Topic: good and funny articles about NO TO GETTING MARRIED.

This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Brace 4 years, 7 months ago.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

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2015-07-04 at 2:54 PM#78886
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Brace
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467

so what triggered this is my parents having at it again. which is becoming a routine every 2 weeks to a month since I was like 11 or something ( currently 25) I flipped out at them and said enough of this s~~~, go get a f~~~ing divorce if u don’t want each other anymore, blah blah blah. so I took a shower and went to sleep but before going to sleep I wanted to assert myself even more for why I’m never getting married. all these reasons and cheating is not even covered. thats the main reason it’s completely off the list. the rest are icing on top

 

Since birth we have all been taught that marriage and kids are the only correct way to lead a happy life. I call BULLS~~~ on the entire institution of marriage. Most of the married people I know spend half their time fighting, and the other half trying to remember how the hell they ended up in that cluster f~~~ of a situation. Getting married is like taking a bullet for someone. Everyone says how awesome you are for what you did, but no one wants to take your place.

 

Getting married for a guy starts out as simply wanting to stand by the woman you love, and evolves into just hoping for a few minutes to watch the goddamn game without being forced to listen to a 45-minute long story about how his wife STILL hates the same co-worker that she hated yesterday. Let’s get into the top nine reasons you should avoid marriage.

 

1. The Wedding

 

Guys, you will need your b~~~~ screwed on tight to get through this horrific event. A bride gets to be the center of attention the entire day, while the groom hangs in the back like Tito Jackson watching Michael moonwalk all over the goddamn stage. This one, dumb ass day will cost BIG bucks, too. The average wedding costs $29,000. That’s right $29,000 (like $70,000 if you live in NYC) to throw an ego parade for a girl, and the party only consists of flowers, some cake, and a D.J. Do you have any idea what kind of party a guy could throw with a $29,000 budget? If you gave a dude $29,000 to throw one party, I guarantee it would look like a Budweiser Super Bowl commercial.

 

What really sucks is that a wedding in NO WAY strengthens your relationship. Can someone please tell me how dressing up like a villain in a James Bond movie, saying a few magic words, and swapping jewelry helps us to bond?

 

2. Living Together

 

Living with a woman is like living on another planet where logic has not been discovered yet. When men come home, whether we live alone or with a woman, we all want a few simple things and here’s the list:

 

Silence

 

Food

 

Beer

 

Entertainment (sports usually tops that list since blowjobs went out the window the second we got engaged)

 

For some reason your new bride thinks that every single moment of silence is her cue to START TALKING! Every married man knows that horrible feeling when his wife sits down near him during the game and says, “Can we talk?” which only means the man either needs to pay for something or stop doing something he enjoys.

 

Remember how simple your bathroom was? It contained toilet paper, soap, towels, and a toothbrush. Now there are so many damn bottles in the shower that it looks like someone bought a meth lab starter kit. Why the hell is there underwear soaking in the sink, and hair curlers plugged in with random long hairs all over the sink, floor, towels and mirror? What’s with all the shedding? It’s like your wife is half sheep dog! Every time I saw my buddy’s bathroom and I saw all the hair his wife left in there, I kept thinking, “how the F~~~ is she not bald yet?”

 

3. Events

 

You might not realize it but getting married means you just signed up for a lifetime of random events you don’t want to go to. Every few days your wife will tell you about some dumb ass event she wants to go to, and you HAVE to come too. Men hate going to the following events:

 

Weddings

 

Funerals

 

Graduations

 

Graduation Parties

 

Open houses

 

Shopping

 

Company parties

 

Basically anything during the day on a weekend that doesn’t involve boobs or sports or beer.

 

It doesn’t stop there because for some reason you will ALWAYS be running late. Even though this s~~~ is HER IDEA, you get to sit on the couch fully dressed while she sprints past you in a towel yelling ,“I’m almost ready” every ten minutes.

