Called a Truce

[TrapperParticipant 2912]

Last time I was home from the oilfield I fought a week long battle.

I got my ass kicked.

It started with a scratching sound under my shower in the bathroom. Scared the hell out of me since I was taking a shower at the time. I quickly went to investigate. I had concerns about a possible skunk run in, but pressed forward. To my relief as I wedged my way into the crawl space created for midgets (little people?) a large silver grey squirrel shot past me. I calmly slammed my head into a floor joist as it streaked by.

As I reverse belly crawled out I fired off a stream of curse words at the bushy tail intruder. It had little effect as the squirrel shot up a tree and escaped through the canopy of other trees. I walked to the porch and had a beer plotting my next move.

I couldn’t shoot it since my firearms are currently with my brother in Alaska. I’d have to outsmart it. The squirrel seemed okay with this.

Day 2

Spotted the bastard dumping out my bird feeder. Charged onto my porch full speed without realizing the rain had made it slicker than grease. I was able to perform a complete double windmill with both arms before slamming ass first onto the porch. The squirrel shot up a tree and escaped through the canopy of other trees. I cracked a beer and sulked on the porch… rubbing my ass…Plotting

Day 3

I have gathered my weapons. They include a shovel, nail gun, a homemade slingshot and several baseb~~~~. The squirrel seems okay with this.

I hear a scratching from under the shower around 2 pm. This time I make it off the porch and grab the shovel. Knowing the squirrel is using a hole under my crawl space door I run around the the house to beat it to the opening. I have the shovel over my shoulder like the hammer of Thor as I round the corner of the house, promptly tripping over my garden hose hooked to a spigot. The shovel keeps going as I go down. I didn’t land hard however my kneecap came down on a sharp rock. The squirrel popped out completely unconcerned. Climbed up a tree and escaped through the canopy of other trees.

Thankfully my niece gave me a first aid kit before I moved.

30 minutes later I was standing on my porch with a beer…plotting. A spungebob square pants band aid on my knee. The squirrel now seems amused.

Day 4

I have removed a window screen and standby all day with my nail gun. No squirrel. Finish the day on my porch with a beer. Plotting

Day 5

Catch squirrel dumping bird feeder again. Slide window open with the care of a cat burglar. Take aim with the nail gun. Slowly exhale as I squeeze the trigger…nothing happens. Damnit! Forget to depress the safety mechanism. Pull it back and fire. My gun has no b~~~~. The noise causes the squirrel to shoot up the tree escaping through the canopy of other trees. I go to my porch.

Day 6

Catch the fur ball sitting under my pickup. Oddly close to my brake line. Scheming. I grab a baseball. Aim low as to not hit my Toyota and fire. Indeed I hit low! The ball one hopped and dented my rear quarter panel. Squirrel goes to the tree, I’m already on my porch.

Day 7

The bastard was on my porch! The cheeky fellow was chilling out on the railing, just looking at me. That’s when I noticed it was a male. Big set of b~~~~ resting on my porch rail. He scampered off as I stepped out. I changed my approach.

Since this was also a bachelor I new I wouldn’t have a litter of squirrels running around. I blocked his entrance to the crawl space and put a squirrel guard on my bird feeder. I called a truce. The squirrel seemed okay with this.

Within 3 days the squirrel is eating peanuts at my feet. So now it’s two bachelors, kicking back on the porch, having a beer and protecting our nuts. Not to bad really…at least it’s not a cat

[AutoliteParticipant]

Trapper wrote:

Not to bad really…at least it’s not a cat

You wouldn’t want my cats. These are semi-feral miserable and vicious little f~~~ers who’ll kill anything that they can get there claws into. Mice, birds, squirrels and Pomeranians under 2 kilos…

[JVBParticipant]

Great post brother. If you had killed it you wouldn’t be hanging out with your new bro. Thanks for not doing it. Please MGTOW brothers think twice before killing a sentient being. Cheers.

Peace is > piece.

[HitmanParticipant]

that was great !
you have to name the squirrel dude.
aaaaaaand i’m drawing a blank.
what’s a good name for a squirrel ???

[PistolPeteParticipant 27143]

Great story—but I say shoot him, and eat him. Skin him, bone him broil him up and mix with gravy over biscuits.

[TrapperParticipant 2912]

Hitman wrote:

that was great !
you have to name the squirrel dude.
aaaaaaand i’m drawing a blank.
what’s a good name for a squirrel ???

Yeah, been calling him bandit. Since he kept stealing all the bird food and breaking in.

[HitmanParticipant]

Bandit is an excellent name for him !!!
..it would make a very cool avatar as well..

[TaxGuyParticipant]

I had a squirrel like that at an old house. I kept feeding him until he eventually ate out of my hand. Then I would look outside and he would be looking in the house waiting to be fed. I called him Buddha because he got to be such a fat little bastard.

He’s going to miss you when you leave.

Order the good wine

[Point Of No ReturnParticipant 4074]

PistolPete wrote:

Great story—but I say shoot him, and eat him. Skin him, bone him broil him up and mix with gravy over biscuits.

That’s what my great grandma used to do, no grocery stores back in her days especially in her neck of the woods. Bandit, well, he was just simply, Dinner.

Know when it is your duty to give them zero explanations for your actions.

[sparcsParticipant 130]

Watch this, it will help you get psyched for the upcoming challenge.

[xenonParticipant 2007]

I had an ex wife make peace with the squirrel population here. They got addicted to constant peanut treats and when she inevitably left, they did not forget. Destroyed screens trying to get in. I have two cats. One is ancient and sleeps all day on fleece, the other is a quick agile model and he takes care of all manner of home invaders. The squirrels now stick to the trees and my screens are left alone. I have had neighbors who would get so friendly with them they would climb up to a peanut placed on a shoulder. Not for me. I like them as I do any beautiful furry critter, but they are not welcome inside or trying to get inside. Trees are where they belong.

Aside, ex wife adopted and then abandoned both cats when her turn on the carousel came back up. Typical. It was my fault they turned their furry little backs to her. Of course it was. They did me proud that day. Tails in the air and contempt just oozing from them both. Cats are excellent at projecting contempt. No holding back there.

[Mr. ManParticipant 2916]

Hitman wrote:

that was great !
you have to name the squirrel dude.
aaaaaaand i’m drawing a blank.
what’s a good name for a squirrel ???

Bandit is good, but this particular fellow needs some regal modifier, like Sir Bandit B~~~~inthroth. Or something.

[Author]

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