It’s taken me a while to get it together enough to sound coherent for I have kept a lid on this for everyone’s sanity

However, I consider you guys also nuts and therefore can take this s~~~ that will hopefully relieve me of some of the responsibility 🙂

And there ….. just right there is my problem … I turn everything into a f~~~ing joke in order to be ‘normal’

So here it is, why I’m a walking talking dead man:

I was sitting on the upper stairs hand rail. Looking two floors down. I checked that my DIY efforts would hold up to the ‘drop’. The last thing I wanted for my daughter was an expensive repair bill.

Being a guy that takes pride in his work, I think I’d done a good job. Time would tell. Having pride in my work and organisational skills I had also hopefully sorted all the paperwork …. Note, WILL, money etc.  Also to save work for others I had cleaned the house, done the washing and emptied the bins. Hell I even had a plastic sheet on the ground floor just in case I p~~~ed or s~~~ myself … or if my calculations were completely wrong …. I pulled my head off.

Being a pilot and skydiver I knew that checklists are of the upmost importance to complete a safe deployment/flight and I had just completed the most important of my life:

1. Go to toilet, void bowels & bladder CHECK
2. Shower & shave CHECK
3. Put on dust coverall CHECK
4. Outer door open CHECK
5. Inner door open with note not to enter but call police CHECK
6. Note on floor behind inner door explaining what’s happened CHECK
7. Documents folder on coffee table for police and lawyers CHECK
8. Note on my chest giving approx. time & date of death CHECK
9. Electronic air fresheners new and on CHECK

You get the idea  I hope.

I’m calm, very very calm. I have not felt this way for many years. It’s the most beautiful of feelings … almost like I’m at the doors of heaven knowing soon they will open for me.

Now is my time, my moment ….. the one decision that I as a man am allowed to make. I am the lawyer, judge, jury and executioner. I have at last found control over my life.

Most of my adult life I have been numb and it has served me well. I was seen as a focused person that didn’t crack under pressure. I was calm when all hell was breaking loose. Pressure just didn’t register with me.

Now at this moment it all became clear. The fog lifted and I could see what we now know as the Matrix.

As a child I was brought from Southern Ireland to London England. My family ended living in a room that you wouldn’t leave a dog in. I couldn’t understand why dad would walk up to lodgings, read a note on the door and just come back again and start walking. This happened for three day until dad talked to another man and we found the s~~~ hole we called home for three years.

Years later I found out that the notes on the doors were the now infamous ‘No Blacks, Dogs, No Irish’

I went through school being beaten almost every day because of where I was born. After being kicked out from them all for fighting back, my parents put me in a Catholic Monastery school run by Franciscan monks.There I was shown the pleasure of what real beatings really are and that a penis is not just for pee.

I left at 14 and that is when I found out that all that had gone before me was not wasted. I had been taught to ‘man up’ by everyone who pretended to care.
I manned up. Got a job cleaning motorcycles in a shop, was shown mechanics but most importantly I found men. Guys that joked with me, pulled s~~~ tests, poured oil down my pants.  They also took me under their wings and …. in a way only guys like that can …. loved me.

I saved up, got a bike. Passed truck test and drove trucks for a few years.  Took flying lessons. Became a flying instructor, sat commercial exams and finally got my first airline job.

I also flew jump ship for skydivers and started skydive. Life was good and I finally felt alive and going somewhere.

I’m going to have to be careful now so I will abridge:

A good friend came to my house saying his girlfriend and her dad were missing. They were not at work or with friends or family. This went on for three days until we finally broke in their house. My friend had a key but door wouldn’t open.

Long story short, they had been murdered and dismembered in their bathroom.

I can’t talk about what happened but this is still with me … in my dreams …. In certain triggers I still see in daily life.

I crumbled and more or less lost everything and spent several months ‘in hospital’. The only person that really helped me through that dark time was a male nurse at the hospital. He talked with me ‘man to man’ and not nurse to patient. He, Ian, saved me … gave me understanding and hope. Slowly I began seeing some light …. and hope started to grow in my soul.