 

Newsflash: SHE WON’T BE READY FOR ANOTHER GOGDAMN HOUR! As you arrive at the event, you, as her husband, get the pleasure of meeting random people you don’t give a s~~~ about and having your wife repeatedly ask, “You don’t remember them? You met them before.” The answer, ladies, is always NO! Don’t get mad at me because I don’t remember these assholes. Get angry at them for not doing anything memorable.

 

Men never drag their wives to s~~~. When was the last time you heard a guy say to his wife, “Hey, baby, Drew just got “Halo 4″ we’re going over there to play till 4am. Grab some chips and get dressed you’re going?” Men don’t drag women places because we know you don’t want to go, and if you did go you would just f~~~ it up for everyone.

 

4. Television

 

There was once a time when a man’s DVR was full of ESPN shows and random movies. Men only use about 30% of the memory because we usually watched the show that same night we recorded it. Now that you’re married the DVR is 99% full. What’s taking up so much space you wonder? Well it’s such awesome programming as:

 

Real Housewives of WHO THE F~~~ CARES

 

Spoiler alert: This show is about random old ass women with fun-house-mirror-quality plastic surgery who married rich jackasses, and they drink wine and fight. They’re f~~~ing 57 years old and act like 12 year olds! WHO GIVES A S~~~?

 

Scandal

 

Spoiler alert: At no point will the main chick take her clothes off….bulls~~~!

 

Grey’s Anatomy

 

Spoiler alert: I have been to the hospital and none of this s~~~ ever happens. Grey’s Anatomy is an hour of people crying and breaking up, and random people dying.

 

16 and Pregnant

 

Spoiler alert: This is literally what the title says. It’s about teenagers that got knocked up, and that’s it! That’s the whole show.

 

America’s Got Talent

 

Spoiler alert: Nick Cannon…I’m just saying the guy from the movie Drumline runs this thing… so yeah, it sucks.

 

Real World

 

Spoiler alert: THIS S~~~ STILL COMES ON T.V. I thought this went off the air in 1999, but NO, it’s still on. They still go get seven random douchebags and have them live in a mansion, and then they flood it with alcohol and act surprised when someone flips out.

 

5. Rings

 

Let me get this straight. A man owes a girl an engagement ring that means he promises to marry her? Then when he marries her he owes her another ring? The guy has to wear a wedding ring as well? What man have you ever met that likes to wear rings? Why not make it fair? If a woman gets an engagement ring, then shouldn’t a man get an engagement big screen HDTV or an engagement motorcycle? Giving a man a wedding ring is like giving a snowman a bottle of tanning oil, we don’t want that s~~~!

 

6. 50% Of All Marriages End In Divorce

 

Marriages are only 50/50. What other long term commitment would ANYONE make if it only had a 50/50 shot at success? Would you buy a car if right before I sold it to you I said, “Ok, so this thing will only start 50% of the time and that’s the best you can hope for?”

 

Divorce can cost you big bucks. Child support and spousal support are just 2 areas that can kill your wallet. Spousal support makes absolutely NO SENSE! Paying spousal support is such a scam. The idea that I am legally obligated to pay for some lazy ass girl that I don’t even like anymore is nuts. If I get fired my former employer doesn’t keep paying me. Paying spousal support is like renting a car then returning it, but the rental place calls me every time the car is rented and expects me to pay for oil changes.

 

7. Sex with Only One Person for the Rest of Your Life

 

There is not a man alive that doesn’t shutter at the thought of never having sex with another woman again. Vaginas are like cars, you appreciate the one you have but you always want to get inside a new one. Sex with one girl, no matter how good it is, will become boring and routine. If every day for dinner you gave a man lobster, it wouldn’t take long before he would be willing to fist fight a grizzly bear for a chance to have a burger.

