Inner demons of hypocrisy and self-confidence

[RusskyParticipant 13503]

There is a black clout of mixed feelings I have in my mind that I can’t sort out – maybe you guys could help me understand.

I thought many times how to word this in a topic, but this s~~~ is deeply embedded in my subconscious psyche like a supermassive black hole in a center of a galaxy of my identity, so without serious therapy it is hard to uncover, put to light and formulate the right questions to get to the essence. But I will try.

In the nutshell, the question is – How can I even expect to find a woman to meet my high standards, when I myself is far from top shelf material?
One might think it is hypocritical to expect a lot when you can’t offer much

Don’t know about you, gentlemen, but I constantly catch myself in the act of sizing myself up to a class of chicks I meet, and always been.
Want it or not, I always tend to disqualify myself from imagining myself with quality material, because I think they’re out of my league and it’s a sure rejection and a losing proposition.

This thinking was the major underlying cause behind me getting involved with this crazy stupid chick that later developed into a marriage and fell apart with spectacular bang. Thinking who else would tolerate my quirks and vices, who else would suck my dick and roll joints while I’m driving, who else would take me as I am with all my craziness? Why else but her?

Even now. Hypothetically speaking – If say, I was a worthy chick from a good family who was brought up to be a decent woman – someone you’d want to have kids with – the mystical NAWALT. Would you ever consider living with a guy like me – who’ve been through a lot of s~~~, has issues, baggage, divorced twice, with a kid? Someone who was in a gang, was a career criminal at one point? Someone who used all the drugs, who’s an alcoholic? someone who was arrested four times – three drunk drivings and one domestic assault? Someone who grew weed and mushrooms in his house, and sold drugs on the side? Someone who’s ex wife says that he raped her and beat her up, and how I overdosed on heroin? Someone who blew his career in finance and now works for $13/hr. Someone who got fired for being late. Someone who has diagnoses of ADHD, GAD and depression and who was on hard psychotropic drugs for years? Someone who got brain-damaged to the point when you can’t even focus on playing a video game, let alone multitasking and meeting deadlines at an office? Someone with bags under his eyes, small beer belly and a tattoo? Someone who sits all night reading MGTOW.com? Someone who smokes pot at work? Someone who’s 36 and drives a 99 Corolla with smashed front end with infowars.com sticker on the back?

Now don’t get me wrong – I have a lot of good qualities and talents too, and most of the stuff I named is in the past and blown out of proportion.
I am a reformed man who grew up, stopped destroying myself; and eventually – I know that I will bounce back. Always had, always will.
But nevertheless, this is how I might be evaluated by a quality candidate. And I am not a person who will try to create a false past and lie about it. I am not ashamed of anything and I won’t apologize to nobody. I have not harmed anyone. I am not proud of my history, but I kinda am. I’m like a f~~~ing Tony Montana

So I feel hypocritical blaming women how they lived their lives and having high standards of them, when my own history and who I am today does not make me a catch in any way shape or form. Besides my baggage, I am introverted, not a mangina and won’t court women like others would. Who in a right mind would want to have anything to do with me?

But regardless of how women or society might judge me, I don’t see myself as worthless by any means, so I am not lowering my standards and start dating low-quality females. So logical conclusion is – I am going MGTOW and because I am not a desirable catch- this makes it a lot easier, IT MAKES IT NATURAL.

Shedding the ego and eradicating self-consciousness is an uphill battle, but the deeper I dug, the more I’ve been finding out how all my life has been revolving around this singularity of self-worth in the eyes of others, especially dealing with women. Even now, on heavy doses of red pills seeing women’s true colors all around me, I can’t help but wonder – maybe I am not much better

Do I even have a right to complain about women? Thoughts?

proud carrier of the 'why?' chromosome

[RoyDalParticipant]

Russky wrote:

Shedding the ego and eradicating self-consciousness is an uphill battle, but the deeper I dug, the more I’ve been finding out how all my life has been revolving around this singularity of self-worth in the eyes of others, …

Same here. My first (of many) go-to guy for shedding the ego how-to tips and instructions was Alan Watts. Search YouTube and you will find heaps of his lectures that were recorded live back in the day.

I am also a big fan of the Stoic philosophers for the same reason as Watts: They stripped the issue of its mystical overtones and psycho-babble and dealt only in practical advice. Well, the best of them did. I recommend starting with Epictetus.

Society asks MGTOWs: Why are you not making more tax-slaves?

[EntropyParticipant 902]

Do you REALLY want a woman or do you want the way you think they will make you feel about yourself?

If you still say woman…

Do you think a woman gives a flying s~~~ what your background is if you have money and self confidence? F~~~ man, the worse the better.

Both are derived from self discipline and focus.

Begin something constructive and f~~~ing stick with it (exercising, welding, making chairs, reading, writing, collecting cans, juggling, whatever…).

