’s real pain”.

3rd guy laughs, “I was taking a s~~~ in the woods and squatted over bear trap that slammed shut on my b~~~~. That was the 2nd worst pain I ever felt.”

‘Holy s~~~’, said the 1st guy, “2nd worst! What the hell is worse than having your b~~~~ in a bear trap?”

3rd guy, “I screamed and ran like hell when it happened, and that f~~~ing trap ran out of chain.”

If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you will get is a distressed damsel.

[Anonymous 42]

Can’t Stump Trump wrote:

Two goldfish were in a tank. One of them asked, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

AMC Pacer? Need a case of Windex to clean the windows? Pregnant roller-skate? greenhouse on wheels? hatchback fishbowl with doors?

[joetechParticipant]

Tower, the guy in the picture looks like Leisure Suit Larry.

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I stepped in something."

[Author]

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