 

8. Blowjobs Go Extinct

 

WHEN DID THIS S~~~ GO OUT OF STYLE? Now that you’re married, blowjobs belong in the same category as bellbottom pants, shag carpeting, 8-trackplayers, jerry curls and cheap gasoline. You’re never going to see that s~~~ again! Before you got married your woman would go down faster than Enron stock. Once you’re married your wife will treat your penis like kids playing dodge ball, the goal is to never take it in the face. In a marriage women are allowed to simply stop performing any wifely duties without question. I think men should start doing the same thing with their husbandly duties. For example, the next time you’re both asleep and it’s 3am and you hear glass break down stairs and your wife looks at you and says, “Go see what that was.” I suggest you look right back at her and say, “No. YOU go see what that noise was, the pistol’s under bed…good luck.”

 

9. Your Freedom is Gone

 

The days when you could go and come as you please are over. Once you’re married your wife will ask more questions about where you’re going than a parole officer. Married guys have less freedom then a Guantanamo Bay prisoner. Being married is like being a prisoner of war… the only difference is at least POWs have hope because they can be rescued. If you’re married, I’m sorry, but Seal Team Six is not coming to help you.

 

Take these words to be true my brothers and remember, they can take our lives but they can never take ……OUR FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

here are 2 articles I came by which are awesome and funny at the same time.I totally lost it, but I’ll post it here when I find it. there are plenty of lists online but those are funny and true at the same time :)Since birth we have all been taught that marriage and kids are the only correct way to lead a happy life. I call BULLS~~~ on the entire institution of marriage. Most of the married people I know spend half their time fighting, and the other half trying to remember how the hell they ended up in that cluster f~~~ of a situation. Getting married is like taking a bullet for someone. Everyone says how awesome you are for what you did, but no one wants to take your place.

Getting married for a guy starts out as simply wanting to stand by the woman you love, and evolves into just hoping for a few minutes to watch the goddamn game without being forced to listen to a 45-minute long story about how his wife STILL hates the same co-worker that she hated yesterday. Let’s get into the top nine reasons you should avoid marriage.

1. The Wedding

Guys, you will need your b~~~~ screwed on tight to get through this horrific event. A bride gets to be the center of attention the entire day, while the groom hangs in the back like Tito Jackson watching Michael moonwalk all over the goddamn stage. This one, dumb ass day will cost BIG bucks, too. The average wedding costs $29,000. That’s right $29,000 (like $70,000 if you live in NYC) to throw an ego parade for a girl, and the party only consists of flowers, some cake, and a D.J. Do you have any idea what kind of party a guy could throw with a $29,000 budget? If you gave a dude $29,000 to throw one party, I guarantee it would look like a Budweiser Super Bowl commercial.

What really sucks is that a wedding in NO WAY strengthens your relationship. Can someone please tell me how dressing up like a villain in a James Bond movie, saying a few magic words, and swapping jewelry helps us to bond?

2. Living Together

Living with a woman is like living on another planet where logic has not been discovered yet. When men come home, whether we live alone or with a woman, we all want a few simple things and here’s the list:

Silence

Food

Beer

Entertainment (sports usually tops that list since blowjobs went out the window the second we got engaged)

For some reason your new bride thinks that every single moment of silence is her cue to START TALKING! Every married man knows that horrible feeling when his wife sits down near him during the game and says, “Can we talk?” which only means the man either needs to pay for something or stop doing something he enjoys.

Remember how simple your bathroom was? It contained toilet paper, soap, towels, and a toothbrush. Now there are so many damn bottles in the shower that it looks like someone bought a meth lab starter kit. Why the hell is there underwear soaking in the sink, and hair curlers plugged in with random long hairs all over the sink, floor, towels and mirror? What’s with all the shedding? It’s like your wife is half sheep dog! Every time I saw my buddy’s bathroom and I saw all the hair his wife left in there, I kept thinking, “how the F~~~ is she not bald yet?”

3. Events

You might not realize it but getting married means you just signed up for a lifetime of random events you don’t want to go to. Every few days your wife will tell you about some dumb ass event she wants to go to, and you HAVE to come too. Men hate going to the following events:

Weddings

Funerals

Graduations

Graduation Parties

Open houses

Shopping

Company parties

Basically anything during the day on a weekend that doesn’t involve boobs or sports or beer.