I went back in the Matrix and drove trucks. No airline would take me with my newly acquired medical details.The only medication that worked was skydiving. It made me ‘feel’. I would be on a high for hours. The rush … the fear … the life … so exhilarating. I needed a way to get more of this drug as my trucking was not enough to live and fund my fix.

I want to the USA and trained as a skydive instructor and once back in the UK started a company that took novice skydivers and trained them up in Florida.
It f~~~ing took off … literally. I had to hire other guys to help me. I expanded to South Africa, France, Spain and all over the UK.
At last I felt alive … worth something  … contributing. I was putting back.

Then I got a phone call, my friend, skydive mentor and hero had been killed in an accident. He was under his chute and was hit by an aircraft which severed both his legs. I died inside and went straight back in the darkness.

Ian (my nurse) came to my house and stayed until I could sleep. He then called his friend to take shifts being with me. They pulled me through again.
I picked up what was left of the business and pushed on. I stopped going to the USA because I couldn’t face the memories.

I started going to Africa more and more. Things picked up. I brought people skydiving, converted my pilots licence and started flying jump planes in Africa. I also began operating photo safari trips.Again things grew and I realised that we have all these new skydivers and nothing for them to do. So I organised a party called a ‘boogie’ in Namibia Africa. We had 150+ jumpers from Europe and unknown amount interest from Africa.

Two week before this event I was back in the UK finalising stuff. I was on my motorcycle waiting at a set of red lights. I woke up in hospital three days later. I had been hit by a car that didn’t see me or the red light.

I had burst vertebra fractures of L2 L3 L4 & L5. Nerve damage to my right arm and severe neck muscle damage. I was in hospital for four months with complications and in a body cage for another five months.

Thank f~~~ I have insurance cover for this boogie in Africa, but again I was back to square one and lost it all over again.
It took another year to learn to walk properly.

I haven’t mentioned women in any of this because … well they will take up even more space. However, in amongst all this I had a child with an insane woman. Got married in Africa to a S. African. Fighting for custody of my daughter.

My ex-wife nursed me through this time and I still love her (don’t like her) for that.

Two years later we took the family for a holiday to Namibia. My wife, her mother, my daughter (from nutter relationship) and myself. We toured all over and tracked desert elephants which was wonderful. It really did lift me up AGAIN.

Three weeks later we were heading back to airport in our overland 4×4. We had one last mountain pass to clear before the highway.
As I rounded a corner, a rock had fallen from the cliff face and our 4×4 hit it. I tried to get control back. I had taken advanced overland driving courses so was aware of everything. Our 4×4 was long wheelbase loaded with fuel, water, equipment and two double roof tents.

We started fishtailing and I instantly knew we were in trouble. The road was narrow; to my left was a rock face, to my right a sheer 500ft drop. I knew I had to get us to hit the rock face. The problem was we were on a bend. The 4×4 turned a 180 but thank god moving towards the face. We were slowing … enough that I could slightly brake and was feeling the steering return.Just as I was getting it back, I noticed a drainage ditch and as I did, the wheels hit and we flipped.
We were trapped. The roof had crushed down.

My daughter got out with cuts and grazes, my wife was unhurt, I couldn’t feel or use my legs ….. my mother in law was dead.

We were there for 19 hours until a trucked came along. We spent the next three months in hospital, police investigation, and legal procedure for mum’s body.  We were not allowed to fly mums body home due to red tape. So we had to hire a trailer and another 4×4 and drive 3000 miles back to mums family and funeral. This journey saw me in prison, giving away £7000 in bribes and being forced at gun point to open the casket.

After 3 weeks back in the UK, I received a phone call from my GP. The hospital in Namibia had noticed something on my scans. Turns out I had a brain tumour and growths around my lower spine.

My wife had an affair while I was being treated. I lost my house and step daughter…… everything …. Except my daughter from the nutter.

So here I am, ready to go ….. I’m ready …. More than ready …. Willing.

