Crafty seagulls have developed a cunning strategy to steal the lunches of unsuspecting visitors to Brighton beach. The birds are reportedly ‘ganging up’ to target women carrying food along the seaside – with one tapping girls to make her drop her food, while the rest hover close by to swoop in for the feast. Lifeguards on the beach have described scenes worthy of Alfred Hitchc~~~’s horror film The Birds as the gulls become smarter and more brazen than ever before. Speaking to the Sunday Times as they enjoyed their lunch from underneath a protective parasol, lifeguards Becca and Ash said they are dealing with an increasing number of injuries caused by seagulls every week. ‘They always go for the girls’, Becca explained to journalist Matt Rudd. ‘They’ve learnt that girls are more likely to drop their food and run for it.’ ‘The seagulls have developed a technique’, said Ash. ‘The first one swoops in from behind and taps the girl with its wing or beak. When the girl drops her lunch, the rest of them are ready to grab for it.’ Frustration over the dangerous and brazen actions of seagulls came to the fore this week after Prime Minister David Cameron urged for a ‘big conversation’ on aggressive seagulls. It came after Yorkshire terrier Roo was killed by a pack of the birds in Newquay, Cornwall, last week. A councillor in Whitehaven, Cumbria, also branded the birds as ‘public enemy number one’ and the area’s MP Jamie Reed said pupils were escorted into school to avoid dive-bombing gulls, tweeting: ‘Young children are literally being attacked!’ MailOnline also reported on Thursday how a pensioner on blood thinning drugs was attacked by seagulls who tore at her scalp and a four-year-old boy almost lost a finger in two more attacks in Cornwall. There are nearly four times as many urban gulls compared with 15 years ago, say experts, with colonies beginning to spring up further from the coast.
This would be a classical example of of how women react to less than “Crisis-Proportion” instances. There wouldn’t be a slight mention as to how to rectify the problem of their own accord.
It goes something like this:
1) Birds are enganging in a subterfuge, working in concert to steal my lunch. You need to come up with a solution to fix my problem.
2) I however, will combat this phenomena by complaining about it, probably on several varying forums where other women will chime in and say “This is awful”. “I hate this”. “This is a concern”. Eventually, we now have a group of people carrying signs in a seagull park stating the obvious in bold black letters: “SEAGULLS ARE STEALING OUR FOOD!” Rather than cognitively discovering methodology which would prevent such a thing, they’d invest hours and unneeded media to point out the f~~~ing obvious on a placard. yet another excuse to get together and drink wine coolers and then talk about nothing other than “we’ve gotten together to dress stupidly and have a little party which will have no consequence”. And lo and behold, they’ve not invested a solitary neuron firing or self-contributed dollar in how they might actually combat this ever-growing tragedy. For the love of god, buy a three dollar high pitched whistle or uncomfortable sound to scare them away. If all else fails, and a bird lands to take your lunch, swat the little Avian bastard away. This won’t happen though. They need an actual functioning plan to divert the horror that is Seagull assault; a growing concern which stands paramount and equal with an issue like say……….the razing of African villages to the ground, accompanied by brutal murder, rape, pillaging, and cultural extinction. But gawwwwdamn son. Those Gulls are of substantial concern.
The world is falling apart, but yes, we should in good conscience dedicate some of our resources to fending off these elusive serial lunch rapists. Cause you know, this is something which will bring down western civilization.
Well done ladies. Let’s just put on hold the following crises such as Human Tragedy : because seagulls are making off with your Quinoa and Yogurt Parfaits.
Ever hear of a goddamned LUNCH BOX?
Grumpy 4 years, 5 months ago.
