I have been dating her for a couple of years and we recently had some discussions around our future together, marriage and kids.
She makes about $35K a year and has $70K in student debt. She wants to stop working or work reduced hours after having kids.

I make three times as much and I do not think it is fair that I be expected to repay her student loans. She has not said it,
but it is assumed that if I am the only earner if/when she quits her job, that I will be expected to repay her student loans.

I am sure the fact that I make three times as much will act against me in one way or another when she quits her job
to take care of kids or pursue her interests, even when I am not the one asking her to quit her job.

Anyone here been in a similar situation ?

She makes about $35K a year and has $70K in student debt. She wants to stop working or work reduced hours after having kids

YoursTruly wrote:

it is assumed that if I am the only earner if/when she quits her job, that I will be expected to repay her student loans.

YoursTruly wrote:

I am sure the fact that I make three times as much will act against me in one way or another when she quits her job to take care of kids or pursue her interests, even when I am not the one asking her to quit her job.

Red flags, red flags, RED FLAGS.

Dude, I never been into a relationship, but even to ME those sentences are huge INDICATORS of things to come.

My suggestion? Bail… BAIL NOW.

Good luck.

Assuming you intend to continue in the face of the evidence. The “discussion” (singular) should be what is referred to in some circles as a one way conversation and should run as follows:

You: Your debts are your responsibility and there won’t be any kids until you have either paid them off or are in a position to do so. Until that time we will both continue using birth control, clear?
Her: Yes.

Any disagreement on her part… NEXT

ARE YOU F~~~ING OUT OF YOUR F~~~ING MIND?

Tell you what …. dump her ass … and send me all your money. Hell I’ll even give you a 15% rebate.

It gotta go sit down … I’m going to blow an artery …..

F~~~ me ….. what the f~~~ is the matter with guys. No f~~~ing wonder women walk all over us.

Honestly, I don’t think you can marry someone in this day and age who says they don’t plan on working.  She’s not your dependent, and the government says you can’t treat her as such regardless.  So what happens if you marry her is, she gets pregnant right away, and then when she goes on maternity leave she doesn’t go back to work…ever.  She stops dating you because pregnancy, and you’re suppossed to man up and understand .  You went from taking care of yourself to 2 dependents in a matter of 9 months.  One of them whines and cries all the time and the other is a baby.  Plus the no-collateral debt.  If you then divorce her, you possibly have alimony.  You have child support for 18 years for a child you don’t get to see very often.  You have $35k in debt from student loans, plus whatever debt she occurred while married.

Where is the upside to this scenario?

Anyone here been in a similar situation ?

No and I thank my personal God. But it sure looks like she followed the “How to turn my husband into a wallet” handbook – step by step.

$35K and $70K in student debt is unacceptable.
You can make 35K pumping coffee at Starbucks and get full dental coverage for your family too.

• Realize the credit situation.
• Find a man to fall in “love” who will sign a marriage contract.
• Allow myself to get pregnant. Twice. (even without discussing it with him)
• Use “the kids” as an excuse to drop working.
• Get the husband to pay it while I run around in the sunshine with a couple of toddlers
• When student debts are paid off, file an “abuse” charge when he gets p~~~ed off at me.
• Get the house, keep the kids, collect a monthly check forever after we have been married for 10 years.
• Move my new boyfriend in.

The amount of times I have seen this script play out would turn your hair white.

Fortunately, I don’t THINK “student loans” qualify as something a spouse is responsible for. I looked this up just a couple of weeks ago on the topic of what spousal debts a husband is financially responsible for. That was the general response, but I don’t know how solid it is. If you were to divorce her today, she would pay it. Credit card and automotive is a different story. But student loans – if she had it BEFORE the wedding – are still her responsibility. But please don’t quote me.

DO NOT GET THIS WOMAN PREGNANT!

If WHEN she inevitably gets herself pregnant GET A PATERNITY TEST!

Be out of the picture long before that happens!