It doesn’t stop there because for some reason you will ALWAYS be running late. Even though this s~~~ is HER IDEA, you get to sit on the couch fully dressed while she sprints past you in a towel yelling ,“I’m almost ready” every ten minutes.

Newsflash: SHE WON’T BE READY FOR ANOTHER GOGDAMN HOUR! As you arrive at the event, you, as her husband, get the pleasure of meeting random people you don’t give a s~~~ about and having your wife repeatedly ask, “You don’t remember them? You met them before.” The answer, ladies, is always NO! Don’t get mad at me because I don’t remember these assholes. Get angry at them for not doing anything memorable.

Men never drag their wives to s~~~. When was the last time you heard a guy say to his wife, “Hey, baby, Drew just got “Halo 4″ we’re going over there to play till 4am. Grab some chips and get dressed you’re going?” Men don’t drag women places because we know you don’t want to go, and if you did go you would just f~~~ it up for everyone.

4. Television

There was once a time when a man’s DVR was full of ESPN shows and random movies. Men only use about 30% of the memory because we usually watched the show that same night we recorded it. Now that you’re married the DVR is 99% full. What’s taking up so much space you wonder? Well it’s such awesome programming as:

Real Housewives of WHO THE F~~~ CARES

Spoiler alert: This show is about random old ass women with fun-house-mirror-quality plastic surgery who married rich jackasses, and they drink wine and fight. They’re f~~~ing 57 years old and act like 12 year olds! WHO GIVES A S~~~?

Scandal

Spoiler alert: At no point will the main chick take her clothes off….bulls~~~!

Grey’s Anatomy

Spoiler alert: I have been to the hospital and none of this s~~~ ever happens. Grey’s Anatomy is an hour of people crying and breaking up, and random people dying.

16 and Pregnant

Spoiler alert: This is literally what the title says. It’s about teenagers that got knocked up, and that’s it! That’s the whole show.

America’s Got Talent

Spoiler alert: Nick Cannon…I’m just saying the guy from the movie Drumline runs this thing… so yeah, it sucks.

Real World

Spoiler alert: THIS S~~~ STILL COMES ON T.V. I thought this went off the air in 1999, but NO, it’s still on. They still go get seven random douchebags and have them live in a mansion, and then they flood it with alcohol and act surprised when someone flips out.

5. Rings

Let me get this straight. A man owes a girl an engagement ring that means he promises to marry her? Then when he marries her he owes her another ring? The guy has to wear a wedding ring as well? What man have you ever met that likes to wear rings? Why not make it fair? If a woman gets an engagement ring, then shouldn’t a man get an engagement big screen HDTV or an engagement motorcycle? Giving a man a wedding ring is like giving a snowman a bottle of tanning oil, we don’t want that s~~~!

6. 50% Of All Marriages End In Divorce

Marriages are only 50/50. What other long term commitment would ANYONE make if it only had a 50/50 shot at success? Would you buy a car if right before I sold it to you I said, “Ok, so this thing will only start 50% of the time and that’s the best you can hope for?”

Divorce can cost you big bucks. Child support and spousal support are just 2 areas that can kill your wallet. Spousal support makes absolutely NO SENSE! Paying spousal support is such a scam. The idea that I am legally obligated to pay for some lazy ass girl that I don’t even like anymore is nuts. If I get fired my former employer doesn’t keep paying me. Paying spousal support is like renting a car then returning it, but the rental place calls me every time the car is rented and expects me to pay for oil changes.

7. Sex with Only One Person for the Rest of Your Life

There is not a man alive that doesn’t shutter at the thought of never having sex with another woman again. Vaginas are like cars, you appreciate the one you have but you always want to get inside a new one. Sex with one girl, no matter how good it is, will become boring and routine. If every day for dinner you gave a man lobster, it wouldn’t take long before he would be willing to fist fight a grizzly bear for a chance to have a burger.

