First, I realize I have actually made some pretty decent friends at my now former job.  These are guys that have been in the trenches with me in this hell hole called “work”.  This group of guys went out and got me a cake and we hung out and shared it while shooting the b.s.  I have to say I was really touched at the fact that these guys thought enough of me to make such a kind gesture.  I feel really weird about it.  First, I guess it has been a very long time…perhaps even a lifetime that anyone reached out and treated me with that brand of kindness.  I was really blown away by their gesture and felt kind of sad as I said my goodbyes to everyone.  I have been dying to get out of this job and now that I am finally able to walk out for the last time I am truly sad about it.  Then….

I am driving home about 4am.  It’s a cool wet Saturday morning.  I have the windows on my car cracked enjoying the cool damp morning air.  I have B.B. King on the radio.  I’m in no rush.  There’s no traffic.  I’m just taking my time cruising, listening to B.B. and reflecting…then…my mind starts drifting as I am looking around this familiar city from which I am about to move thinking, “This is probably the last time I’m going to drive this route that I’ve driven hundreds of times.”  Then the thoughts and vivid mental images of “her”…”the one” start flooding my mind.  I start thinking about how perfect things seemed in the beginning and how good it made me feel.  Then I realize that’s gone and I will never reclaim that feeling again.  Maybe “she” was a lie but damn it felt good for a while when it seemed real.  I realize that I cannot afford to let my guard down like that for anyone ever again.  It’s self-preservation.  She left a huge indelible scar on my heart, mind, and soul.  It was a heavy toll to pay for a fleeting moment of fantasy.  The truth is ugly but in the truth we can survive.  As Stevie said, “The Wall of Denial must tumble down…”  Indeed, the wall fell and left me exposed, wounded, and naked.  One step forward, ten steps back.  It sucks…but I am trying to survive.  I have to survive.   “How?” is the question.

Yes, the psyche is a cruel trickster sometimes….thanks for indulging my ramblings.  I had to get this out.

You never get over this sort of pain. It dulls but it is always there. It is a reminder not to put yourself in a position of getting hurt like that again because it’s as bad for your health as placing your hand on a stove.

When we were 2 we learned to stay away from the stove, not by being told by our mothers, by 2 most kids know their parents are liars.

No, we learn not to touch the stove by touching the stove, being burned and the pain is so severe that we never do it again.

My point is that the pain of being treated like s~~~ in a relationship, which accounts for 90% of relationships in the west, doesn’t go away like a burnt finger. It lingers on and may never go away.

It has to be figured in to the cost of a relationship when you are considering, against your brothers advice, to get into one.

It’s a real kicker because it comes from the blue, when watching tv, playing with kids, ordering a burger ….. on the drive home. It waits for when our guard is down.

But ….. just remember how you ended up driving you car home this morning. Why you’re moving. How it all ended.

Reach down and peel the lid off of that ‘if only’ feeling and smell the real s~~~ that happened.

We are men and we CAN love. Because it ends, doesn’t mean the love goes away …… we just do.

Be strong and walk your path. It will pass my friend.

I do still desire to be in a loving relationship, but not with her.  I don’t have a face for the woman I’m with in those dreams.  It bothers me tremendously that I can’t trust this faceless woman, even though I know nothing about her yet and she has done nothing to lose my trust.  I often wonder if, even though the high risks are true, if giving up on a trusting relationship is missing out on life.  As if I should considering taking a chance despite the risk.  It doesn’t really matter though, as I haven’t meet anyone since my divorce where the risk was possibly worth the reward.

Thankfully, in my life most of my friends that were worth their salt are still my friends. I’ve been extraordinarily lucky in that regard. I’ve been allowed to keep my friendships for many years some of them now being counted in decades. It is a rather large blessing if you ask me. I wish you luck in this new adventure of yours and hope that your worries too slide into background noise.

I know I have been a somewhat “hardcore” MGTOW presence on this site since I joined.  I like to share insights.  I like to make people smile and laugh.  But on the inside I am a bit of a clown with tears behind the makeup.  I have let bitterness and anger get the best of me these past few years.  I’m f~~~ing injured in a way I’ve never experienced in my life.  I am making an honest effort for healing by doing my best to be a kinder, gentler man.  God has led me to the conclusion that I need to work on patience and understanding, both with myself and others.  That’s probably why I’ve spent the past 2 1/2 years working in isolation in the middle of the night;  I needed to be alone with my pain so I could receive divine revelation about my situation.  This is not to say I will be a doormat for anyone.  There is a BIG difference between meekness and weakness.  Unfortunately, the world at large often mistakes a man’s meekness for weakness.  This is a critical error on the behalf of others.  However, as a man learning to be meek, I do have a choice in how I react to the malicious intent of others.  I can’t own the feelings or intents of others.  I can only control how I react or do not react.

In conclusion, I think most any human being with a soul feels the compulsion to love and be loved.  It’s in our nature.  Otherwise, how would we wind up here at the MGTOW emergency room seeking critical care and advice to be better human beings moving forward.  I think of this site in the context of Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”  I hope I can/have sharpened others here by being open and offering advice.  I know I have been sharpened by others here.  That’s what make this place unique and special in my humble opinion.