In fact, I strongly recommend you get a vasectomy now because when she finally works out she can’t get into your wallet with a ring on her finger, she’ll try to do it through the delivery room.

If you make the mistake of marrying this leech her debts will become your debts. Your paying them off will NOT count in the inevitable divorce settlement. Her desire to quit her job and go into mommy retirement will NOT come up in the inevitable divorce. Instead it will be her “sacrificing her career for the sake of the family” and you who “stole her career” by “getting her pregnant”. And since she will have no personal income, YOU will be responsible for her legal costs in the inevitable divorce. YOU will be responsible for her debts. You WILL lose half of everything you have worked so hard to accumulate so far, and THAT IS JUST THE BEGINNING. The more you earn now the higher the living standard to which she will have “become accustomed” so the more you will have to pay in alimony. And don’t get me started on child support for kids that in more than one out of three cases won’t even be yours.

Do you understand that you have nothing to gain by marrying this woman and everything to lose? But she has nothing to lose and everything to gain, so of course she’s talking marriage. Don’t listen.

After you dump this leech don’t be surprised if she’s found some other chump to marry. Because to her it’s not about you at all. You don’t matter to her. It’s about your stuff. Or his stuff. Or the stuff of any one of all the men on the planet who are utterly interchangeable and disposable to her, just so long as they have stuff for her.

Don’t give her your stuff. Don’t marry her. Don’t impregnate her. And be gone before she finds out you’re opting out.

BritGHOW wrote:

You: Your debts are your responsibility and there won’t be any kids until you have either paid them off or are in a position to do so. Until that time we will both continue using birth control, clear?
Her: Yes.

And then she starts poking holes in your condoms. Ooops!

Don’t let that happen. Get a vasectomy or dump her. Those are the only options.

Keymaster wrote:

But student loans – if she had it BEFORE the wedding – are still her responsibility. But please don’t quote me.

Only if the judge says they are. He could also order a debt consolidation and put the burden on the man because she has no personal income and “it’s in the best interest of the children”.

When in doubt, don’t marry. Even if there are no doubts, don’t marry.

You marry her and HER debt becomes YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!   Average child costs 50k in medical bills, got good coverage?

Do you know how much credit card debt she has?  Many men only find out about the maxed credit cards until after the marriage.  Get all her debt on the table.  At least so you know how heavy the baggage will be when she throws it on you.

What the hell was her major where she can ding 70k in student loans and be only making 35k in the job market?  Please don’t say women’s studies…

Frankly, its highly likely that she sees you as a good provider, good father and get out of debt free card.

What the hell was her major where she can ding 70k in student loans and be only making 35k in the job market?

I dated one like this.  Social work.

@op – There is an interesting dynamic at work here…you’ll probably find yourself in a situation like mine.  Let’s just say right now your net worth is 50k and she is at -100k because she’s got some credit card debt and a car payment.  If you marry her right now and basically split your net worth and her debt, you are instantly losing 75k.

Now you proposed the idea of having her pay off her debt before you marry her.  Even if you totally support her so 100% of her income can go to her debt…its still going to take her at least 4 years to pay it up after you factor in taxes.

Meanwhile in that 4 years if you are smart with your money, your net worth could easily be over 200k.  If your worth 200k and marry someone worth 0, you just lost 100k instantly.  The raw financial deal you would get from marrying her is just going to get worse the longer you wait, and her being debt free in 4 years would probably be only possible if you were supporting her, or she got a second job.

But with that being said…most girls are idiots with finances and in debt.  You probably won’t find one without any debt, let alone a good job and savings.  Even the ones that make decent money still love to pay minimum on their debt and waste all their money on dumb s~~~.  If you like the girl a lot and want kids, I’d just tell her I’d have a family with her but I’m not marrying her.  Don’t mix your finances with her or have any joint accounts…at least you’ll be in control financially and the worst she could ever do to you is child support…which is a lot less painful that child support + half your assets + assuming half her debt.  If she says no marriage no kids, tell her bye…unless you pretty much want to hand over 75,000 dollars to her just for being with you.