8. Blowjobs Go Extinct

WHEN DID THIS S~~~ GO OUT OF STYLE? Now that you’re married, blowjobs belong in the same category as bellbottom pants, shag carpeting, 8-trackplayers, jerry curls and cheap gasoline. You’re never going to see that s~~~ again! Before you got married your woman would go down faster than Enron stock. Once you’re married your wife will treat your penis like kids playing dodge ball, the goal is to never take it in the face. In a marriage women are allowed to simply stop performing any wifely duties without question. I think men should start doing the same thing with their husbandly duties. For example, the next time you’re both asleep and it’s 3am and you hear glass break down stairs and your wife looks at you and says, “Go see what that was.” I suggest you look right back at her and say, “No. YOU go see what that noise was, the pistol’s under bed…good luck.”

9. Your Freedom is Gone

The days when you could go and come as you please are over. Once you’re married your wife will ask more questions about where you’re going than a parole officer. Married guys have less freedom then a Guantanamo Bay prisoner. Being married is like being a prisoner of war… the only difference is at least POWs have hope because they can be rescued. If you’re married, I’m sorry, but Seal Team Six is not coming to help you.

Take these words to be true my brothers and remember, they can take our lives but they can never take ……OUR FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

here are 2 articles I came by which are awesome and funny at the same time.I totally lost it, but I’ll post it here when I find it. there are plenty of lists online but those are funny and true at the same time :)

 

2015-07-04 at 3:09 PM#78894

Brace
Participant

467
someone plz tell me how to copy a text without this crazy formatting. how to remove it ?????!!!!
2015-07-04 at 3:36 PM#78901

Brace
Participant

467

http://www.brobible.com/life/article/why-you-should-not-get-married/
I can no longer edit the main post, plz admin remove the formatting or delete the thread I’ll create anew one, this is mess.
2015-07-04 at 3:54 PM#78911

Anonymous
42
@headon, before you post, in the upper right hand corner are two tabs Visual/Text, click from Visual to Text and back to Visual and all the hypertext will magically appear for deleting, cleanup can be done this way without posting it first…
2015-07-04 at 4:01 PM#78915

Brace
Participant

467
Anonymous wrote:
@headon, before you post, in the upper right hand corner are two tabs Visual/Text, click from Visual to Text and back to Visual and all the hypertext will magically appear for deleting, cleanup can be done this way without posting it first…
thanks I have figured out how to do it by copying into an online tool to remove the coding but it’s too late sense I can no longer edit the main post
2015-07-04 at 6:13 PM#78939

Soldier-Medic
Participant

2566
If I am programming a long rant, I write it in MS Wordpad fist. Then copy and paste.
Brace wrote:
Living with a woman is like living on another planet where logic has not been discovered yet.
I love this one.
Brace wrote:
You might not realize it but getting married means you just signed up for a lifetime of random events you don’t want to go to. Every few days your wife will tell you about some dumb ass event she wants to go to, and you HAVE to come too.
I lived this one.
Brace wrote:
Child support and spousal support are just 2 areas that can kill your wallet.
I dodged this bullet. She has a college degree and a job, and I sued for joint custody during the divorce. I own my own home and my money get spent the way I want. Intelligently.

"I asked you a question. I didn't ask you to repeat what the voices in you head are telling you" ~ Me. ........Yes I'm still angry.
2015-07-04 at 7:07 PM#78955

Brace
Participant

467
Hey medic thanks for the advice, I’ll sure do that next time.
And yes the article is pretty funny and I am glad things worked for u in the end, u sure dodged a bullet, a deady one if I may say. 🙂
2015-07-04 at 7:08 PM#78956

Brace
Participant

467
Here is the other post, pretty halarious as well.
http://www.nairaland.com/1978856/seven-reasons-why-should-neverreaders
discretion adviced: this is a long post. get a bowl of popcorn and your glasses. turn off the TV , you don’t want to get distracted. if it took me time to write such a lengthy post, I wonder why you should complain about reading it. below are the reasons.

