There was not a care in the world as I loaded my BB gun, and sat behind a tree on a hill dressed out in my camo. My best friend was beside me doing the same. Across the way were our foes, actually friends from down the street, hiding behind a large dirt mound that was dumped for a new construction site about to be built near our neighborhood. The battle about to start had intensity and comradery I can still feel today. I was 12 at the time.
Go carts, dirt bikes, BB guns, Fishing, building forts and skateboard ramps, fist fights, board games, Atari, king of the hill, baseball, exploring through the forest are but a few of the activities my friends and I enjoyed with each other. No girls were ever present, and in fact shunned at the time.
By the time the high school years rolled around most perspectives of fun in life changed. I wanted a car, a side job for pocket money, along with good friends to do whatever with, and other things. The girls at this point were noticed, but I did not ever really pursue them. Some of my friends had “girlfriends”. So much time and energy were expended on these girlfriends to the detriment of our friendship. Well, that was not for me. I had too many other interests to get involved in. I had flings/get togethers/etc. on quite a few occasions, but I never constrained myself to a relationship. This did not last.
When I met my first wife thoughts of life changed. We hit it off right off the bat. I actually relished her company in general, and also, rabbits, gentlemen. Like rabbits I tell you. Wow, what a high!
Almost everything was dropped to support this new want/desire. You guys all have similar stories of the relationship slide and can understand things turned out quite crappy.
Now, during the time of the last two “marriages” I found other activities to indulge in. I became a Master Scuba Diver, started rock climbing, was still hunting and fishing, riding my Harley, playing golf, running triathlons, and other things. Guys, these are the things I had dreamed of doing when I was younger.
The question has now become; how could I have had such a fulfilling life in adolescence without female involvement while having unfulfilled toys of grandeur? Now that I have toys and adventures galore there is a feeling of being unfulfilled. Is this back asswards, or what?
That 12 year old is screaming to go out a play, but the hormones and experiences with females keep me wanting. There has never been a good balance of the two. Too much involvement in one direction or the other leaves me unsatisfied now…
but I have been burned! First marriage the only thing I left with was a TV. I moved to an apartment – the first time I ever lived alone and on my own. I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor with no furniture (tables, chairs, bed, etc.) of any kind. I rebuilt everything, and I owe child support for another four years. On the second “marriage” I left with only an antique chest of drawers and what I brought to the relationship from past. Well, with the future she told me I was not investing in I bought my own home, appliances, and furniture – 401(k) loan covered all new expenses. No other correspondence has been had with this woman which is now six months after the fact of pulling up anchor. Everything else was left for the females to squander. NOT! DOING! THIS! AGAIN!
How do you cope with the 12 year old’s wants/desires compared to the lizard brain wanting the honey? This is something a quick fling, hand, or flesh toy (yes, got one recently, and it is not all that) cannot replace.
Your thoughts?
To be clear, I feel very good about my station right now. The future is envisioned to be bright. I’ve started new hobbies. My home is more clean and organized than when I ever lived with a woman. I’ve started cooking for myself. I handle all my need to do chores, and as such, have ample time for myself. I can eat when, where, and what I want. Life, in some ways feels really good.
On the other side of the spectrum, I believe I’m still sulking in some fashion. There is no outward appearance of such feelings, but they are there lurking. The feeling of something missing, and unfulfilled. Some days my motivation is lacking. The loneliness feels endless.
After being told that all my decisions made were mistakes, I don’t provide for the household as I should, That there was never any intimacy felt from her, that the house and belongings were hers, the disloyalty, lying, cheating, indifference from her… why should I still feel as though I’m missing or missing out on something significant?
This boggles my mind.
I’ve lost myself, and am having difficulty overcoming this want of a “woman”. I understand the pitfalls/dangers completely, but find it very hard to move back to the adolescent mindset of not needing “her”.
Yes, I know, for it will only take time to diminish the heartache, but it should never come to this.
Boys/men are told of how it should be. Our dreams/desires are put on hold, or maybe even thrown out. We indulge the belief and societal norms only to be plundered and ruined. How the lying is so easy for “her”. How the indifference she exhibits is never acknowledged by “her”. How cold of a mind, and how twisted a soul to express the “love story” to “her” man only to not live it “herself”.
I guess the thing that bites me the most is the fact that we, as men, are expected to give up all to indulge “her”, while “she” is expected to do the same, and “she” never does. As a bonus, “she” is always the victim of boredom, abuse, etc. She gets a pass, and is righteous in collapsing the relationship in other’s eyes.
We live in a civilization cultivated from our ancestor’s experiences. A civilization is where people are expected to be civil to one another, or be seen as an outcast/barbarian. Why is society not treating women in this manner, for they do not express civil behavior?
Well, anyway, after work today I’m headed to the gun range to shoot, and it is not a BB gun I play with anymore. I’ll be taking one of my .308s and the .45 ACP. Yes, I talk to my 12 year old self a lot these days. He tells me he wants to kick my ass, and I believe him.
Enjoy and indulge in those adolescent dreams/desires.
Anonymous 2 years, 10 months ago.
