At the time I married both of my ex-wives, both women thought feminism was ridiculous. It’s not that they were in favor of men’s rights or anything; they were just generally libertarian like me and didn’t see the reason to politicize or regulate how men and women interact.
So we seemed to be in synch about how men and women are supposed to interact. I married them. Five years pass, seven years pass. We got to the point where things are bland and comfortable. Not a bad thing.
But one day a change is needed. In one instance, I need to put my nose to the grindstone and spend more time at work. And wife #1 is a pampered narcissist who wants me around full-time as her toy. She doesn’t want me having a life separate from hers; she gets bored. With wife #2, it’s the opposite: I’m retiring and coming home. Wife #2 has had the house to herself for the better part of a decade and frankly doesn’t want me underfoot.
And suddenly they’re both playing the victim. I negotiate with them, try to give them other options, make trade-offs with them. They don’t want to hear it. They figured they married into a certain cosy arrangement, and they don’t want it to change. If I’m asking for change, I must be a bad husband. So #1 is accusing me of bowing out of the relationship and reacting by trying to sabotage me at every turn; and #2 is downloading articles on spouse abuse and trying to prove to me that every word I say to her is abuse in some fashion or another.
It was ridiculous: Both marriages had been perfectly fine up to that point. In fact, both wives were so satisfied with the marriages that they were really just trying to keep things exactly the same. They didn’t want to give up a cushy position and allow for change. So they tried to gain leverage by suddenly claiming I’m a rotten husband.
So here’s how I see it:
Women can legitimately say that they aren’t feminists. But the second things don’t go their way, feminism and “playing the victim” is an easy weapon they can pick up and use against men.
The *real* rules of the game call for women to “man up” and negotiate in good faith: Work out a compromise and stick to it. But “playing the victim” is so much easier. Feminism as a weapon is all around us: It’s tempting and easy to pick up and use that weapon on the men around them. In a way, I don’t blame them. It’s so much a part of our culture that it would take real strength of character for them to forgo it.
But it makes women as a whole unreliable. When things don’t go their way will they negotiate in good faith, as an equal, or will they take the easy route and start playing the victim? My two exes both insisted at the start that feminism and playing the victim was horses~~~. But once the bloom was off the rose and things had to change a bit and it came time to really negotiate, they both took the easy route: They claimed they were being victimized and started looking for any way they could find to turn me into a bad husband. Even though the marriage had been perfectly fine up to that point. Even though they were just trying to keep things the same and hang onto long-standing privileges.
Just my own experience, of course. But that’s why I won’t marry again. Women can start out with their heads on straight at the start. But things change over time, and “playing the victim” is just too tempting an option when it’s time to face some hard choices. There are a million feminist resources all around us on how to “play the victim.” And as the relationship goes on and on and gets a little old and frayed at the edges, it’s just too tempting for women to go the victim route instead of negotiating on a level playing field.
Anonymous 4 years, 7 months ago.