As you get better at it, your self confidence will grow. Higher self confidence = projection of higher worth to others = better job = more money.

If after all of that you still think ANY woman is good enough for YOU. Go nuts. But you’ll probably feel more satisfaction turning them down.

If that sounds like too much work, continue on your current path man. One thing I am finding out as I get older is that some people aren’t happy unless they are miserable.

Either way, it’s your path and you walk it any way you want, one time (It’s not a f~~~ing circle).

"Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves" -BBR

[OldscoundrellParticipant 412]

Always enjoy your posts rusky.

As males, we typically learn our lessons the hard way, instead of listening to the older wiser ones when we were younger. But its only a lesson if the negatives change our behaviors. Only fools keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Believe it or not, but most people appreciate a difficult past in a person when it is contrasted to a better version of your present day self. It shows strenth and wisdom.
Alot of people just keep it going downhill until its too late to go back up.

[RebaneParticipant 215]

 

RoyDal wrote:

Shedding the ego and eradicating self-consciousness is an uphill battle, but the deeper I dug, the more I’ve been finding out how all my life has been revolving around this singularity of self-worth in the eyes of others, especially dealing with women. Even now, on heavy doses of red pills seeing women’s true colors all around me, I can’t help but wonder – maybe I am not much better

This is so familiar. But now I see this as mind programming which needs changing. This is constant work. Your signature  is great – “nothing to prove”. I repeat this to myself if the mind starts comparing my worth with others.

How I see myself is far more important. I think Schopenhauer was spot on when he wrote these thoughts:

What one human being can be to another is not a very great deal.  In the end every one stands alone, and the important thing is, who it is that stands alone.

The more a man has in himself, the less he will want from other people. The less, indeed, other people can be to him.

[PhantomParticipant 3328]

You have really opened up here, and I have enjoyed reading about you. I will return the gesture. You may want to grab a beverage or 2 of choice, kick back and enjoy the show.

Russky wrote:

In the nutshell, the question is – How can I even expect to find a woman to meet my high standards, when I myself is far from top shelf material?
One might think it is hypocritical to expect a lot when you can’t offer much

I was in this “loop” of thinking for many yrs, until I started looking deep into myself.

I respect we all have our own path to follow…but for me, I was asking the wrong question.

I only started making progress once I changed the focus of the question…ie

“Why am I not using myself (instead of women) as my filter regarding my thought process”?

For me, because I wanted validation from them. Why? To tell myself I had value & worth.

Especially if it was coming from a chick I was really attracted to, etc.

Russky wrote:

I always tend to disqualify myself

Because I too, got tired of that being the outcome…hence why I shifted my focus.

Russky wrote:

Would you ever consider living with a guy like me – who’ve been through a lot of s~~~, has issues, baggage, divorced twice, with a kid?

I used to ask myself these kind of questions as well.

Then I wasted over 30 yrs of my life trying to better myself for a woman, instead of doing it for myself.

This is key, and helped me tremendously once I turned that ship around.

The more I got myself sorted, the more I realized I was going my own way.

It was out of self preservation, not if she was good enough for me, or if I was good enough for her.

In short, “What’s best for me”? This is the question I had to drill into my “train of thought”

Not just fleeting thoughts here and there.

Russky wrote:

So logical conclusion is – I am going MGTOW and because I am not a desirable catch- this makes it a lot easier, IT MAKES IT NATURAL.

This speaks volumes to me. When I first embarked on my journey of MGTOW (which I didn’t even know I was, or that it was thing) I too rationalized it this way.

So? What’s wrong with that for me then?

First, like myself …I degraded myself and justified it by saying I am not a good catch, etc.

Second, again …I tried to reason (convince) myself that because of the first point, that I concluded it easier and natural.

Why is this of any consequence or importance you may ask?

Well, for myself anyway. I realized that I was settling on MGTOW, because it was second choice in what I thought I really wanted.

As I have shared, in some of my other posts (books) here, I was degrading myself and selling myself short as it were, and using all my past negative experiences, etc. to justify it.

Once I truly decided to answer the question of what’s best for me with MGTOW being the only truthful answer…It was like an epiphany or manpiphany if you will.

I decided that selling myself short, because a woman may not approve was ludicrous at best, and

Having MGTOW be some kind of “settling” (to fill the void of not having a woman’s approval) was not an option.

We all have our own way, I respect that…just don’t let it be a second fiddle on why you are?

Russky wrote:

IT MAKES IT NATURAL.

That’s when I realized it is the only natural recourse, and me doing it with that mindset makes it natural for me to live that way…

I now chase after MGTOW with more gusto than I ever did for the vag, and I was 1/2 whiteknight 1/2 mangina, and worshipped (as well as enslaved) it more than I care to admit.

Freedom at it’s finest for me.

As for living with a woman, why would you put yourself at such high risk?

[Author]

Posts