I ready myself. I close my eyes and breathe one last breath in this world.

All calm … quite …. Tranquil

Then I hear it ….. a sound that tore through me …. Down down down in to my soul. Breaking the quite … the darkness and burning light everywhere.

The preschool opposite was coming out to play. The giggles, screams, joy and happiness …… all rushing inside me. I became disorientated, dizzy ….. sick ….. wanting to puke.

I blacked out and fell backwards on to the floor.

Being ‘infected’ with suicide …. for me …. Is a lifelong problem.  Like a recovering alcoholic …. still is … just doesn’t drink anymore.

I’m a suicidal that tries not to do it anymore. I think I’m winning because I’ve had … and still am having … s~~~ tests put my way. I know the signs, triggers and do my best to avoid/deal with them.

I’m working again, doing little trip to Africa. Groups of 4-6 people. It’s just me and I can handle that.

I have a little rented place with my daughter. I love her more each day. She keeps me grounded.

I don’t fear death …. Its life that’s the problem.

In all of the above I can honestly say that woman only helped me on a small and superficial level. When the going got tough or I was on my knees …… they all walked away ….. with a smile and a hug …. but they all walked from the disgusting sight before them.

It was guys the picked me up, dragged me from the battlefield. Sat with me as I disintegrated. Held me in their arms as I cried. Help me down as I raged.

Anyway, that’s all I can say other than mgtow are a very good thing for me.  I feel welcome and accepted. I see others pain and I share in that … but also share the healing that the red pill can bring.

Mgtow have also opened my eyes and now I can see why I’ve felt discarded and …. It’s not me. I can and have stopped beating myself up.

It is what it is. I didn’t have a say in that …… so I’m now free.

Thank you for listening and also thank you for sharing …… it very much helps.

PS. Please excuse any spelling. I can only do this once.

I have kept a lid on this for everyone’s sanity

Thanks! Unfortunately for me, it’s too late to save mine. Congratulations on surviving and your positive outlook.

I too can relate to a long term spinal injury that I “acquired” during my military service.  8 years on, I am walking and moving about fine, although mechanically I have stiffness in my lumbar area.  I also have nerve damage which sometimes leaves my body from the waist down fairly numb.  So, because of this, I sometimes get a few issues down stairs in regards to sex in the sense that I can barely feel anything.

This relates to women in the sense that I told potential partners about this medical issue and I either got “friendzoned” rapidly OR – the worst part-  was that I would have sex and would literally tell them “it’s not them , it’s me and my injury.”  But noooooooooooooo, I got these stupid cow eyes and the “oh i’m not attractive enough” and make it THEIR PROBLEM and ALL ABOUT THEM!!!  So, that helped me on my way towards the path of MGTOW – the “pretend” understanding but then in reality, they turn it towards themselves.  F~~~s sake.  Being in the Air Force at the time (the peak of my sexual encounters), I met enough women to turn it from a “one off, nevermind” to “bloody hell, EVERY woman I have met so far has done this.”

Secondly, as you experienced with women leaving you behind and only men standing with you – 2 years ago I was diagnosed with depression because my injury finally built up enough over 6 years (at that point) and my girlfriend at the time “couldn’t handle it” but told me “Once you are better, come find me and we can try again…”

So wait a second, you won’t STICK BY ME when I needed support, but only want me when I am better?  Bollocks to her.  I looked after her when she was VERY ill with poly-cystic ovaries and other problems and I never resented her for that.  So anyway,  I worked on my own depression and now am fine in that sense and quite frankly, I won’t be going back to THAT woman.  I learned a great lesson from that last relationship – that ended 15 months ago.

Suicide is a tricky subject area and having friends who have been down this path (I found a friend of mine a decade ago hanging from his bannister after nobody heard from him for a week) I have come to think that “opting out” would deny the world of the awesomeness that is you but if you are ALIVE and EMBRACING LIFE on your terms then that is much better.