1. We’re too different to live together: women love people and relationships, men love objects (like cars, houses, gadgets, game consoles etc), a man’s lot is his career, a woman’s is marriage (according to the curse after the fall of man), women are indirect, men are always direct, men want sex before they develop feelings for women, women can’t have sex without emotional attachment first(unless they r who.res, even if they are who.res lolzzz), a man wants to hv sex, a woman wants to make love (I swear she doesn’t even mind just cuddling), men see having dinner as a time to quench hunger, women see having dinner as time for bonding, let me continue? A married man without money feels unfulfilled, a wealthy woman without a man feels similarly, I can go on and on! But no time, my point, you need a lot of patience, tolerance, understanding, endurance, compromise etc to survive in marriage. But life is too short, stay single and be free to be urself or get married and spend the rest of your life struggling to be another person. Continue reading, this is just one of seven.

2. Love doesn’t exist: if you intend to stake your future with a woman on an emotion as erratic as love, then you need to have ur head examined. Love is an emotional convulsion which, like other sicknesses, are recovered from with time. Experience has thought me that a woman’s love is only skin deep, but you can accentuate it with money. Ohhhh how women react to the smell of cash. Bleep love and go make some muller.

3. You don’t need a child: the world will remember you by the kids you left behind. That’s a big fat lie!! You don’t need a carbon copy of yourself roaming the earth after your demise to ensure your immortality. Instead, the world will remember you by the feats you surmounted! Obama will be remembered not as the father of, I don’t even know his child’s name and I don’t give a fvck bout it! But as the first black US President. Mother Theresa never had a child, Einstein’s legacy is not his kids but his discoveries. My point! You are not remembered by the kids you had but the records you set. But if you badly want a kid, adopt one, or get a baby mama and impregnate her but never, never get married just to have kids. marriage is too great a price to pay.

4. There is absolutely nothing new marriage has to offer you: just be honest with yourself. A family? You already belong to one (or do you think you just appeared out of thin air?), love? Your mother loves you like die, trust moi. A woman to manage your home? Get a maid! pay her well and she will manage your home without complications like disrespecting you, PMS, etc. Sex? Gone are the days men marry for sex ooo!!! Sex is damn cheap, you don’t need marriage to enjoy it. By the way, what makes you think getting married entitles you to sex when you want it, ie, if at all?? U never jam female Hitler. Continue reading, I’m not even close to the end.

5. Marriage is expensive: a woman’s problems end when she gets married (at least on financial level), while a man’s problems just begin. Most ladies don’t have plans of making money(some stop after getting married). for a woman, after graduating from uni, a husband is top on d list above a job ie, if a job is on the list. Guys, stay alone and worry for one. Apart from financially, marriage drains you emotionally. You have to deal with a partner suffering from PMS five days in a month for life (by the time she reaches menopause, you’d be probably dead) and when she ain’t suffering PMS, its worse cos she is pregnant!! Don’t forget regular mood swings, test games, among other complicated female emotional ailments. Plus wait till you get divorced before you know how much financially and emotionally expensive marriage could be. That brings us to…

6. It may end up in divorce: possible causes of divorce. She gains weight, sex with one person for years gone stale and boring, the love (or whatever dumb ass name you call it) fades, you want a new woman, (men are polygamous by nature, hard truth. Deal with it), she is no longer the woman you married, (true, women do change after marriage for many reasons, that is story for another day), you cheat on her, she cheats on you, many many more. Don’t scar yourself with a painful divorce. Stay single and happy.

7. You get to focus on your dreams without distractions. Like I said earlier, a man’s career is his lot (or curse). As s man if you haven’t got a successful career, you will probably die unhappy and unproductive. The compromise you have to make to keep her happy will slowpoke you from achieving your dreams to the fullest. Pleasing a woman and pursuing your dreams are mutually exclusive. don’t get married.

disclaimer: its ironic when people say honesty is a virtue yet can’t bear to hear (or read) the truth.

nota bene: I am not prejudiced towards women. I hate all equally
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