MGTOW – Alive and Embracing Life.  I might adopt this as my “mantra” or slogan! 🙂

I am SO GLAD that you have chosen life for yourself, not just because I trust you will live it well, but because so many men coming here would not have benefited from your voice had you chosen death.  Keep the faith.

I love how women like to portray that they are somehow relationship “experts” compared to we men, but I know so many guys whose wives or GFs have similarly taken off when the going gets even slightly rough.  One recent buddy was in the hospital for a week or more with pneumonia, and his wife would stop by the hospital for a few minutes…on her way out the door to another “girls’ night out” again that week for the fifth time.  Ultimately she left him….they always do.

ILiveAgain wrote:

I have kept a lid on this for everyone’s sanity

Thanks! Unfortunately for me, it’s too late to save mine. Congratulations on surviving and your positive outlook.

Somehow we must find a way through …. try and find what is left of us and use that small ‘cutting’ and grow a new life from it.

There is nothing easy about this.

Thank you for sharing your story ILiveAgain. I too can relate to a long term spinal injury that I “acquired” during my military service. 8 years on, I am walking and moving about fine, although mechanically I have stiffness in my lumbar area. I also have nerve damage which sometimes leaves my body from the waist down fairly numb. So, because of this, I sometimes get a few issues down stairs in regards to sex in the sense that I can barely feel anything. This relates to women in the sense that I told potential partners about this medical issue and I either got “friendzoned” rapidly OR – the worst part- was that I would have sex and would literally tell them “it’s not them , it’s me and my injury.” But noooooooooooooo, I got these stupid cow eyes and the “oh i’m not attractive enough” and make it THEIR PROBLEM and ALL ABOUT THEM!!! So, that helped me on my way towards the path of MGTOW – the “pretend” understanding but then in reality, they turn it towards themselves. F~~~s sake. Being in the Air Force at the time (the peak of my sexual encounters), I met enough women to turn it from a “one off, nevermind” to “bloody hell, EVERY woman I have met so far has done this.” Secondly, as you experienced with women leaving you behind and only men standing with you – 2 years ago I was diagnosed with depression because my injury finally built up enough over 6 years (at that point) and my girlfriend at the time “couldn’t handle it” but told me “Once you are better, come find me and we can try again…” So wait a second, you won’t STICK BY ME when I needed support, but only want me when I am better? Bollocks to her. I looked after her when she was VERY ill with poly-cystic ovaries and other problems and I never resented her for that. So anyway, I worked on my own depression and now am fine in that sense and quite frankly, I won’t be going back to THAT woman. I learned a great lesson from that last relationship – that ended 15 months ago. Suicide is a tricky subject area and having friends who have been down this path (I found a friend of mine a decade ago hanging from his bannister after nobody heard from him for a week) I have come to think that “opting out” would deny the world of the awesomeness that is you but if you are ALIVE and EMBRACING LIFE on your terms then that is much better. MGTOW – Alive and Embracing Life. I might adopt this as my “mantra” or slogan!

Ive been told I have CPTSD (compound)  …… but it wont get me back on track of get my life going …. but the thing that gets me ….. really really gets me … is the long term drip drip drip of pain. I can say that since the day of that accident, I have always been in pain.

Winter is a bitch. I slow right up, pain is 80% and when really cold … I p~~~ myself at night. As I age, I can feel whats coming. Thats why I try and spend winter in Africa.

People cant see my spine …. and they cant see my f~~~ed up head …… so Im normal right?

I had injections in my spine a few years back and it gave me a week pain free. I was like a teen …. it was amazing …. the freedom.

Then the pain came back 10 fold. I took me 6 months to get over that depression. I wish I never had the injections.

so I guess Im just gonna go mgtow 🙂

You are one tough SOB, that’s for sure. I thought I was tough. Yeah, the guys on this site are pretty cool. Strong brotherhood here.

Not though … just numb …. donkey like 🙂

Guys need to look out for each other. We need to see/read the warning signs and go help them. Just saying a ‘hey how are you’ might just be enough. It would have been for me.